I can’t remember exactly how long he was on the sofa for. It was a few weeks, maybe 2 months. I’m worried I’m getting the times mixed up. I maybe really try and need to work that out in my head. Tbh I felt sorry for him. He’s a big guy and I knew he wasn’t sleeping well on the sofa and seeing his pillow next to the sofa each morning made me feel sad for him. Also at the point where he had a discussion about him coming back to bed, I’d been out for a few drinks with the friend that likes him. The wine made me talk and I told her what had happened and that he was on the sofa. She didn’t like what he did, I must emphasise that, but she was sympathetic about him not sleeping in a proper bed because it wasn’t very comfortable. At this point it had been some weeks. We don’t have a spare room you see.
He didnt mention any next steps with NHS regarding safe sleeping. I’d read online to find ways to help us and it mentioned good sleep hygiene, reducing alcohol intake etc. I mentioned this and he didn’t do it. But I felt like he was going through enough. He’d lost his mum earlier that year which was painful and stressful for him as you’d expect, it’s a horrendous and heartbreaking loss. I suspect but I don’t know, that whatever conversation was had, this is probably what was mentioned as a factor. In fact actually he told me he talked about his grief, and counselling or CBT had been offered. I’m not sure if this was for the grief or if they think maybe the loss caused anxiety that made him touch me in my sleep that he couldn’t recall. It’s very confusing. Before I forget he did have some therapy on the phone like I mentioned earlier, but he said after some time that he wasn’t finding it helpful, and he said they said he needs to focus on his self care and looking after himself as he is clearly struggling. It was almost suggesting that I needed to do more. I did and do lots around the house, but I was also trying to process stuff too and I was keeping this secret so I know and admit that I wasn’t as productive as normal. Not to take away from him and his loss, I do hope I’m making sense. He’s not particularly open with me, he holds a lot in, and the first time he mentioned feeling suicidal was when I confronted him. I had no idea that he was feeling so low, he was struggling with grief, but I didn’t know he was so depressed. I feel awful for not knowing, which then brought up my own guilt because as I said earlier, I’d started to do a few more things for myself that year. I felt selfish. I’ll add to that when he said this and broke down crying when I told him, his response was I don’t remember, are you going to leave? He didn’t ask if I was okay. I don’t know if he told them about the clusters of sexual stuff in the night the year before a few months after DC was born. A year before when things were good for him. He said he did. I did say I felt like I’d been violated, he got defensive and said that MH said it’s not sexual assault because there was no intent and he would never hurt me. He told me he shared with them that I was upset. He went onto say that sometimes I confuse him because we’ve had sex in the night. These are the times when pre to this, when he’s touched in my sleep I’d rolled over and let him on top to have sex with me because I wanted it over with. He can use teeth, not always, like a nibble on my back not biting and I don’t like it. Or he gets dribble all over my shoulder. He used to watch a lot of porn in front on me in the first couple of years in our relationship and I think he wants me to be like them. I find sex hard, even when we want it. It brings up a lot emotionally. I don’t want to be a doll. But I was tired and wanted to go back to sleep. I also just wanted to keep him happy and for him to feel good about himself. He is outwardly very confident, bordering arrogant, but I do think he’s insecure too. Like when my friend said he seems like he’s trying too hard. I do take responsibility for that. I can go some place out of body during sex so it isn’t too bad for me. But it’s confusing for me and for him. I don’t want to blame him, maybe this is on us both. This is where the doubt comes in 😢
When he came back into our bed though, my head felt numb. I was scared. He’d promised it would never happen again but I didn’t see how he could given that it wasn’t something he was choosing to do. I was very scared. It hurt. I wanted to carry on with life, a fresh start as a family.
I don’t know if he was threatening suicide, he didn’t say if you leave I will kill myself. Just told me how low he had felt and when I challenged what had happened because I couldn’t make it make sense, that’s when he told me how horrible and suicidal he felt and stormed out the house and after me trying to ring him to make sure he was okay and him ignoring me I rang the police.
I’m sorry it’s long. There’s so many layers and lots went on and I want to get this right. I’m sorry it’s probably hard to unpick with me 😞 I have had sex to give me some control and this. I will try and think more of dates as I don’t want to mislead.
I hope you’re enjoying the BH