How should I handle seeing a violent cousin at a family event?

[ThatEagerScroller]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach a difficult family event. My niece has a big thing coming up, lots of family will be there, lots of young kids, including my own. Everyone will be dressed up. I'm looking forward to it.

The issue is that one of my cousins will be there who, since I last saw him, I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him. Doesn't particularly like cousin's GF either. We've known her for years, since we were young teens. She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!), we've ended up in some v difficult situations as a result - but she confided in me, my sister and our sil recently about what happened with my cousin, and she's had a really rough life generally.

Cousin is extremely violent, which I already knew, but not that he was violent towards women.

So the question is how do I interact with him at the event? I've gone from finding him fun and nice enough in small doses to - with this revelation - absolutely loathing him. He makes my skin crawl just to think about. But I can't cause a fuss at the event, and he's quite sensitive and very reactive so would probably pick up on any coldness etc.

I have no idea what his GF would want either. She generally likes people to "pick her", but with cousin it might be different. She might get defensive on his behalf, and she's the more likely of the two to cause a scene at the event anyway.

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What's the right thing to do? Act as if I know nothing, to keep the day calm for my adorable little niece, or stay cold and distant to my cousin? Follow his girlfriend's lead?

Me and cousin are the same age, and used to be pretty close, so it would be very obvious and weird if I didn't at least have a drink with him.

All sounds insane, I realise. Families, hey?

😂I think this could be asked of many family gatherings, no?

@aurpod1980 thank you for this - yes, I know my family is quite dysfunctional in some ways, and I am really trying to untangle what's dysfunctional from what's normal/ healthy. I hope your family life has improved.

@Wiffywombat You are right that I've posted other threads, though I don't know how you know this - I changed usernames because I didn't want people to keep using previous threads "against" me & that had started happening a bit. I use mumsnet to help me think through stuff I can't talk to people about irl. It has been really helpful for me to be able to "tell" people stuff here, because sometimes I really don't know what's normal and what isn't and most people here have been really kind and I've benefitted a lot from it.

I would really appreciate if you could just please take what I'm describing here at face value and not go back over other stuff I've posted.

And if anyone knows where I might have made a mistake that means this thread (new username) can be linked back to threads under my old username, could they please let me know!

Cooly polite with just enough civility to be thought cordial is how to play it.

But that's the same for me! Family gatherings are mostly relaxed, fun and loving. There has never been extreme violence at a family gathering. I wouldn't be alienated if I didn't go to this one.

Honestly, I don't know what the broken britain documentaries are that you referred to, but maybe they've influenced what you're imagining my life to be like. Your posts here really don't reflect the reality of my life at all. We're mostly completely normal people, with jobs and kids and homes and cars. We're friendly with our neighbours, we go to the school fairs, we pay our taxes. There's just some difficulties that I'm trying to see more clearly, which I post about on mumsnet (so the picture will look extreme from what I post about) and mumsnet has a really helpful perspective just by not being in the thick of it, if that makes sense.

Oh... Well, like I say, I don't post about the normal stuff that is 95% of my life. Currently sitting in the sun with my cat and a coffee, posting on Mumsnet. Should be folding laundry. Need to start work in an hour. But I don't need advice on any of that.

I'm sorry if I seemed defensive. I don't mean to be. I do recognise that there are problems in my family, and posters on mumsnet have really helped me see it all in a clearer light. Really I do take it on board. My husband's abusive behaviour - it was my thread on that that made me see it that way and I did speak to women's aid about it and he's done so much to not do stuff like that again. That thread really did improve my life, I can't tell you how much it helped. I am sorry if that doesn't come across, but I do take on board what people say to me here.

Just a chance for nasty people posting here to be nasty, OP. Don’t let them hurt you. You’re trying to do some good.
I think there are bad characters in most families, of all backgrounds, and there are stupid feuds between otherwise-reasonable people too. I hope you can get through this event with a bland smile, avoiding being drawn into anything uncomfortable.

Then for what it’s worth, I think you should tell your brother about your cousin’s violence against his girlfriend.

Cousin needs to be made to understand that there will be zero tolerance of this. His girlfriend has confided in you for a reason.

Why are you being so aggressive and trying to shut down OP? People expressing disgust at her family is pointless, they don’t and will never know them- what do you expect OP to do, pass on feedback?

you are coming across as someone frustrated that someone in a complicated and maybe abusive family dynamic won’t do what you tell her to to fix it, which is ridiculous on your part, not hers.

His GF is betraying herself by staying with him. She's the one pretending nothing's changed. That's not your battle to fight on her behalf.

Don't talk to him if he makes your flesh crawl, but no need to make any scenes. The goal is to get through the day without him throttling anyone!

Thank you (and hi! I recognise your username, you've been nice to me before!) It is worth a lot, and I will think about this.

I agree, she told us this for a reason, and there's a right thing to do here. Just don't want to do something that will make life harder for her.

In fairness to GF she's very naive, and very loyal, and cousin has a superficial charm/ fun and fairly good looking and she is quite easily won over by anything that feels like affection. I'm not sure she quite realises how bad it all is.

Haha, indeed, minimal throttling would be great.

OP hasn't made any other threads under her current user name so why are you so sure that she had made other threads and is a member of the Traveller community?

You are like a very annoying dog with a bone, trying to catch OP out for some reason.

ETA that OP has responded to confirm that she has made other posts about her family. That is still no justification for your numerous posts trying to make OP reveal more information than she feels comfortable with.

I understand your caution. But I agree with PPs who say that VAWG thrives in a culture of silence. Particularly if membership of a community is contingent on adherence to that culture. Remember: courage calls to courage.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your family, and haven't seen any of your other posts. I would just say that this particular battle isn't yours to fight. Go to the event, behave normally and keep out of any arguments.

Btw, thank you to whoever reported the posts that were a bit hostile etc. Maybe they meant well but some of it didn't feel great!

I am getting kind of mixed views on what I do, aside from at the event itself where I Just need to be chill and avoid him as much as possible. But what's the right step to take about what happened? @Indianajet , it's not my battle? But @moderate I should tell my brother (or at least someone who can do something?)

I know this isn't really what I posted about originally but if anyone had advise on it I would be grateful.

Suggest women's aid to GF I was thinking would be a good start? I'd be in big trouble if she told cousin I said this! But I think she won't. But I don't think she'd take it seriously either. She was hitting him when it happened (I know, I know, toxic relationship, they're a disaster together, but I can't do much about that). She thinks it's just how they are.