How should I handle seeing a violent cousin at a family event?

[ThatEagerScroller]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach a difficult family event. My niece has a big thing coming up, lots of family will be there, lots of young kids, including my own. Everyone will be dressed up. I'm looking forward to it.

The issue is that one of my cousins will be there who, since I last saw him, I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him. Doesn't particularly like cousin's GF either. We've known her for years, since we were young teens. She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!), we've ended up in some v difficult situations as a result - but she confided in me, my sister and our sil recently about what happened with my cousin, and she's had a really rough life generally.

Cousin is extremely violent, which I already knew, but not that he was violent towards women.

So the question is how do I interact with him at the event? I've gone from finding him fun and nice enough in small doses to - with this revelation - absolutely loathing him. He makes my skin crawl just to think about. But I can't cause a fuss at the event, and he's quite sensitive and very reactive so would probably pick up on any coldness etc.

I have no idea what his GF would want either. She generally likes people to "pick her", but with cousin it might be different. She might get defensive on his behalf, and she's the more likely of the two to cause a scene at the event anyway.

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What's the right thing to do? Act as if I know nothing, to keep the day calm for my adorable little niece, or stay cold and distant to my cousin? Follow his girlfriend's lead?

Me and cousin are the same age, and used to be pretty close, so it would be very obvious and weird if I didn't at least have a drink with him.

All sounds insane, I realise. Families, hey?

Again, I agree with the principle, but these events are really important in my family. My brother would be really hurt if I refused to go. And he could use the support. And yeah, cousin is a violent thug, yes, but he's also a son/ brother/ uncle/ cousin. I really don't think most of the family have any idea what he's done to his GF.

No way

this family will be massive reform supporters

You aren’t seriously considering bringing your children to this pissed up, possibly violent shit show?

We're not even British, if that makes any difference?

Slowly re read your op and follow up posts.

drama, violence, family members arguing, people not liking one another, I could go on

Are you in the uk?

Not only seriously considering it - have 100% decided and committed, weeks ago, and booked our travel and accommodation. Just need to get my kids some fancy shoes - they've grown out of the ones they have.

This will be a lovely afternoon - starts at a church, ends in the garden, I'll see my family and hopefully avoid that particular cousin.

Where have you got this weird picture of my family from?

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What a mess. Thankfully I can’t relate on any level to all this strife and silliness and having an “extremely violent” family member at a family party

try to keep your children safe at least.

And keep drinking to a minimum.

People not liking each other? Family members arguing? I mean - these things do happen. Even among people who don't vote Reform.

Your own op
that is where
good luck!
I hope the poor neighbours don’t suffer too badly

It sounds like you were ok with him knowing he was violent until you then found out that violence extended to his GF?? Violent people are violent regardless of who it's to

Some of us are, some of us aren't. But not a one among us would vote Reform, or any equivalent party. Violent thug included. His politics aren't bad at all actually. He's just a real bastard in his day to day life.

Well I wouldn’t invite him. There again neither dh nor I have any time for violent thugs, I certainly would not invite one to any event I was hosting.
In your shoes I would invite him. Sit with better people. If he does speak to you be civil and reply then leave it at that.
Hi Archie, yes I’m good thanks. Sorry Amelia needs me for something. See you later……..

ignore him* not invite him.

Yeah, that's a fair comment. I wouldn't say I was ok with it, but the victims of his violence were - so I thought - other extremely violent men. He's got as much as he's given, so I thought. Like, it's all shitty behaviour, but in a context where no one is weaker/ the target specifically. I really had no idea he'd be capable of this.

In this situation id limit my drinking and prepare to leave early if the vibes turned wierd.

It would be hilarious the way posters are falling over to morally distance themselves from “violent thugs” at family gatherings by using classist stereotypes- if it wasn’t so rude and unkind to the OP.

ignore them OP

@Backedoffhackedoff thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one finding the "violent thug" trope kind of jarring. And I'm definitely feeling a bit judged for having the audacity to be related to him!

@ForPinkDuck yep - this is a good shout. There is def a vibes element to this. that said, I don't want to leave my poor brother and sil to deal with any fallout - it's in their house. But maybe I can leave in a way that kind of signals the day is over.

Why do you ask?

Yes some shitty responses on here.