Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Thanks everyone for your kindness and thanks @goodThingGonewrong for sharing for me. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find my thread.

I’m sick with nerves and in a bit of shock but I know it’s the right thing. Doing my best to be completely normal for now, but I know I’ll fall apart soon. I’ll post when I can, but post Wednesday I don’t know when that will be. Hubby flies out tomorrow afternoon so I have a couple of days.This is a new username with a new email as I don’t want to leave a trace incase he goes digging when I leave. My old account has been deleted. I’m going to my friends on Wednesday where we’ll contact services but my friend said I can stay with her for as long as is needed. My son is going away with school for 2 nights on Monday which has only just dawned on me so I have no idea how to navigate that as I don’t want him ti miss out.

Thanks for helping me. I pray this is the right thing to do. If anyone has any tips or things I should be aware of feel free to share. I’m sorry it’s took so long. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I don’t feel ready but maybe I won’t ever be. It’s really hard to know that someone else can’t love me, when all I’ve wanted is to be loved xx

You are loved by your children and you will be loved again, nothing you’ve shown us here makes you unlovable , quite the opposite @Beckaboop21345

You are seizing the moment . My only advice will be please don’t let him lure you back. Because if he does the abuse will 100% worse despite the begging , crying and promises. Do not have contact with him to avoid this scenario. He will have you under lock and key if you go back so please make sure that door is closed. That’s my most important advice for you x

I agree, please don’t keep in contact once you leave, I would hate for him to manipulate you to go back to him. If you can have a third party to communicate if he wants to see the kids, such as the friend who is helping you now. Also can you get in touch with a solicitor once at your friends house to start divorce proceedings? You will be entitled to at least 50% of all assets, maybe more as you are the primary carer of the children. If you feel strong enough with your friends help can you make a police report and ask for a non molestation order? You could request an occupation order but I think you will be safer at your friends house. You can also get in touch with NCDV, they can help with non molestation orders. Sorry if this is too much, take each step at a time, can you make a claim for UC? Also look into social housing as you will be effectively without a home, until the divorce is finaIised and you can start to rebuild you and your childrens lives. Do you have any access to savings?

To begin with once you leave you may have a range of emotions. From extreme guilt, sadness, despair, anxiety, panic attacks. Please remember these emotions are perfectly normal and are a result of the trauma, they will be temporary I promise. Once you feel strong enough therapy for you and the children would be a good idea. Children are resilient and yourself and your children will continue to thrive in a new environment. You sound like such a lovely, caring, compassionate person. I’m so sorry you have been let down by your husband and your family. I felt the same as you, that I was unlovable but I drew strength from my children, we are a little unit together we get through difficulties together. Your children love you, always remember to them you are their world. Once you’ve healed you may find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Until that time draw strength from your children and your good friend. Who undoubtedly loves you too. I also want to say how proud I am of you for taking this huge step in leaving. Your strong, resilient and you will get through this. Sending love, thinking of you xx❤️

contact for husband to see kids can be done through a contact centre - we can cross that bridge when we come to it. It’s safer for you and the kids x

@Beckaboop21345 thinking of you and sending you strength. You have come so far, this won’t be easy but you can do it and life will be better.

Proud of you @Beckaboop21345 - deep breaths, calm those nerves - it's the right step. This is just one step, remember, try and focus on it being one step. One step to secure your future away from this awful man. Other steps will follow, but right now there is just this one.

I echo others when I say do not let him manipulate you into going back. He will not change. He will never change. Yes to contact centre for the children too.

My little piece of advice is: NO - is a full sentence. Remember you are worth so much more than to be hurt by this man.

Also, to your friend for taking you in - this is what love is, what respect is and what true friendship is. Hugs to her too.

I hope you are ok @Beckaboop21345 . Thinking of you and sending you love and support x

I am really sorry, I panicked and couldn’t do it 😢 I’m so ashamed of myself for not being able to and now I don’t feel worthy of any support and feel responsible for further abuse because I have chose to stay a bit longer. I just wasn’t ready.

That's absolutely fine, and ok, you didn't make it this time. But perhaps the next time you'll feel a little stronger. You totally deserve EVEN MORE support after this.

No one deserves the treatment he's dealing out. No one.

We are here for you no matter what. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Try to do something for yourself each and every day. Cut one of your roses and take it into the kitchen to enjoy. Just the little things will make a difference.

Thinking of you and sending a big hug.
Your still very brave.
Deep breaths
X💕

It is so very tough. You deserve the support and will do now and in the future.
We are all here for you.

Please don’t be sorry, your incredibly brave to get to this stage, it may take many attempts, that’s alright too as each attempt will make you stronger and more determined. The unknown can be frightening but please don’t give up. You will always be worthy of support as will any other women in your situation. You are never responsible for any abuse thrown at you xxx

I just got scared. I rang the local domestic abuse service and they wouldn’t really talk without me referring myself with all my details and someone would have to call me back to do a questionnaire. It threw me.

Thanks for being kind, I’m sad that I messed up but I guess it wasn’t the right time.

@Beckaboop21345 you have been and are incredibly brave. You are a step closer to leaving. You know what the next step will entail and you will be ready for it.
You don’t deserve any abuse for staying, only kindness and understanding from us all. We are all still here xx

Thank you, I wish I could believe that 😢 my friend said I need to start advocating for myself but I’m just so down.

Please don t feel that you ve let yourself down.
I and others here too; think you ve come leaps and bounds.
Don t give up on yourself.
Retain your resilence( it is in there ).
Small steps ,deep breaths ;
you ll get there 💗X
.

@Beckaboop21345 it will be ok. You are probably emotionally exhausted. I hope you manage to eat and drink little and often ( even if you don’t feel like it). Think of your roses. Something you love. Know you are cared for by this little village of posters. We are your team. You will feel better soon x

Thank you all. I was telling myself I deserve to be alone and that everyone will be cross with me and disappointed because that’s what I expect from the world. I am sorry.

Im so tired. Have anxiety shakes in the night and sickness. My eyes are so tired but my brain won’t switch off. I’m trying to not have any melatonin xx

@Beckaboop21345 no one is angry with you, we’re all just relieved to hear you’re ok. It takes time to do these things and no doubt feels like you’re jumping off a cliff into the unknown. It takes most people a few attempts to leave before they actually do, this was your first try and as @goodThingGonewrong said, you now know what to expect next time, this was the test run. Be kind to yourself

Thank you I thought I was ready. I’m trying to move forward now, the time will come and it’s more likely to go well if I’m properly ready. I’m fortunate that hubby was away so it’s not like I went and returned. He’s none the wiser thank goodness.

@Beckaboop21345 you don't need to feel bad about not being able to make it out right now. As others have said, it often takes several attempts to leave. You will get there!

I'm new to commenting on your thread but I've been reading your threads and my heart goes out to you. You have been so brave and resilient and seeing you gradually understand the reality of your situation has been really moving.

Something you could possibly consider trying if you can get it is magnesium chloride 'oil' which you apply to skin. You can get it from Amazon or Ebay. It's good for stress relief, improving sleep and giving you energy. Some people find it reduces brain fog. Feel free to ignore the suggestion though. :)

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I’ll definitely have a look. I probably only slept for two hours last night.

@Beckaboop21345 Imagine leaving is like leaping from one very tall building to another. You've warmed up, got your trainers on, been practicing, but you're feeling a bit under the weather. When you go to take the leap, you realise that the wind is against you, so you abort the attempt. Far better to try again another day when the conditions are more favourable, and you're feeling up to it and sure you're going to land safely on the other side.

I've posted the same thing on your threads several times, but I really mean it; I have no doubt you'll get where you need to be, both physically and mentally. This is not something you're doing to "satisfy" us on MN, so never worry that you're "disappointing" any of us. We're here to offer support, share experiences and offer advice where we can.

Wishing you all the best.