How can I reduce my mother-in-law's weekly overnight stays?

[GreenTree5]

My MIL stays over at our place too often. She lives a 45 min drive away and comes over every week to stay for between 3-5 nights. We don't have a spare room so she sleeps on the sofa. This has happened for years. I am bewildered as to why. I cannot get my husband to reduce it as it's a sensitive topic with him and he gets very defensive and annoyed even when I broach the subject delicately. I'm sick of it. Any ideas are welcome please. Thank you

This would be a deal breaker for me. I.e divorce if dh didn't come to his senses

Are you working so she entertains herself all day?
Who cooks dinner in the nights she’s ther?
Does DH spend time with her?

I would become a fanatical gym enthusiast and go out (somewhere,anywhere) when she’s there she might get the hint and I doubt DH will be happy being left to entertain and feed her

She is sleeping on your sofa 3-5 days a week, 52 weeks of the year?

This!

@GreenTree5 when did she start coming to stay and why?

I find the whole situation utterly bizarre and your updates aren't helping us to understand!

Move I to her place while she's at your house and see what happens.

Yes! Move into her flat when she is at yours!!

But seriously OP, that ‘war zone’ comment makes me worried for you.

I’d not be tolerating that. Utter madness.

The title of your thread should be “my MIL lives with us half the time, even though I didn’t agree to it”. It’s outrageous!

I thought that too: she kind of lives with them!

What does she do all the time she’s at your house? Does she engage and help with child care, chores etc or just sit around doing sweet FA?

I have the same questions as many PPs…

What does she do all day?
Does she eat 3x day with you?
Does she watch telly with you?
Do you have to go to bed earlier so she can sleep on sofa?
Where does she put/leave her stuff?
Does she have a key and just ‘move in’ for the week?
Why?

Well I can't really comment on the general situation Op because I'm not really understanding the background, but as for your last comment about him treating his mum as a queen, I was always told if you want to know how your husband will treat you when your boobs have dropped, your face sags and you no longer have the sphincter muscle control to stop a fart slipping out audibly from time to time, then look at how he treats his mother.

Why does she need to sleep at yours so frequently? And why has it gone on so long! Why would anybody choose to sleep on her sons sofa for 3/5 nights a week. Its bizarre!

That behaviour from both of them is odd. Living only 45 mins away I wouldn't expect any overnight stays unless e.g. on Christmas day and you'd all had too many drinks. Particularly as you don't have a guest room. She's sleeping on your sofa more than she sleeps in her own bed

Bet you wouldn’t say that about a woman who was close to her mother…

Maybe your MIL doesn't really wants to stay so often, but continues to keep the peace because she doesn't want to start a war with him either?

If you get on well with her, perhaps you could take her out for afternoon tea somewhere nice, and casually broach the topic in a roundabout way.

Can’t believe you’ve put up with this ridiculous situation for so long! Have you no backbone at all?
I would not tolerate this a minute longer.
Tell your H you are done with her living most of the week in your house. It stops now. If he wants to see her, he goes to her home. He doesn’t like it? Tough, it’s time for him to choose between his wife and his mother. He stops inviting her. He makes the change!
Tell his mother, too, that she needs to be spending the time in her own home and not yours, and she isn’t welcome to be practically living at yours!
Difficult conversations, for sure, but if you really want things to change, it’s time for you to speak up. Nothing is going to change unless you do.
Was she doing this when the DC were still at home? What changed?

Do you have DC @GreenTree5 ? You said the kids are grown up, but I wasn't sure if you were talking about yours or MIL's.

Do you have family near by?

Could you make it a permanent arrangement by extending the house or moving to a place where you’d have a granny annexe of the likes? She must be very lonely and just want the company of her family. Yes she seems to have a busy social life but you can be surrounded by people and still be very lonely if they’re not really the people you want to be with.

Ask her outright why she is coming over I invited so often . Tell her it isn't convenient anymore and you gave been meaning to tell her that for a while. You can tell our husband that he can visit her more and sleep on her sofa. Break the habit firmly and decisively as you are enabling this to happen by tolerating it. You need to speak up and air your dissatisfaction. And this is not a normal routine for normal families.
You husband needs to know things have got to change.

Wow! I agree with the sentiment but the content verges on the nasty!

The real problem you have is your husband doesn’t care about your feelings, he tells you you’re his Queen to pacify you. Your marriage is all about him and his mum, he won’t hurt her by telling her you both need your own space but is happy to hurt you instead.
Once she decides she wants to live full time with you both, your husband and mum will go house hunting. Do you want to stay in a marriage and be the third wheel? Your opinions and feelings are completely irrelevant to them both. Your husband will expect you to become MIL's carer later on so your marriage is just to fulfil their needs now and in the future.

The real problem you have is your husband doesn’t care about your feelings, he tells you you’re his Queen to pacify you. Your marriage is all about him and his mum, he won’t hurt her by telling her you both need your own space but is happy to hurt you instead.

This is very true. He daren't/won't upset Mummy, but he's happy to upset you

This is so true

No.

Clearly stating a boundary and suggesting a solution is very far from rude and certainly not nasty.

The expectation that the poster should find a way to politely veil what she is saying is an old fashioned expectation of using non inclusive language.