I can’t sleep tonight. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t want hubby to be sad, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t think I care about me. I want to give hubby a hug, even now, I did this afternoon, he hugged me and I didn’t feel nothing and it didn’t feel awkward. Was starting to think he suspected something, he knows I’m not right, I’m dissociative, and forcing presence. I think I’m probably just overthinking and hyper vigilant because I’m opening up with others about us. It feels like cheating. Fortunately these moments pass and within a couple of days if I feel like everything is okay and I manage to convince myself that everything is fine between us I will feel better. I know that’s not helpful.
His health is always on my mind. He’s on medication for high blood pressure and his health won’t get better because that isn’t his priority. But I struggle to think of him on his own and I don’t want him to be sick or sad. I’d hope he’d improve his health for our beautiful DCs. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. He does so much for me. So much. I was thinking if I do decide to end the marriage, maybe it will be gentler on us both if I sat him down and told him? Then we could work the next plan together and it should make it easier for us both with no hard feelings and we can then work out how we are going to raise the children.
I saw my beautiful friend, she was open that she hates hubby. She thinks he’s a narcissist. I know it’s because she sees what he does, and the pain he’s caused. I know this is probably a natural response to someone hurting your friend. I don’t want that for her though, I don’t want her to carry so much because of me, I hate putting her through this. I know how much she wants me to leave. I’m at the point where I’m recognising what he’s done, but I don’t feel like I can leave. It doesn’t feel natural to know someone is abusing you and to not instantly want out. I’ve realised though, that the person I wish I could leave for to make her feel better is my friend. She told me she’s concerned and worries about me. I don’t like hearing that. It makes me feel responsible I think. I’d do anything for anyone, anything, but I can’t do this for her yet. How can I even tell her that? It’s the most helpless I’ve ever felt. I need to feel ready 😢
She said she’s worried that when she’s suggested we go for a walk etc and I’ve gone I might have been punished because of her and she worries that it might not be the right thing to do. What can you say to that? He has punished me, not consistently, sometimes the keys have been in the door so I can’t unlock, sexual touching in the night although that might be a coincidence, or he says I can’t do bedtime with our DD because I take too long (she likes me to lie in bed with her and snuggle for a bit whereas he wants me downstairs) but he never sticks to it. Maybe it’s what WA said about him not being consistent to add to my confusion, but I also think he doesn’t stick to it because it requires more effort.
It’s not my friends fault though and I still like to see her because otherwise, I am on my own and isolated. I don’t want her to feel responsible.
I’m going to a retreat morning in some woodland on Friday, it’s for empowering women. My best friend and I are going. It will be way out of my comfort zone. We’ll be throwing axes apparently! It’s hosted by a man and woman, I’m worried about the man a bit because they scare me but I’ll feel safe having her with me. She knows my vulnerabilities and goes out of her way to make me feel safe and supported. I think you asked me once @goodThingGonewrong if I had like a mother figure type, well she is mine. She’s a few years younger but very gentle and caring, but has a protectiveness in her too.
She has ordered the book for me that you recommended @Agapornis It might take me a while to read because I won’t bring it home but maybe some reading will help.