Ex asking for holiday details after turning up uninvited last year

[Frankie5678]

Last year ex husband arrived at the same holiday destination as me and my children. He then proceeded to ask children if he could visit them at our hotel. I said no but felt awful for my children to have been out in this position. History of emotional abuse.
He is asking again for summer holiday details. (I don’t want the same to happen this year.)

I would seek legal advice about this based on his harassment behaviour last summer. You might consider going to court to get a 'lives with' order, then you don't need his permission to take them out of the country for up to 30 days. It was disgusting of him to turn up and put you and your children in that position. You could re-post in legal or ask for your thread to be moved. I don't think you should lie to him.

Personally I would tell the kids we are going to xxx

Then when you get to the airport surprise we are going to yyy

I know it’s hard to do this, but it’s the only way you will be able to make sure he doesn’t arrive there

Just tell the kids I'm thinking of going to x or x but not sure yet. Alternatively, give the country but say your still undecided on which resort yet as your not sure.

I know it's hard for you but he knows that too and is relying on the kids telling him. Don't let him manipulate you via them.

Op, you need to let go a bit, you are not together anymore and you don’t need to act the way he wants to avoid him “damaging your reputation”. Using “people who know me won’t believe it, people who don’t… don’t matter” as a mantra certainly helped me out of this abuse symptom.

You are afraid hell will break loose if you give him different trip details, if that is truly the case you need an order to keep him away from you and your children if that results in threats, abuse, or hurting you or the children (talking to children badly about the other parent is also legally classified as child abuse).

In my case hell breaking loose meant child maintenance was unpaid which really put me in financial hardship so my way of defense was to avoid confrontation through radio silence, the less he knew about what we were up to the less problems we had so…

I never told him when we were going away, I kept the holidays to myself and only my closest friends and totally discrete knew about the plans (not even my family because my mother would tell him). I packed the car at night and only revealed the holiday to DS when we were on our way to the airport.

I wouldn't lie to the kids but I would tell them I'm taking them on a surprise holiday and they will find out where we are going once we are at the airport. Your ex is clearly insane.

Pick a really rubbish resort that’s in the middle of nowhere with nothing local and with awful reviews and tell him you’re going there. Tell the kids you’re going there.
Don’t let anyone know your actual holiday destination!

Go and have a lovely holiday while he has a shitty time 😊

This is so weird. I would not tell him any details about anything ever. Downright creepy.

Do you have a child arrangements order?

Don’t be specific with the DC. We’re going to Spain, staying by the beach.

Are you sure he doesn’t have a tracker on you or the dc? In their phone or similar? I’d speak to women’s aid for advice if you can. This is stalking/harrassment.

I think the point is that he is not a reasonable person who would respond well to that conversation

I would be in writing to him and cc his solicitor that after his unreasonable behaviour last year of not leaving you and the DC for peaceful enjoyment of your holiday you will not be supplying him with details of your holiday and he should not be asking the DC.

You do not need permission to leave the county with your kids provided you are intending to return and it's only a short break.

This is highly abusive behaviour so telling the op it's better to work with him is inappropriate advice. Speaking to a solicitor even purely to get advice here is very important op. You've left him but now is time to take the next steps and start to put boundaries in place. He'll react initially of course which is why you need solid support to help you stand firm.

Op I would actually keep the kids on an information diet. Tell them they're going to Spain but not the actual resort. If they don't know they can't tell him and it means noone needs to lie which is important for the kids as you don't want any fall out on them. Plus they still cab get excited.

I'd he starts to push them on it I'd be contacting social services and reporting this as it's abusive to use children as spies. I'd also contact womans aid for support op as this is what he's doing.

Friends and family need to know the extent of what is happening. You owe him nothing and you've done nothing wrong. Stop covering for him. Abuse like this thrives in secrecy. So tell people- it keeps him accountable. It also cuts right through the gaslighting of him telling you that he's make you look bad to others.

Just to note OP- do your children have phones? You may wish to check their location sharing and apps like life 360 or find my phone on iPhone.

Also all of this. It sounds like he may well be tracking you through the kids.

Do the kids have phones with a tracker? If so, make sure you turn them off on departure day.

Do you need his permission in any way and feel you have to be transparent in case he withholds it? [I ask because some countries do insist on letters from non custodial parents due to child abduction cases].

If so, I would speak to a solicitor and get a court order stating you are allowed to take them overseas on family holidays (you can show this if queried at the passport checks on arrival) and then decline to share details going forward.

I like the idea of giving the wrong hotel or saying there was a last minute change and then being somewhere else an hour or so away. Just make sure the kids phones (if they are old enough to have them) don’t have SIM cards for whatever country you are in

Choose somewhere with no gold courses?

Tell the kids it is a surprise so then you have no reason to lie to your kids and they have no info to pass on. What he is doing is stalking you and it is vile and very controlling.

Tell your kids and ex that you want to wait with the bookings due to the middle east conflict. Then tell him a couple of days before leaving where you are going (say you will book hotel when on site)

Honestly I'd tell him that a friend of work has an in with a travel agent and has promised you a late minute deal with exact location tbc