Ex asking for holiday details after turning up uninvited last year

[Frankie5678]

Last year ex husband arrived at the same holiday destination as me and my children. He then proceeded to ask children if he could visit them at our hotel. I said no but felt awful for my children to have been out in this position. History of emotional abuse.
He is asking again for summer holiday details. (I don’t want the same to happen this year.)

Absolutely not. Have you contacted a solicitor about this op? That's borderline stalking and harassment. And really distressing for your kids.

Give him the wrong details (wrong country), then when he turns up, tell him you saw a last minute deal so changed your mind?

He would deserve a wasted fortnight in Tenerife when you’re in Greece.

He is very calculating and made it out as if he was simply enjoying a golf holiday. He flew into the destination within hours of us - it was only by chance we didn’t meet at the airport. I was so shocked by his arrival that I hardly processed it at the time but looking back I can’t believe he thought this was fair to do to our children. He knew the hotel we were staying at as we had stayed there previously as a family many years before. He chose golf courses all around that area.

How much does he see the children normally? And is it supervised or unsupervised?
I don’t know if there’s much you can do if he wants to see them during his normal contact time, but just in the holiday location while you’re all there.
If there is no contact order in place and he just sees them if and when he wants then I think you need to consult a family law solicitor
How do the children feel about seeing him?

If I did this and he flew into that country, all hell would break loose. Upon break up he convinced pretty much everyone we knew that I was the problem despite his many affairs and gaslighting. I am so cowed by him that I haven’t even told my family that he turned up on my holiday last year.

He sees them on a regular schedule weekly. I would never dream of arriving at his holiday destination and understand that when they are with him, my time is elsewhere. I did question whether I should have allowed him to come to the hotel but I really did not see how it was healthy for any of us.

Do not tell him where you are going, actually just tell him a different country. This is the sort of shit my controlling ex would pull

Just tell him you plan to grab a last minute holiday somewhere in the Mediterranean and if he needs to contact you urgently relay via your mum/friend/whatever.

This is controlling and manipulative, it's good you didn't give in to him last time but now you know his game.

I don’t see that you are obliged to give him any details about your holiday, just the fact that you are away for a week or so between xx and xx dates.
Perhaps just give him a mobile contact number in case of emergencies. Even that shouldn’t be necessary at all. I think he would have to go to court to get more details about the holiday.

How old are the kids? What are their thoughts?

A friend of mine had this happen to him. Booked a holiday and the ex wife and her bike were staying at same hotel (not even sure if it was the same flight too?)

If I was him and was so keen to do it, I would simply ask the kids for the details, especially if you dont tell him. But really he has no right in knowing, and I would be tempted to tell him a different answer. Maybe not a total lie, for example if Cyprus tell him Paphos rather than Larnaca which is an hour and a half away and just explain the hotel changed if asked.

My children will tell him as they don’t see the need to not. He will ask as he is already doing so. He only knew the hotel last time as we’d visited the resort before many years ago. If I go to a different country, he won’t know the hotel, at least

You need his permission to Leave the country with them (as does he) so best you work with him.
why don’t you name what happened, describe the impact on kids and their holiday, and Ask for reassurance he will allow them to enjoy uninterrupted quality time with you during the hol

Discussing my feelings with him is not advised. He will have known the impact turning up at our hotel will have had.

Are the kids young enough that you can avoid telling them the country?

No - they will know the country and be aware of where we are going

Tell the children slightly wrong details. Like different hotel and so on.

id personally not go on holiday if this was going to happen or otherwise tell them a completely different country.

Tell him and the children wrong destination. Children can find out at airport as surprise. You need to stand up for yourself.

An entire country is massive. You don't need to tell the kids the exactly city/town/resort. And def not the exact hotel. If they don't know the exact details he won't be able to find out. And even if you book it, tell the kids you are going to get a last minute deal so you've got no details yet (if they ask).

As with all things in life, you can't be passive and get what you want. He should be a decent person. He's not. So lie and deal with it. Or don't and deal with that. Or tell him not to and deal with that.

Definitely give him the wrong details even if that means not telling the children when & where of the actual holiday.

they will love a fab surprise.

if he wants to holiday with his kids he can do what normal people do & book it himself & take them. No need to force himself into your holiday.

do what you have to, to make sure he doesn’t spoil this years break for you

Another one saying give the kids the name of a different hotel and resort in the same country. And stick to the line with everyone that it got switched last minute.

This is good advice if you're dealing with a normal person. It won't get you anywhere with an abuser. He'll probably just turn it back on her and make out she's the problem.

Do you have a court order in place OP? Or do you need his permission to take the kids out of the country?

I would be concerned about the idea of telling him the country/city. If he's followed you there it would be pretty easy to move cities and turn up a day later once he's relalised where you actually are (which he may be able to do in all sorts of ways. It may not just be because you'd used the hotel previously that lead him to the right place last year).

Instead of lying to him (and the kids) about where you're gong, I would be more inclined to lie about when. Book two "holiday" dates in - one to go stay with parents/friends and one where ever it is you actually want to go. Tell him the parent one is first but actually go on the proper holiday. Whether you go to stay with parents or friends on the second set of dates doesn't really matter. Alternatively, just go for the days he doesn't have them so you don't have to get his agreement at all.

Also - stop protecting him. Tell your parents what he did. Mention it any time it's relevant. Consider putting all communication through a parenting app if you don't already so that if "all hell" breaks loose you have it recorded (use your phone if he turns up in person) and can potentially get a court order that puts better restrictions in place.

Oh OP you really need to get this sorted through a solicitor, it isn’t fair he is doing this.

If you feel can’t do that, why not tell him which country you are going to and a hotel, but book another hotel at a completely different part of the country don’t tell the kids the name of the actual hotel you are going to, and when you get there, say the tour operator doubled booked and you had to change hotels at the last minute.

You will need to tell your children a different place - country and hotel.

For the sake of your peace, its a little white lie, if he turns up there and isn't happy, thats not on you, and you had to switch last minute due to a flight change....

Sorry your going through this.