How can I reduce my mother-in-law's weekly overnight stays?

[GreenTree5]

My MIL stays over at our place too often. She lives a 45 min drive away and comes over every week to stay for between 3-5 nights. We don't have a spare room so she sleeps on the sofa. This has happened for years. I am bewildered as to why. I cannot get my husband to reduce it as it's a sensitive topic with him and he gets very defensive and annoyed even when I broach the subject delicately. I'm sick of it. Any ideas are welcome please. Thank you

You too may well become a mother in law in the future….possibly living alone etc. I appreciate it’s difficult, please do try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. There may be an underlying reason. Maybe ask her to lunch and broach the subject to hopefully have the answers you are looking for.

Do you have a spare key for her flat ?
Every time she comes, uninvited to stay at yours you can go and stay at hers. Have some time to yourself. Sleep in her bed, rummage in her cupboards, eat her food, use her power, annoy her neighbours with loud music.
Have a ball.
And of course when she comes home she can clean up after you.

See how she likes it.

Living alone doesn't give a dm the right to gate crash her dc's life!!
He sounds grim.

There is no way in hell I’d put up with that. War zone or not, you put your foot down. And keep putting it down.

Thats hardly a fair comment. OP is not responsible for her MIL loneliness/ or lack of awareness.
OP I would pack your 'D'H a bag and tell him to go and stay with her if he cannot see your point. Your marriage should come first. And as much as you are a fool to put up with it this long, are you realty prepared to be live with her full time become her carer as it sounds like that is the long term plan.

You lost. It's not going to change.

You are not in a partnership, you do what your DH wants so this will continue until one of them dies or you wake up and realise that you are entitled to a life too.

three choices OP, warzone and deal with it, leave, or war zone and THEN leave

Your MIL lives with your part time and has done for many years. Your DH and MIL are highly unlikely to want this to change. Indeed, as she gets older, she may well stay for longer.

You have tried to sort this in the past but it hasn’t worked. I agree with the PP… you have 3 choices. Warzone and force a change. Put up and shut up. Warzone then leave.

Or accept the situation and build a granny flat for her so that she is there but not encroaching on your personal space.

Wow that’s a lot. Can you start doing more hosting? Have people round A LOT to break the cycle and then reduce it. Book club, wine tasting, art, whatever.

Not sure how MIL can have a fantastic social life when she is always at your house.
Not sure if there is a cultural consideration here but this is not the norm here. And most people would find it intolerable.

Is your MIL a mean person? Is it that she does not want to run up bills/buy food at her own place or has she sublet her own place? It seems strange that someone would want to sleep on a sofa for up to five night every week when she has other options.

It sounds horrific.

When we first got married, IL’s said they would come over and babysit for us, and stay on the sofa!

They only live 40 minutes away, and husband said that we could buy a sofa bed for the sitting room.

Our kitchen was through that room, and the thought of them staying 🥺

I said no. They never baby sat, and we never bought a sofa bed.

I’d pour several bottles of water of the sofa which will takes weeks to dry out.

In your case OP, get rid of the sofa, and have a new one on order, or say you’re going to.

Spill something on it, something awful, oil or something or paint. Anything to have no sofa for many weeks.

I honestly would 🤣

Great minds think alike !!!!

Mammy's boys are a nightmare.

I've broached it before and he doesn't listen. One time when I really put my foot down it was like a war zone.

Can you elaborate?

Maybe your DH should go and visit his mother for 3+ nights per week, if they really want to be together?

Honestly I’ve no idea how you got into this mess but next time she pops over ask for the keys to her place so you can stay there. Don’t forget to let her know there is a spare space in a bed upstairs, if she wants to share it with DH as the sofa can’t take anymore. Pretty sure he’d step in then!

It's your house too and you have as much say as him. Just tell him that you refuse to have her to stay any more. If he wants to live with his mum, he can move out and live with her in her home.

It all sounds completely fucked up. Do you do stuff for his mum while she is there, such as cooking her meals, doing her laundry etc? If so, stop doing any of that.

OP someone sleeping on your sofa for 3 -5 nights every week is absolutely not normal. It means your living room is slept in so much and this arrangement must be uncomfortable for her and you both re. privacy etc - simply tell husband he needs to provide other accommodation for MIL such as by buying a bigger house with more bathrooms or make an extension for her alone etc. So he may need to earn more money too.

That would drive me insane. I would have to do something drastic like spill spaghetti bolognese on the sofa and have to get rid of it.You can “order” a new one, but some of them take 6 months or so to get delivered. I would put hard plastic chairs in your living room and move the tv up to the bedroom for now.

We get on but that doesn't mean I want her in my place all the time. My husband invites her to stay and never asks me what I think. I think there's a controlling steak in the family but she is more passive and she allows it to continue because it's what she wants. Neither of them think of me. He says I'm his queen but does not act like it. His queen is his mother.

Maybe OP's MIL and her DH should put themselves in OP's shoes for a moment. Her MIL has basically moved into her home and set up shop in OP's lounge with no discussion, no explanation and no asking whether it is OK with OP. Her husband just loses his temper if she even tries to broach the subject.

Does she contribute anything to the bills or food given that she has basically been living with you for years?

OP, what would happen if you spoke to your MIL about this, rather than your DH?