How should I handle seeing a violent cousin at a family event?

[ThatEagerScroller]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach a difficult family event. My niece has a big thing coming up, lots of family will be there, lots of young kids, including my own. Everyone will be dressed up. I'm looking forward to it.

The issue is that one of my cousins will be there who, since I last saw him, I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

My brother (niece's dad) really dislikes this cousin but had to invite him. Doesn't particularly like cousin's GF either. We've known her for years, since we were young teens. She's not a completely easy person to get on with - very volatile, a bit self-centred, v poor judge of character (clearly!), we've ended up in some v difficult situations as a result - but she confided in me, my sister and our sil recently about what happened with my cousin, and she's had a really rough life generally.

Cousin is extremely violent, which I already knew, but not that he was violent towards women.

So the question is how do I interact with him at the event? I've gone from finding him fun and nice enough in small doses to - with this revelation - absolutely loathing him. He makes my skin crawl just to think about. But I can't cause a fuss at the event, and he's quite sensitive and very reactive so would probably pick up on any coldness etc.

I have no idea what his GF would want either. She generally likes people to "pick her", but with cousin it might be different. She might get defensive on his behalf, and she's the more likely of the two to cause a scene at the event anyway.

Another issue is my sis, who is a bit weak and enjoys the attention from our cousin/ being in the centre of the "fun" (ie drinking) with him. I'll find this disgusting, since she knows what he's done. But she'll get weepy if I even seem like I'm judging her.

What's the right thing to do? Act as if I know nothing, to keep the day calm for my adorable little niece, or stay cold and distant to my cousin? Follow his girlfriend's lead?

Me and cousin are the same age, and used to be pretty close, so it would be very obvious and weird if I didn't at least have a drink with him.

All sounds insane, I realise. Families, hey?

What can your brother do? Get in a fight? The only people who could do something are the police and if the gf has forgiven him and would downplay or deny what she told you happened they won't be able to do anything.

You could talk to her at some time other than at the event and suggest support groups or talking to the police, but then it's up to her whether she does anything about it or stays with him.

@catipuss I agree about my brother. I don't think it would have any benefits to tell him - he really doesn't like cousin and there's bad history between them already. GF definitely won't go to the police, but I think might consider talking to women's aid or something. I'm going to suggest this to her when I get the right time.

@Lazydomestic yes this is such a good idea.

@catipuss yeah, GF seemed all psyched up to split up with him when she told us. We obv told her that was the right thing to do, he was dangerous etc etc. But since then everything's drifted back to "normal". I think she doesn't have many options/ other sources of "love".

Posting for my own sanity, processing etc. Event was today. I was feeling a bit anxious before it but I was ok. Said hi to cousin when he arrived, had a nice conversation with GF about her new job. Had to chat more to cousin when I was helping my kid with something as he was playing with the kids. And - here's where it gets hard - he started talking about my dad, his addictions and death etc but in such an honest and not judging way. I have almost no one in my whole life who was there and saw it and will actually say these things. He actually said he's told his own dad he'll end up the same way (as in dead) of he doesn't stop using. And yeah I just can't hate him after that.

It was also just weird, like my brother has said so often how much he dislikes cousin, knows how violent cousin is (to other men), all of that. And GF knows we know what he did. But we were all sitting together having a drink and laughing and having a good time as if we all had no idea.

Like, there's this massive cognitive dissonance. But there's also this history I don't have with many other people, which I can't just throw away. I need people to bear witness. Sister refuses to even speak about dad beyond how amazing he was. Brother wants to move on, he's all about being normal and functional now, that's not him/ not his problem etc etc. Wee brother was too young to really know what was going on before it was kind of over.

And I think all of us have that - cognitive dissonance and also shared history. We have to keep up some of the lies, so we can hold on to some of the truth.

Anyone still reading prob has loads to judgements for me now. Prob I'm enabling and part of the problem and all of that. I am still going to tell GF to contact women's aid. But I just wanted to write this down for me to have it here for myself. I feel tired and deflated and really sad for my family and I also love them.

I wouldn’t have gone to a family event where a violent domestic abuser was present, and certainly not with my children.

And had he come up to me and started confiding / empathising with me re our fathers…. I would have walked away.

However sounds like your family is fundamentally very very different to mine anyway. I certainly don’t go to family events expecting it to descend into “drama” and I certainly don’t have all this relatives being either “pick me” and drama llamas or violent so perhaps we just come at this from very very different angles @ThatEagerScroller

Yes, well, if you had grown up with a violent addict for a father, you might feel differently @Avoidtheloo . I'm happy for you that you don't have this kind of family, but for that reason you maybe aren't in the best position to judge. It's really not my fault that my family is "fundamentally very very different" from yours. Though I'm not ashamed of my family at all anyway. For all their abundant faults, almost all of them are deeply good people, and fun, and generous and brave.

And yeah, I know, I can just "go no contact" with the whole lot of them, every single one. In reality, I can tell you from experience that it's neither easy not necessarily wise to discard the people who know the family secrets, even if those people are also repeating the most dangerous behaviours.

My "violent domestic abuser" cousin was the only one that whole day who even referred to any of the horrendous problems we have as a family. The gaslighting is sometimes worse than the abuse, and he was the only one who didn't keep it up all day.

Why are you now putting in quotation marks My "violent domestic abuser" cousin ? That is what your entire OP was about. Do you now think he isn’t?

And as for he was the only one that whole day who even referred to any of the horrendous problems we have as a family. probably to deflect from the role he plays in some of those horrendous problems

@Hassell I don't know if he's a domestic abuser as they don't live together? But I put it in quotation marks because although he is very violent there is more to him than that. The OP was about the violence and the relationship. If I was able to be reductive about him, there wouldn't have been a problem I needed advice on.

I don't think he has the self awareness to deflect tbh. I don't think he sees our family as having horrendous problems. And anyway, he was a victim too, of physical and other abuses, in his childhood. So, like I say, it just isn't as black and white from the inside as it might look from the outside.

I am really trying to figure out what the right thing is here. I love my family. I know the violence and addictions and all are bad. I feel like some of the replies are critical of me, but if there's a clear black and white right and wrong here I still haven't seen what it is. I was all ready to hate him, and I couldn't.

because although he is very violent there is more to him than that.

OMG just read this back. I've found out tried to strangle his girlfriend during a fight, only stopped when she passed out. They're still together and she'll also be there.

This is insane. Absolutely insane.

I know this. Sort of. I know the violence is insane and terrifying. I know she should leave him. I know it sounds awful for me to say he's not all bad.

BUT - what would you do? What should I do? He was subjected to a lot of violence in his childhood. I witnessed a lot of violence. We share a lot of history that our friends and partners don't. I can't just ignore that, or feel straightforward hatred or contempt or dislike for him.

I've mentioned women's aid to his GF. What else can or should I do? Genuinely, I am asking, I will take on board whatever the answers are.

Why did he ‘have’ to invite him?

I wouldn’t go though, I would be sad to miss something with my niece but I don’t want to be around men who are known to be violent tbh nor do I want my children around them either.

Hard to explain why my brother had to invite him. He doesn't know about what cousin did to his GF. Maybe that would have changed things, I don't know. There would have been more difficulties arising from not inviting him either way.

I would never punish my niece by not attending something so important to her, just because of something someone else attending did. Plus, if I avoided everything attended by "men who are known to be violent", I'd hardly see my family (depending what counts as violent maybe).

Not your circus, and not your clowns. Just say hello and then wander off. Sorted. ✔️

BUT - what would you do?

have nothing to do with someone who attempted to murder his girlfriend by the sounds of it would be a good start.
Then again…. This is all so utterly removed from anyone outside some communities that we just can’t fathom it. So hopefully someone from a similar community to you will advise

Only just discovered your thread and I could have written posts that are so similar. I don't have any advice except if you want to maintain contact then you do it on your terms. Ignore some of the nonsense from previous posters who have no experience of just how 'interesting' some family dynamics can be. In my case I have a few uncles who, on paper, you wouldn't go within a mile of. People don't understand how my favourite uncle is a violent man with a drink and drug problem. Yet my dad's brothers are the only people who 'get' my childhood. So, solidarity OP and carry on navigating the difficult path.

Ok but what does that look like in practice? Having nothing to do with him. That sounds very strong and assertive, but what does it mean? Blank him at funerals, and risk an explosive reaction? Not attend funerals and offend the grieving family and the dead? Decline all events he might be at, and leave the people around him to manage because I'm better than them?

Thank you so much for this 💜

Op he would have been reported to the police by whatever family member he told. He wouldn’t be harboured by any member of the family. This man strangled a woman to the point of passing out. There is no grey area.

He didn't tell anyone. His GF did, on the condition of secrecy. Telling the police, absolute joke. If they'd done anything at all, which I doubt, it would have been a slap on the wrist for him, and god knows how that would have played out for her. Or they'd have arrested him, brutalised him, let him out because she'd have denied it all, and then - god knows how that would have played out for her. The police do help some people. But they don't help us.

And he's not being "harboured". He just lives in a house and gets invited to stuff like the rest of the family.

Oh Op. I will leave you to it but my god… i would t have my children growing up around these people. I hope you’re ok as I see Pp mentioned your own husband has been abusive in the past and your own mother too!!

I know women's aid and the police are the obvious options for lots of people here. I have very good reasons for discounting the police, which are shared by my whole family, the good and the bad. So while I appreciate that suggesting the police might be well intended, there really is absolutely no point whatsoever with that. Women's aid, I have already mentioned to GF.

Ah I see now. Missed this. Ok will hide thread as this might as well be a different planet to me

@Hassell thank you, i do appreciate you taking the time to post. I'm fine, thank you! Husband abusive yes, in the past - women's aid was v helpful for me seeing all that, as was Mumsnet. My mum, I don't think abusive, but others here have vigorously disagreed with me on that!

FFS. None for this has anything to do with Travellers. I am not a Traveller. Why is this even an assumption? What makes people think that except the violence, which is just anti-traveller. I could be a private school bankers wife, couldn't I?

Me again OP. I think what a lot of people are struggling with is the idea that it's possible to separate the person from some of their more extreme actions. In humanistic psychology we have something called unconditional positive regard. This is the, shocking to many on MN, concept that we can still understand and value a person as a human being irrespective of their actions. Our family members might be flawed humans but they're still humans and as their family we often have the most insight into how they've become the people they are. It never excuses them from their actions but it does allow for a level of understanding that outsiders don't get.
Also not a traveller but from a family with a strong aversion to the police.