How should I handle seeing a violent cousin at a family event?

[ThatEagerScroller]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach a difficult family event. My niece has a big thing coming up, lots of family will be there, lots of young kids, including my own. Everyone will be dressed up. I'm looking forward to it.

The issue is that one of my cousins will be there who, since I last saw him, I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him. Doesn't particularly like cousin's GF either. We've known her for years, since we were young teens. She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!), we've ended up in some v difficult situations as a result - but she confided in me, my sister and our sil recently about what happened with my cousin, and she's had a really rough life generally.

Cousin is extremely violent, which I already knew, but not that he was violent towards women.

So the question is how do I interact with him at the event? I've gone from finding him fun and nice enough in small doses to - with this revelation - absolutely loathing him. He makes my skin crawl just to think about. But I can't cause a fuss at the event, and he's quite sensitive and very reactive so would probably pick up on any coldness etc.

I have no idea what his GF would want either. She generally likes people to "pick her", but with cousin it might be different. She might get defensive on his behalf, and she's the more likely of the two to cause a scene at the event anyway.

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What's the right thing to do? Act as if I know nothing, to keep the day calm for my adorable little niece, or stay cold and distant to my cousin? Follow his girlfriend's lead?

Me and cousin are the same age, and used to be pretty close, so it would be very obvious and weird if I didn't at least have a drink with him.

All sounds insane, I realise. Families, hey?

I would suggest that you keep your distance where possible. If you have to interact, keep it calm and bland. I have an Uncle (by marriage) who no one likes in the family but is tolerated for my Aunt's (his wife) sake. Thankfully I don't have to see him often, but if I do, I keep my distance and any interactions are kept to the minimum.

Honestly? I wouldn't go and I'd tell your brother why you're not going. Domestic violence should never be swept under the carpet and smoothed over by playing happy families. Will you all just shrug your shoulders and say 'families, eh?' when he kills her or someone else?

I’d be so disappointed my brother thought this way. Like, I know it’s not your call, it’s his, but for goodness sake. The auntie can just suck it up whereas by inviting him, he’s inviting a abusive scumbag (one step down from a murderer, and possibly only a matter of time, given the strangling to loss of consciousness) who’ll cause a scene on a hair trigger. Idiot.
I wouldn’t go, honestly.

Thank you. Tbh, this is actually more along the lines of what I was expecting from replies. I do on some level genuinely feel concerned that he'll kill her. I think it's unlikely, for various reasons, but it is a possibility. And yes - exactly - is it actually ok to keep the peace under these circumstances? Part of me wants to tell him I hate him. But - that puts GF in more danger, no doubt about that. And telling my brother, well - I feel quite sure (not entirely sure, but quite sure) that would make things worse too.

I really do see your point here. My brother doesn't know what cousin has done to his GF. And my brother has done the right thing in inviting him, which I think would make sense if you were in the middle of it. Really my brother is not to blame here.

Tbh, the cousin might not even show up. I'm praying he has a big night on Friday and is too hungover or something.

Apologies, I thought it read that your brother did know. If you say your brother is blameless in this, so be it, it’s hard to imagine or picture myself in this situation, as is often the case with other families dynamics.
If we’re working on the assumption you’re going, and that your cousin will be there too, I’d be grey rocking the fuck out of him, and probably the girlfriend wrt to him. I certainly wouldn’t be drawn into any drama. Bland, aloof and ‘oh what’s that? I’m needed over there’ at all times!
Fingers crossed he doesn’t show.

@MrsLFii Thank you so much - yes, family dynamics can be difficult to understand from the outside, and I feel like some people here just wouldn't accept that! I'm definitely going. Majority of helpful replies have agreed with your suggestion, I just be bland and find excuses to get away from him during the day, if he shows up. What to do about what GF told us is a separate question. I think I was muddling the two.

Odd no one has thought to tell your brother about this “extremely violent” man.

How come so many family events end up taking a turn for the worse as you say?

She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!),. This is the cousin?

and then your sister is also very dramatic, drinks and starts having a go at you?

GF asked us not to tell anyone. I broke my promise, and told DH but he doesn't feel the need to "fix" it. Telling my brother would be potentially risky as he might feel he has to "do something" which would be unhelpful.

Cousin being violent doesn't come out of nowhere. Unfortunately some people in my wider family have had really difficult lives and are difficult as a result. Cousin himself grew up in an abusive home.

No, the 'She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!),. is cousin's GF.

My sis, I wouldn't say dramatic, but quite sensitive. Wouldn't "have a go at me", but can get a bit weepy if she feels criticised.

@Wiffywombat you’re bullying the OP. Behave yourself.

@ThatEagerScroller this is exactly the advice I was thinking. This is more a decision for how to react when/if things go wrong rather than how to prevent things from going wrong.

There's something very noticeable in your posts that you feel responsible for other people's feelings and that you need to help manage their behaviour. Trying to predict how your SIL would want you to act, not wanting your DB and other SIL to be left stranded with drama on what should be a happy day etc.

You could do a bit of work on yourself to step out of the "drama triangle". Would recommend googling. Once you see the dynamics you can't unsee it and it becomes much easier to -literally - walk away from drama. It is very freeing although needs constant practice!

This is how men like him get away with it. By inviting him your brother is condoning his behaviour. This is what happens, men behave badly and their families brush it under the carpet and they are still welcomed by the family and invited to family parties etc. basically there is no consequences for their behaviour.
I am missing a family party this weekend due to the behaviour of a male relative. I'm pretty disappointed in the host inviting them given they themselves said they were done with this person. So yeah obviously I would vote with my feet, as I am!

Sorry - this was meant to be my response to that: "Cousin being violent doesn't come out of nowhere. Unfortunately some people in my wider family have had really difficult lives and are difficult as a result. Cousin himself grew up in an abusive home."

thank you. I think this is true that I am trying to control too much and feeling responsible for how other people feel/ behave. I will google this - thank you!

My brother doesn't know what cousin did. He's not to blame. But I don't disagree with your point at all. I agree completely - this is how men like him get away with it. Just, not sure what to do about this event specifically, or for that matter what to do next about what he did.

I have no idea why a couple of posters have said this is about Travellers - seems a bit anti-traveller tbh. But would be grateful if people could just ignore that - it's nothing to do with Travellers.

Just a reminder to some posters that domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate and occurs across all social classes.

There is a whole bunch of enabling and normalising going on in the family but at least the OP is someone who is recognising the toxicity of it all. Having been in not dissimilar situations I have found myself sadly distancing myself from family events.

How do such a strange group of people remain close enough to make it essential that they all must be invited.