How can I reduce my mother-in-law's weekly overnight stays?

[GreenTree5]

My MIL stays over at our place too often. She lives a 45 min drive away and comes over every week to stay for between 3-5 nights. We don't have a spare room so she sleeps on the sofa. This has happened for years. I am bewildered as to why. I cannot get my husband to reduce it as it's a sensitive topic with him and he gets very defensive and annoyed even when I broach the subject delicately. I'm sick of it. Any ideas are welcome please. Thank you

How did this start?
What conversation did you have with your husband when this started?
How does your MIL talk about these visits?
And is there any cultural element at play here?

What’s the MIL’s reasoning? Is there something or someone at her home she feels she needs a break from?

If she’s helping with childcare then it’s reasonable but would expect that to just be a temporary thing / have a natural end date.

Where is FIL?

Why is she there 3 to 5 days a week? Is she doing childcare for your kids? Is she trying to move in?

That wouldn't work for me but if you're using her for childcare, then you're stuck.

So she stays at yours more than hers on average?

I am bewildered as to why

Come on. You must know? Why do you think an elderly wants to live part time with her son and his family, even if it means sleeping on the sofa? Unless she's the controlling type, it's because she's probably lonely and feels vulnerable. If her husband is still alive I'd question why she wants to live away from him half the time.

You sound very passive in this, OP

That does sound too frequent and intrusive. More context needed please op!

But just going on what you have said, I would start being absent when she turns up! Go away yourselves if at all possible. Be less available and predictable. Or invite your own family and friends to stay so that the sofa is unavailable.

And sorry to repeat this old hackneyed phrase op but it sounds like you have a dh problem as much as a mil problem.

5 nights a week sometimes? So she basically lives with you . Why ?

That’s extremely intrusive
Does she look after your children?

The other way to deal with it of course is to bite the bullet and build an extension or granny flat and give her separate living quarters so she is near you, but not living in the same space as you.

Get rid of the sofa.

I'd have the row me before she moves in for good. That day is coming.

So your MIL lives with you part time?

How did it start?

Good point

Oh she's definitely planning on moving in.

Just start saying "Hi MIL you can't stay this week, I don't want to discuss the reason, it's private".

No reasoning as they don't see a need for that. They think it's normal. It happened in the beginning and I thought it was a phase but it's become the norm. The kids are grown up. She lives alone but is not lonely as she has the best social life with lots of friends in her block of flats and surrounding area.

How do you know she is elderly? My dm became a MIL in her early 40s!

H might like to move in with his mum when you divorce. She might see his as a surrogate partner. and the fact that he's okay with it, putting mum before his wife is concerning.
I would have stamped this nonsense out from the word go.
May be she's widdling her way in for future care in her later years and sees you as her nurse, her son then gets to shift from the responsiblity.

Future care on tap, please don't do it OP.

Start staying in her house when she stays at yours. Or get rid of the wet blanket husband and she will go too.

This should not have been allowed to go on for years, it will be much more difficult to resolve. I’d say move but she’d follow you and stay longer.

She may be afraid of being alone at night. I would ask her directly. It’s possible you could help her change her own living arrangements for something that feels safer. I think she’s moving in by stealth, but I do understand the reasons why she might feel the need to.

Your DH needs to man up, this doesn’t need to be a confrontation but it needs addressing.

Move into her flat?

How long has this been going on for?

When you broach it with your husband he gets defensive, what sort of things does he say?

This one will be tricky to reverse as it's gone on for so long, but you do need to find a way around this one. What is your relationship with mil like?

3-5 nights per week every week? She's not staying over, she is living at yours and going back to hers occasionally. Crazy.
If it was me, I would tell the sensitive husband that if he does not stop it, I would be moving out. You can't even use your own living room with someone camping there the majority of time.