Was I wrong to call out his behaviour as predatory?

[Spooky2000]

I've known a man for a few years now and always thought that he was attractive and I knew it was mutual. I resisted though as he is a bit of a rogue (history of telling lies and cheating etc) that I knew of from some of the stories he'd told me when we were platonic.

Anyway. Around 4 weeks ago I gave in and we started dating, just a couple of dates a week. Last weekend he recounted a story to me that made me cringe because I'd heard something similar from him before and hoped that was a one-off. For context he's 51.

This is what was told to me. He was going to a gig last year that was hard to get tickets for. He'd bought two and as he was single and going on his own as none of his mates wanted to go, he decided to sell the other ticket . A woman contacted him and he said she could have it for £400 (face value £300). He tells me that she's super excited about this and is checking "it's real" (the situation) and said "I'm not being scammed, am I? I'm really going!?" (confirmation of the ticket). She was a stranger, never met/known her before. He somehow extracts from her that she's going on her own (she says). He then said to her that as he was going on his own and she was going on her own that he'd meet up with her at the grounds and 'go together; (she was given the ticket before this btw). The woman agreed but then on the day, surprise surprise doesn't show.

He then contact her afterwards (unsolicited) to ask if she enjoyed the gig and she says yes and says sorry she didn't turn up, she was 'late'. He adds her as a friend and then learns that she's married...

I had alarm bells going off when he was recounting this story which was presented as being altruistic and being 'concerned' for her welfare. It didn't strike me as that at all, I felt it was predatory really and said so. He was pissed at that, so no more dating. Aside from the fact that she didn't keep her boundaries and he crossed over anyway, I know that he's done something similar in the past and met someone who was going to a gig he was going to and he offered to meet her there. Who in their right mind meets a stranger off the internet when it's not a date?? It's not the action, it's the approach that has really made me feel ick.

A couple of friends think I was wrong for calling him out, but I see it as part of a modus operandi and I was really uncomfortable. What are your views?

Quite honestly, he wouldn't be so overt...he just kinda keeps pushing and hopes for the best. As someone else said earlier regarding looks, if she was 30 stone with a face like a spat out toffee, there's no way he would have been 'nice'.

I don’t think it’s predatory to like the look of someone and ask to meet them to do an activity together. It’s perfectly normal behaviour. Of course there’s intention there, but if there was never any intention then no couple would ever get together. And she agreed to meet him. He sent a message to check she was okay when she didn’t show up. That’s fine too. Then he saw she was married and backed off.

I really can’t see the issue here.

So he “made a move”. That’s not predatory. Jesus, how can men approach women nowadays 🙄

I think youre upset because you allowed him to push your boundary.

Other women may not have the same boundary.

Both sets of boundaries are fine of course.

For the love of god. It’s not predatory to be sexually attracted to someone and see if they want to meet. This is so odd.

He only backed off because she was married. And - I suspect - because he'd had his lights knocked out in the past by the husband of a married woman he was interested in, and wasn't going to risk that again.

You don't think that due diligence should be done then? Why are you going on your own? Are you single, married etc? Not to do that beforehand?

Are people missing that he didn't just arrange to meet this woman to give her the ticket, he decided (didn't offer, decided) that they would go together? That's something different entirely. Then he didn't take the hint when her alarm bells understandably went off and she didn't turn up, and he still added her as a friend.

Add that to him getting so annoyed at being called out that he ended the relationship, plus his previous dodgy behaviour and tendency to tell tall stories, and he really does sound like one to avoid.

And if she wasn’t married and she was interested in him?

Tbh you just sound jealous that he fancied someone else before you were even together.

I think it's hard. On one hand, women now are super suspicious of ANY behaviour that might be dodgy (rightly so). But i can imagine the non-perv men are tired of stepping on egg shells. So maybe you could have worded it better. Or he could have explained better. I don't know. Better communication all round? I'm not opposed to having the opposite sex as friends even if married.

So….you’re annoyed he didn’t perform ‘due diligence’ beforehand? Uh huh.

As another poster said you just seem annoyed that you made an error and have taken it out on him

No-one is suggesting he sounds like a catch, are they? But he’s not shown predatory behaviour. They are two different things.

Op’s just annoyed he fooled her with his bad boy turned good routine

They're potentially meeting at a crowded gig not a back alley Yabu.

The bit about her alarm bells going off is pure speculation.

He didn't decide they should go together, he suggested it. It's a perfectly normal suggestion if two people are going to a gig solo.

If she didn't want that, she already had the ticket and could easily avoid doing it.

If she'd deliberately avoided meeting him because her alarm bells went off, she then had the option of ignoring his FB message - it's not as if they'd ever see each other again otherwise. Instead she accepted the friend request and responded. Which indicates that her alarm bells hadn't gone off, and the reason she didn't meet him was because - as she said - she was late.

OK, so now we're moving away from the OP and moving to boundaries, really. Due diligence - whether someone is actually single ad infinitum.

It's no wonder really that there are so many 'surprises' in potential/actual relationships if a person cba to check the other out and ask appropriate questions and challenge them.

Wrong. I'm alarmed by him.

Its actually more of a wonder that anyone ever gets together at all if simply suggesting to meet for a shared hobby is now seen as predatory.

You don’t like him and never have. Move on.

But I find your reaction to this gig story all very odd. I’m another one who doesn’t really see that he’s done anything wrong, and also don’t feel that the woman was putting herself at all at risk by agreeing to meet up with him before the gig.

Lol. Come back to me in a few years when you've experience that provides you with some wisdom.

You can be alarmed by him (and justified to be alarmed) AND his behaviour to this woman around the gig can be above board and non-problematic. Those two facts can co-exist.

Absolutely, totally agree.

He clearly wanted to get into her knickers. I take it he’s not routinely showing concern for and offering to meet up with any fat balding middle aged blokes who he knows are going to concerts alone.

But that's the reason most people ask someone out. No one tries to start something with someone they're not attracted to. The woman in this scenario was not vulnerable. She made her own decisions too. How else are people supposed to meet and get to know each other if men or women can't ask someone if they'd like to meet up at a perfectly normal venue such as this one.

You have no way of knowing the motivations or thoughts from either of these people so alot of what you are saying is speculation. You have beliefs about his character and are looking for behaviours to confirm them. You don't like, trust him move on don't look for excuses.
On the face of it I don't see this as preditory.

Though I will say something that I know I'm going to get dogpiled on, and I understand why.

It's no surprise to me having seen some of the 'younger' responses that there's a parliamentary group set up for VAWG. Not at all. If you can't use a bit of caution, your wits and instinct and go around thinking it's all sunshine and butterflies, that people are intrinsically good, then rightly or wrongly, I'm going to make an assumption that you've just not been exposed (thankfully) to the darker side of life and I hope that it continues that way for you. There's a lot of people out there who will take advantage of that.