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Original poster

Ex asking for holiday details after turning up uninvited last year

75 replies

Frankie5678 · 27/04/2026 23:29

Last year ex husband arrived at the same holiday destination as me and my children. He then proceeded to ask children if he could visit them at our hotel. I said no but felt awful for my children to have been out in this position. History of emotional abuse.
He is asking again for summer holiday details. (I don’t want the same to happen this year.)

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 28/04/2026 01:05

I would seek legal advice about this based on his harassment behaviour last summer. You might consider going to court to get a 'lives with' order, then you don't need his permission to take them out of the country for up to 30 days. It was disgusting of him to turn up and put you and your children in that position. You could re-post in legal or ask for your thread to be moved. I don't think you should lie to him.

Vaxtable · 28/04/2026 01:08

Personally I would tell the kids we are going to xxx

Then when you get to the airport surprise we are going to yyy

I know it’s hard to do this, but it’s the only way you will be able to make sure he doesn’t arrive there

SliceofTosst · 28/04/2026 08:07

Just tell the kids I'm thinking of going to x or x but not sure yet. Alternatively, give the country but say your still undecided on which resort yet as your not sure.

I know it's hard for you but he knows that too and is relying on the kids telling him. Don't let him manipulate you via them.

GrandmasCat · 28/04/2026 08:37

Frankie5678 · 27/04/2026 23:37

If I did this and he flew into that country, all hell would break loose. Upon break up he convinced pretty much everyone we knew that I was the problem despite his many affairs and gaslighting. I am so cowed by him that I haven’t even told my family that he turned up on my holiday last year.

Show quote history

Op, you need to let go a bit, you are not together anymore and you don’t need to act the way he wants to avoid him “damaging your reputation”. Using “people who know me won’t believe it, people who don’t… don’t matter” as a mantra certainly helped me out of this abuse symptom.

You are afraid hell will break loose if you give him different trip details, if that is truly the case you need an order to keep him away from you and your children if that results in threats, abuse, or hurting you or the children (talking to children badly about the other parent is also legally classified as child abuse).

In my case hell breaking loose meant child maintenance was unpaid which really put me in financial hardship so my way of defense was to avoid confrontation through radio silence, the less he knew about what we were up to the less problems we had so…

I never told him when we were going away, I kept the holidays to myself and only my closest friends and totally discrete knew about the plans (not even my family because my mother would tell him). I packed the car at night and only revealed the holiday to DS when we were on our way to the airport.

Snoken · 28/04/2026 08:41

I wouldn't lie to the kids but I would tell them I'm taking them on a surprise holiday and they will find out where we are going once we are at the airport. Your ex is clearly insane.

ThisAutumnTown · 28/04/2026 08:41

Pick a really rubbish resort that’s in the middle of nowhere with nothing local and with awful reviews and tell him you’re going there. Tell the kids you’re going there.
Don’t let anyone know your actual holiday destination!

Go and have a lovely holiday while he has a shitty time 😊

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 28/04/2026 08:42

This is so weird. I would not tell him any details about anything ever. Downright creepy.

RoseField1 · 28/04/2026 08:44

Do you have a child arrangements order?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/04/2026 08:47

Don’t be specific with the DC. We’re going to Spain, staying by the beach.

Are you sure he doesn’t have a tracker on you or the dc? In their phone or similar? I’d speak to women’s aid for advice if you can. This is stalking/harrassment.

Cheese55 · 28/04/2026 08:51

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/04/2026 23:50

You need his permission to Leave the country with them (as does he) so best you work with him.
why don’t you name what happened, describe the impact on kids and their holiday, and Ask for reassurance he will allow them to enjoy uninterrupted quality time with you during the hol

I think the point is that he is not a reasonable person who would respond well to that conversation

RandomMess · 28/04/2026 08:56

I would be in writing to him and cc his solicitor that after his unreasonable behaviour last year of not leaving you and the DC for peaceful enjoyment of your holiday you will not be supplying him with details of your holiday and he should not be asking the DC.

Lavender14 · 28/04/2026 09:00

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/04/2026 23:50

You need his permission to Leave the country with them (as does he) so best you work with him.
why don’t you name what happened, describe the impact on kids and their holiday, and Ask for reassurance he will allow them to enjoy uninterrupted quality time with you during the hol

You do not need permission to leave the county with your kids provided you are intending to return and it's only a short break.

This is highly abusive behaviour so telling the op it's better to work with him is inappropriate advice. Speaking to a solicitor even purely to get advice here is very important op. You've left him but now is time to take the next steps and start to put boundaries in place. He'll react initially of course which is why you need solid support to help you stand firm.

Op I would actually keep the kids on an information diet. Tell them they're going to Spain but not the actual resort. If they don't know they can't tell him and it means noone needs to lie which is important for the kids as you don't want any fall out on them. Plus they still cab get excited.

I'd he starts to push them on it I'd be contacting social services and reporting this as it's abusive to use children as spies. I'd also contact womans aid for support op as this is what he's doing.

Friends and family need to know the extent of what is happening. You owe him nothing and you've done nothing wrong. Stop covering for him. Abuse like this thrives in secrecy. So tell people- it keeps him accountable. It also cuts right through the gaslighting of him telling you that he's make you look bad to others.

Probablyshouldntsay · 28/04/2026 09:00

Just to note OP- do your children have phones? You may wish to check their location sharing and apps like life 360 or find my phone on iPhone.

Lavender14 · 28/04/2026 09:02

Probablyshouldntsay · 28/04/2026 09:00

Just to note OP- do your children have phones? You may wish to check their location sharing and apps like life 360 or find my phone on iPhone.

Also all of this. It sounds like he may well be tracking you through the kids.

thinkofsomethingdifferent · 28/04/2026 09:11

Do the kids have phones with a tracker? If so, make sure you turn them off on departure day.

FormerCautiousLurker · 28/04/2026 09:23

Frankie5678 · 27/04/2026 23:29

Last year ex husband arrived at the same holiday destination as me and my children. He then proceeded to ask children if he could visit them at our hotel. I said no but felt awful for my children to have been out in this position. History of emotional abuse.
He is asking again for summer holiday details. (I don’t want the same to happen this year.)

Do you need his permission in any way and feel you have to be transparent in case he withholds it? [I ask because some countries do insist on letters from non custodial parents due to child abduction cases].

If so, I would speak to a solicitor and get a court order stating you are allowed to take them overseas on family holidays (you can show this if queried at the passport checks on arrival) and then decline to share details going forward.

Icecreamisthebest · 28/04/2026 09:46

I like the idea of giving the wrong hotel or saying there was a last minute change and then being somewhere else an hour or so away. Just make sure the kids phones (if they are old enough to have them) don’t have SIM cards for whatever country you are in

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 28/04/2026 09:48

Choose somewhere with no gold courses?

Itsanewdawnitsanewdayitsanewlife4me · 28/04/2026 12:52

Tell the kids it is a surprise so then you have no reason to lie to your kids and they have no info to pass on. What he is doing is stalking you and it is vile and very controlling.

TheBlueKoala · 28/04/2026 12:56

Frankie5678 · 27/04/2026 23:48

My children will tell him as they don’t see the need to not. He will ask as he is already doing so. He only knew the hotel last time as we’d visited the resort before many years ago. If I go to a different country, he won’t know the hotel, at least

Tell your kids and ex that you want to wait with the bookings due to the middle east conflict. Then tell him a couple of days before leaving where you are going (say you will book hotel when on site)

lizzyBennet08 · 28/04/2026 13:47

Honestly I'd tell him that a friend of work has an in with a travel agent and has promised you a late minute deal with exact location tbc

bigboykitty · 28/04/2026 16:24

Lavender14 · 28/04/2026 09:00

You do not need permission to leave the county with your kids provided you are intending to return and it's only a short break.

This is highly abusive behaviour so telling the op it's better to work with him is inappropriate advice. Speaking to a solicitor even purely to get advice here is very important op. You've left him but now is time to take the next steps and start to put boundaries in place. He'll react initially of course which is why you need solid support to help you stand firm.

Op I would actually keep the kids on an information diet. Tell them they're going to Spain but not the actual resort. If they don't know they can't tell him and it means noone needs to lie which is important for the kids as you don't want any fall out on them. Plus they still cab get excited.

I'd he starts to push them on it I'd be contacting social services and reporting this as it's abusive to use children as spies. I'd also contact womans aid for support op as this is what he's doing.

Friends and family need to know the extent of what is happening. You owe him nothing and you've done nothing wrong. Stop covering for him. Abuse like this thrives in secrecy. So tell people- it keeps him accountable. It also cuts right through the gaslighting of him telling you that he's make you look bad to others.

Show quote history

Unfortunately you are wrong about needing his permission. You don't need this only if you have a lives with order.

Original poster
Frankie5678 · 28/04/2026 16:35

GrandmasCat · 28/04/2026 08:37

Op, you need to let go a bit, you are not together anymore and you don’t need to act the way he wants to avoid him “damaging your reputation”. Using “people who know me won’t believe it, people who don’t… don’t matter” as a mantra certainly helped me out of this abuse symptom.

You are afraid hell will break loose if you give him different trip details, if that is truly the case you need an order to keep him away from you and your children if that results in threats, abuse, or hurting you or the children (talking to children badly about the other parent is also legally classified as child abuse).

In my case hell breaking loose meant child maintenance was unpaid which really put me in financial hardship so my way of defense was to avoid confrontation through radio silence, the less he knew about what we were up to the less problems we had so…

I never told him when we were going away, I kept the holidays to myself and only my closest friends and totally discrete knew about the plans (not even my family because my mother would tell him). I packed the car at night and only revealed the holiday to DS when we were on our way to the airport.

Edited
Show quote history

Hell breaking loose as in if I told him the wrong details and he turned up, he would then contact my family stating an emergency of some sort as we weren’t there and instead of questioning him as to why he was there, they would ask why I had lied.
If you haven’t experienced this level of emotional abuse, it is hard to understand

OP posts:
Oleoreoleo · 28/04/2026 16:35

I am so cowed by him that I haven’t even told my family that he turned up on my holiday last year.

why can’t you speak to your family?

Original poster
Frankie5678 · 28/04/2026 16:40

Oleoreoleo · 28/04/2026 16:35

I am so cowed by him that I haven’t even told my family that he turned up on my holiday last year.

why can’t you speak to your family?

Because he has manipulated them to an extent that they believe his affairs were a failing on my part

OP posts:
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