How can I reduce my mother-in-law's weekly overnight stays?

[GreenTree5]

My MIL stays over at our place too often. She lives a 45 min drive away and comes over every week to stay for between 3-5 nights. We don't have a spare room so she sleeps on the sofa. This has happened for years. I am bewildered as to why. I cannot get my husband to reduce it as it's a sensitive topic with him and he gets very defensive and annoyed even when I broach the subject delicately. I'm sick of it. Any ideas are welcome please. Thank you

Would not happen at mines - a huge row, a divorce offer to husband and the choice: me or her

Jesus christ! I would be leaving and staying in her flat for those days

Oh fuck no!! Why have you let this go on for so long?? Use your words OP!

I had this with my MIL. You need to start decreasing the visits, even if it means having an argument with your husband. I had a huge argument with my husband over it and the visits decreased, but didn’t stop completely until MIL got ill. She was in her mid 90s when this happened, so be warned.

I'd have put my foot down years ago. You have a lodger and a weak husband.

This. Time to make it clear to your DH that you married him, you DID NOT marry his mother and if her visits aren't significantly reduced, you'll have to reconsider the marriage.

I couldn't cope with her - the intrusion, the lack of privacy, the lack of consideration, the sheer rudeness.

Time to put your foot down OP, and mean it.

Leave invoices for your airbnb costs on the sofa

Options
Get a large bouncy puppy who sleeps in the living room.
Borrow a cat, preferably with fleas
Buy a new very uncomfortable sofa.
Get a divorce.
Get a backbone and have the conversation yourself.

It's a bit late to complain now about it if it's been going on for years.

You have to decide whether you're going to put up with it, or deal with it - this will involve an unpleasant discussion with your husband where you tell him you're not happy with it and want to see a reduction (decide in advance what is acceptable to you).

If he's defensive then he can live with mummy himself in her flat and you can have the house - or the other way round if that works better for you.

If you don't have the conversation nothing will change.

“She lives a 45 min drive away and comes over every week to stay for between 3-5 nights.”

Why does she need to stay for even a single night? A 45 minute drive isn’t exactly the other end of the universe - and you din’t even have little kids: it’s not as though she’s there for tea, bath and bed. Five days a week is bonkers - I’d have lost it a long time ago. Is DH an only child? You really can’t call your house your own with this sort of arrangement. If DH won’t say anything, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to broach it - “MIL, we love to see you, but we need our own life, so how about you just come down one day a week and go home after dinner?” I know it’s easy enough to write it here and much harder to say IRL, but you will end up leaving your DH over it - perhaps you need to tell him so.

"DH sort this shit out. It shouldn't be my problem. It is making me unhappy. She's massively overstepping"

And done.

I would ask a good friend for help- then you say to your dh I support a few nights a month. After 3 nights I move out to Sarah’s when she stays, Sarah says I can do that for a few months, but after a month I’ll stay home and pack you a bag and all of your important things and chuck you out, as it’s the only way to get my home back. Let me know what you’ve decided.

And add he can drive her home after dinner on her visits and get the train/bus back, the next day if necessary. I’m sure your mum would love to have you at her home and there must be lots you can help with.

I'd be taking myself plus a bag to her flat. Leave them to it.
Are you still attracted to your dh with the umbilical cord still attached.
Sex must be difficult..

I've broached it before and he doesn't listen. One time when I really put my foot down it was like a war zone.

"Dave, I cannot ignore this issue any longer. You mother practically lives with us and I did not agree to that. The fact that the two of you have forced this onto me so far doesn't mean that you can continue doing so. Either you tell her it's stopping now or I will. Those are the options. Which would you prefer?"

What EXACTLY are you afraid will happen if you say this to your husband, OP? Are you concerned he will be abusive, either emotionally (sulking or stonewalling, pretending not to have heard you), verbally (shouting or being mean) or physically (violence)? If so, the problem is that he's abusive and you need to leave him. If not, what is your fear? That he will divorce you and choose her if you make him make a choice?

Op I think you need to tell your dh directly that this is really affecting your enjoyment of your home and its far too much weekly. That you didn't sign up to have your mil basically living with you.

I'd ask him how he'd feel if your mother started to stay 5 nights every week and he couldn't relax in his own home.

I'd ask him if he needs to move her closer so he can visit her at her own home easily.

They sound utterly co dependent and I agree with pps its absolutely building up to her eventually moving in.

I'd tell him that he does not get to make a unilateral decision on effectively moving a family member in. If he can't put his foot down then I'd tell him you both need to go to marriage counselling because your marriage is now in crisis as a result and you aren't happy with the current set up.

Do you like your mil op? Do you get on well?

War zone between whom? What was said?

What? That would drive me mad!

Collect her and take her back the same day, solved it for you.

Again, what kind of things does he say, what is his justification?

I would have divorced him long ago, better late than never though.

So, is your desire to stay with your husband so great you are willing to put up with this for life?
It sounds enmeshed - your DH & his mother are the prime relationship in his life.

I don’t think you can sort it out without your DH becoming angry. So be prepared for that, then tell him what you want to happen.

@GreenTree5 Do you know any of her friends? Could they persuade her to join in with things when she’s with you so she has to go back. Your DH should respect you more and I’d be livid about this. Assuming you partly own your home (or it’s jointly rented) you are within your rights to say you wish for more privacy. He needs to understand your feelings and not dismiss them. Or speak to mil. What have you got to lose?

Does DH sit with his mum all the time she is there, does he engage with her, chat and so on, or does he go and do his own thing?

I couldn't live like that at all OP, you must be very patient and kindhearted, or maybe afraid to stand up for yourself. This is a ridiculous situation, so what if there's WW3, it's awful as it is without it.

Assuming you only have one bedroom, in your shoes I’d move onto the sofa (if necessary feigning a physical need) then inwardly smile as they search for a solution.