Ex asking for holiday details after turning up uninvited last year

[Frankie5678]

Last year ex husband arrived at the same holiday destination as me and my children. He then proceeded to ask children if he could visit them at our hotel. I said no but felt awful for my children to have been out in this position. History of emotional abuse.
He is asking again for summer holiday details. (I don’t want the same to happen this year.)

I do, as I explained in my post, I couldn’t even tell my family if I was traveling and never traveled on one of his days.

I had to grow a pair to remove him from my life and protect my child from him, I had to involve the police, I was asked to move to a women’s refuge but what the hell do I know?

Keep pandering to him if that gives you some peace of mind.

This is really abusive and controlling behaviour - all of it. I’d advise you speaking to Women’s Aid to get some support and advice on how to deal with this.

No - you are right. It’s hard but you are right. Sorry you endured the same.

How old are the kids?

It may be too late for this year but stop telling them the holiday info ahead of time as PP suggested.

This year keep it as vague as possible - if he turns up again you have a definite pattern to use to take it further.

If all hell broke loose that would show everyone what he was really doing i.e. invading your holiday. No one would think that acceptable behaviour

Sounds like your family may be a problem for you too, OP. Did your childhood prime you for your ex's abuse? Are you in therapy to try to understand how their lack of support has affected you? Do you need to stay in touch with them at all?

You need some help for you to proccess your Ex. He's a nasty piece of work. Womens Aid or the Freedom Programme could be a good start too.

For your holiday don't lie. The Canaries has many islands, "forget" which one you are going to if anyone pushes. Or go to Spain or Portugal but go to the Northern areas which are less popular. Avoid anywhere you have been before, or that he knows you want to go to.

Children are late primary school. They
wish to please him and I have done a lot of reading up on how to protect their confidence moving forward. It’s a constant battle and I try my best to protect them from any adversity.
Family are still in contact with him and I have had to specifically request that he not be allowed in my home; previously the family home, when I am away.

Unless your children are very young it's going to be virtually impossible to keep this a complete secret from him. I think I'd be telling him in advance that if he pulls that stunt again you'll be contacting the police on your return to report him for stalking and harrassment.

Failing that, if it's at all possible, I'd change holiday plans. Go somewhere else altogether but don't tell the children until they work it out for themselves, which will be at the airport at the earliest.

I imagine he turned up last time to see if he you had a man with you.

Your family are awful and their continuing contact and support of him is cruel.

Do you have regular contact with them OP?

Even now I’m questioning myself if him turning up and asking to come to our hotel was really that bad.

I do but I struggle to trust them now. He knows this and I imagine finds my isolation quite satisfying.

You are under reacting. Tell everyone in a calm manner that he invaded your last holiday and you don’t want it to happen again. Tell him you do not want him there.

What happens next will at least show how unreasonable he is.

The children don't 'wish to please him', they are trauma bonded and scared of what might happen if they don't please him. As for your family - words fail me.

If you can, perhaps you need to change the locks before you go on holiday. You might end up having to go no-contact with your family, because not only are they enabling his behaviour, it seems like they are encouraging it.

I think at this point you can say I'm not telling you because of what you did last time you weirdo

If your family keep on his side they are NOT in your team. You cannot trust them or expect anything from them either. I don’t know how many times my tongue loose mother put DS and I in danger or caused costly delays in court by giving him information about me or my situation. All well intentioned, you know? For the sake of DS… she said. She thought that some way we could move out all that nonsense, patch up things and get back together because… that’s how men are and I was unreasonable making a fuss…

Needless to say that after all these years, I may have put my ex behind me but I cannot ever forgive my mother, she was an accomplice in the abuse. Were your parents nasty/emotionally abusive when you were growing up? If you have abusive parents you learn to normalise behaviours that do not respect your needs, wishes or boundaries from an early age.

You know what is going on in your life more than anyone else and you may do a lot of things trying to keep things “normal” for the sake of your children but honestly you don’t want them growing up thinking that men behaving like their dad and mum putting up with it is how love or normal relationships are.

Please seek help from Woman’s Aid or other local organisations, they can provide perspective, advice and support to help you find your voice and strength to close the door to him. In my case what turns thing around was a call to the police, they saw the abusive situation better than I could and got me a case worker from a local organisation to protect victims of abuse. The support information and counselling they provided was invaluable.

Give them all a different location. Stop pandering to him

Your kids must be worried that he is going to turn up… how awful and unacceptable. Fuck him and just give the wrong area and hotel

I would give him the wrong resort and hotel name and let him kick off.

You are on holiday so tell everyone you will have your mobile switched off the whole time.

This is all very familiar territory to me @Frankie5678 . I ditched my family and never regretted it. I think they all lost interest in each other once I'd blocked them all. You need specialist advice about your ex. I 100% believe you, but do you have proof of him turning up on your holiday? It's absolutely insane and abusive behaviour.

I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. Unfortunately like all bullies I’m afraid the only way out is to stand up to them. ‘All hell breaking loose’ or not. Personally I wouldn’t lie. I’d tell the children it is going to be a surprise (so they can’t tell him) and tell him, only if you have to speak to him, that you are not sharing the information due to him turning up last time. I would work on the principle with him of communication by text / email only and only on matters related to shared childcare. The less access he had, the less opportunity to abuse.
As for your family, words fail me. Seriously. Given your ex was abusive and continues to abuse you, personally I would reconsider continuing to have contact with anyone friendly with him. How dare they! These people are colluding in your continued abuse. They are part of the problem. If he did go to the wrong location and proceeded to create an emergency with your family, that will only work if you are still in contact with said family members. Drop anyone likely to assist him. It’s not clear to me why he might be able to enter your house whilst you are on holiday but change the locks and give no one he has access to a key. Hopefully you have a trusted friend or similar who hates his guts. You need some strong boundaries in place OP. With him AND your family.

You need to grow a back bone OP. Tell him a remote village in Greece, tell the kids the same if he’s going to target them. Then go to wherever the hell you want. Respond once to say you are all fine, change of plans and won’t be sharing details for obvious reasons. Tell your family you changed your plans if you have to justify yourself to them for some reason. You are an adult. This is an ex.

In your position I’d be thinking about booking a UK holiday so you don’t need his permission to leave the country, but also see a solicitor because him turning up last time was not ok.

Give him (and your children) the details of a holiday anywhere overseas.

Then go to a caravan park in Great Yarmouth - or anywhere else in the UK - as long as it is at least a hundred miles from anywhere you have ever been before.

Whoopsadaisy, foreign holiday got cancelled at the last minute and you had to find somewhere else really quickly. You knew the kids would be disappointed so you didn't tell them until you were actually on the way, but there wasn't anything else you could find with 24 hours notice.

I might also suggest that you ask MNHQ to remove your thread asap in case any of your loving treacherous family see it and give him the heads-up.

@Frankie5678 Your family is shit OP. They ought to support you but instead they bring you down. You need female friends who won't fall for his manipulation.