How should I handle seeing a violent cousin at a family event?

[ThatEagerScroller]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach a difficult family event. My niece has a big thing coming up, lots of family will be there, lots of young kids, including my own. Everyone will be dressed up. I'm looking forward to it.

The issue is that one of my cousins will be there who, since I last saw him, I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him. Doesn't particularly like cousin's GF either. We've known her for years, since we were young teens. She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!), we've ended up in some v difficult situations as a result - but she confided in me, my sister and our sil recently about what happened with my cousin, and she's had a really rough life generally.

Cousin is extremely violent, which I already knew, but not that he was violent towards women.

So the question is how do I interact with him at the event? I've gone from finding him fun and nice enough in small doses to - with this revelation - absolutely loathing him. He makes my skin crawl just to think about. But I can't cause a fuss at the event, and he's quite sensitive and very reactive so would probably pick up on any coldness etc.

I have no idea what his GF would want either. She generally likes people to "pick her", but with cousin it might be different. She might get defensive on his behalf, and she's the more likely of the two to cause a scene at the event anyway.

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What's the right thing to do? Act as if I know nothing, to keep the day calm for my adorable little niece, or stay cold and distant to my cousin? Follow his girlfriend's lead?

Me and cousin are the same age, and used to be pretty close, so it would be very obvious and weird if I didn't at least have a drink with him.

All sounds insane, I realise. Families, hey?

Personally I’d keep my distance, if he approaches and says hi say it back but other than that walk away.

he sounds vile!

I think you’re overthinking it to be honest. It’s horrible news, but it doesn’t impact the event or your nieces day. I would do a mixture of ignoring him, and being calm and minimal if he speaks to you. Not cold, seems a bit pointless and will potentially lead to you being challenged.

families are mad, most people have a mad family member they have to tread carefully around. It’ll be ok

Why does he have to be invited?

Thank you for the responses! Yeah, he is vile @2chocolateoranges !

@Backedoffhackedoff prob am overthinking, but there's a long history of family events taking a turn for the worse and I just hate it. Trying to plan for every eventuality, which I realise never works!!

@EmmaOvary fair question! It's just family. I don't even know beyond that. Just had to be. His mum would have lost the plot if he hadn't. My brother would have been the villain. Not worth the drama. Plus it would have genuinely offended people who don't know the full extent of his behaviour.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him

spineless fool. No he didn’t “have” to invite him.

Do you have children?

What a pathetic and unpleasant group of people coming to this bash.

Guaranteed the adults will all get trashed on booze, the children will run around utterly unsupervised and it will end in screaming arguments and fights.

Shudder at the thought of this being my family. Shudder at the thought of being a guest!

Families, hey?

well, your family Op. sounds like a scene from a Broken Britain style documentary

Let me guess…. Reform and Farage are big hits in your family

I would avoid him, or just say hello in passing he sounds awful, I have a few dodgy cousins myself it can be tricky to negotiate if it is a family thing.

No, Reform and Farage are not big hits in my family. We all hate Reform politics. I don't see why that's relevant though.

My brother is neither spineless nor a fool. It's a really difficult situation. And I'm not sure my brother knows what our cousin did to his GF.

Yes, I have three kids.

Can I ask why you think "the adults will all get trashed", and the kids will be 'utterly unsupervised'? My cousin doesn't have kids. I haven't been 'trashed' in my life, and none of the parents of young kids will be having more than a glass of wine or a beer - most people will be driving home. I just don't understand how you got this impression from my post?

Thank you @Lomonald I think you're right, just try to be bland if I have to speak to him and make up an excuse to get away from him.

Feels as though I'm betraying his GF by pretending nothing's changed, but then, I don't even know if she'd want anything to seem different.

Sounds like drinking is where things are likely to get difficult (in the sense that he’ll be drinking with your sister/want to drink with you). So I suggest you have a convenient bug and course of fake auntibiotics* that you’re on and sadly you’ll not be able to have a drink at the event. That way you can keep busy with the kids and feign residual poorliness if he tries to get you cornered. You can always run off to the toilet too. I wouldn’t be making a stand at my niece’s event I’d just do my utmost to avoid him.

*total typo but I left it in as it seems appropriate!

Just put a smile on your face and be civil for your niece . It's not difficult .

It sounds awful though , can you not developed a stomach bug !

Just acknowledge him if you have to but don't go out of your way to speak to him.

Wow people are being really unpleasant. It’s like they can’t imagine an extended family with a violent person in it without assuming you’re all somehow beneath them. Violent twats exist in every part of society, that’s my newsflash.

@BreadstickBurglar hahaha - if only there was such a think as auntibiotics!!!

But yeah - I suspect you're right about the drinking being the "hub" of any drama. I wouldn't be drinking much anyway, or be expected to be, so no need to fake a course of antibiotics to avoid that. But where drama might break out, I'd want to keep it from brother and sil as far as possible, and tbh not sure I'd trust many of the other people who'll be there not to make it worse, even with the best of intentions...

I had a similar situation with a male dick of a cousin at a family event. I just completely ignored him but didn't make a fuss so I don't think anyone would have really noticed that I wasn't engaging with him. Hopefully there will be enough people there to make it possible for you to give him a wide berth.

I wouldn’t have my children at an event near a violent thug especially if he and the GF are likely to cause a scene.

Just be very polite and gracious (i.e. copy the Royals, they have to meet lots of obnoxious people). Avoid direct questions and plaster a big false smile on your face.

It is worth 'the drama' to avoid being with someone who is violent towards women.

I think I'm kind of trying to predict/ guess what GF will want or expect from me. I realise no one here would have any idea, but I'm kind of worried she'll fly off the handle if I don't do "the right thing" - and what is that??

You're all right, in that yeah, it should be easy - just avoid him and be civil if I have to speak to him. But his GF may have confided in us in the hope of some kind of solidarity or something. Maybe she's expecting a scene - brother's wife was with us when it all came out, but hasn't told brother, but GF may have assumed she has. GF - really vulnerable, I understand that, but difficult - does "like" a scene.

I think I'm just feeling madly anxious about the whole thing. It'll probably be totally fine. Tbh, cousin is likely to leave early for livelier scenes as it's on a Saturday afternoon.

Hahaha - not sure I've ever been told to copy the Royals before, but it's true they do have to associate with the worst of the worst. Including within their own family too! Smiling at my prick of a cousin will be hard. I detest him now. And I'm kind of scared of him, which I know is absurd, but I just didn't know he had that in him.

I agree with the principle, but in practice, I think if you knew what I meant by "the drama" you might agree. It's really not easy to not invite him. The domino effect would be big, and he's not going to be violent towards women at the event itself.