How should I handle seeing a violent cousin at a family event?

[ThatEagerScroller]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach a difficult family event. My niece has a big thing coming up, lots of family will be there, lots of young kids, including my own. Everyone will be dressed up. I'm looking forward to it.

The issue is that one of my cousins will be there who, since I last saw him, I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him. Doesn't particularly like cousin's GF either. We've known her for years, since we were young teens. She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!), we've ended up in some v difficult situations as a result - but she confided in me, my sister and our sil recently about what happened with my cousin, and she's had a really rough life generally.

Cousin is extremely violent, which I already knew, but not that he was violent towards women.

So the question is how do I interact with him at the event? I've gone from finding him fun and nice enough in small doses to - with this revelation - absolutely loathing him. He makes my skin crawl just to think about. But I can't cause a fuss at the event, and he's quite sensitive and very reactive so would probably pick up on any coldness etc.

I have no idea what his GF would want either. She generally likes people to "pick her", but with cousin it might be different. She might get defensive on his behalf, and she's the more likely of the two to cause a scene at the event anyway.

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What's the right thing to do? Act as if I know nothing, to keep the day calm for my adorable little niece, or stay cold and distant to my cousin? Follow his girlfriend's lead?

Me and cousin are the same age, and used to be pretty close, so it would be very obvious and weird if I didn't at least have a drink with him.

All sounds insane, I realise. Families, hey?

Thank you so much for this. It means so much to me to have this stuff put into words, for me and for others here to read. I could never have explained it so well.

You say the girlfriend loves drama. Do you know that she’s telling the truth? I know the rhetoric about always believing women but some are liars.
as far as my advice for the day, I would smile and say hello but try to keep yourself unavailable from being drawn into conversation with them. Suddenly spotting a child being mischievous should enable you to quickly cut them off and move away. If there is going to be drama then there will be but I’d just try and keep yourself and your children out of it.

I’m really surprised that you are looking forward to this party. I’d be dreading it. Your violent cousin should be locked up, but instead he’s a live and ongoing high risk domestic violence perpetrator. I can see that you wouldn’t want to do or say anything at the party that could increase risk to her. Can you get advice from a Domestic Violence charity about what you could/should do to protect her/help her to protect herself. Your lack of alarm and particularly your sister’s attitude make me wonder if domestic violence is normalised in your family. Have you and your sister witnessed or experienced DV? I would be losing sleep that he might kill his GF. Established history of extreme violence. Drinks alcohol. Has strangled his GF to the point she passed out. It doesn’t get much riskier.

Sorry while I can see that you have experienced DV. I hope you find a way through this, but please the risk to GF, if she is being truthful, is very high.

Thank you for this. I think it's a brave post but an important question. GF has exaggerated some stuff in the past. However, I believe her on this because 1. It fits - when she told me, I did immediately realise he'd be capable of it. 2. She didn't make herself out to be a passive/ vulnerable victim. She said they were having a huge fight and she was physically attacking him (hitting), and then he choked her. 3. I really don't think she realised how bad it is. When she told us, it wasn't "isn't he awful, poor me". It was more like she knew on some level it was unbelievably bad, but needed a sense check because she sorted of believes she got what she deserves. And 4. There was one witness. I haven't checked the story with this person and wouldn't get the truth if I did, but GF account of the person's response at the time absolutely adds up to me.

I was looking forward to it and also really anxious about it at the same time. I have a lot of alarm, I know he could kill her. I just don't know what I can do about that.

Locked up, not sure about. That's been said too many times about too many people in my family. I just can't engage with it, it means nothing to me in itself.

But I recognise and appreciate your concern.Cousin and his GF don't live together. Still obviously a high risk relationship, but there is less opportunity for danger than there would be if they shared a home. It's a weird relationship.

Yes, my sis and I have both witnessed and been subjected to "domestic violence", though not to anywhere near this extreme.

Also just to say, the event has already happened. So advice on how to handle it is appreciated but not necessarily useful right now. Advice on how I can support the GF, or perspectives on the whole situation that I haven't seen clearly yet, etc etc, are really helpful.