Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I could have ended up anywhere, and the life I have now isn’t as bad as it could’ve been. It’s all I’ve known too.

I am worried that I might not have the strength to leave. I’m so scared. This will be a massive thing for me. Depending on where I get housed I’d be so dependant on friends coming to see me and I’m honestly scared that they won’t. So many things are worrying me. I’m giving my friend a breather too, not that we’ve talked much about stuff because we can’t but it’s her mums birthday and it’s the one one without her on Sunday and she goes away on holiday soon. I can’t put anymore on her or any pressure there.

Thank you, don’t worry I don’t think it will ever get to this. I will make a mental note though xx

💐 you can always post here x

@Becksta1 i do not think you could be as alone as what you are now. even if your friends didn’t visit you, and that’s a big “if” , your world will be much bigger.
You would likely start work, meet colleagues that become friends, be able to chat to other mums on the school run. You will be able to invite your best friend over and be totally relaxed.

Much more importantly you will not be living in fear, you will have access to money and buy whatever the hell you want, treat yourself and your dc. Please stay positive, it will happen, say it to yourself every day. Go at your own pace, take a breather this week but next week, one foot in front of the other. You are capable and strong. You have got this. It’s ok to be scared. It’s normal but the adrenaline will help you in the end x

I’m worried he’ll find out. I had sex with him last night, just so try and keep things normal. I know that was wrong, I know it. And there’s a cost to me when it hits, but I had to.

@Becksta1 im so sorry you felt you had no choice, you are clearly know how to handle him in the way which is safest for you, no one is judging you for that.

It must be almost impossible for you to imagine a life away from him as you are so conditioned to feeling like you need him and his approval but one day you will be free of him. One day you will be sitting in your kitchen and realise that there is no one telling you what to do, no one you need permission from and no one whose anger or outbursts you have to ‘manage’. You will be relaxed, feel lighter, calmer and content. Your children will be happier, they’ll smile more and be carefree. On that day you will see how far you are from where you are right now and you will be so proud of yourself and only wish that you had seen the truth sooner. That day will come, one day it will, you can do this.

Thanks for not judging. It’s two maybe, three nights on the bounce now. My mind is foggy. I don’t know if it’s feeling easier. Remembering before that I’ve had bruised wrists and arms before that I don’t know how have got there. My friend asked me once about them and I didn’t know, she said they looked like grab marks. It’s not happened for a while. I think last October was the last. I don’t know if I’m so numb at night that just don’t feel anything.

im sorry im pouring again. I forget then i remember, even though i dont want to.

I’ve not had my night time tea for a while which is affecting my sleep which isn’t helping.

I just have to believe that I’m worthy of a life and I can be without him.

I am doing okay aren’t I? Because I do try really hard.

You're doing ok op ❤️🫂

@Becksta1 not remembering and feeling foggy are very common trauma responses. Our bodies are designed to protect us wherever possible, the brain does this by blocking out traumatic events and not allowing ourselves to recall them, especially if still in a dangerous situation.

It’s clear you are trying really hard to keep going, doing what you can to lessen the danger and to feel some sense of control. You’ve made it through another day and every day you are getting stronger, which means it feels scarier as you’re pulling away from the narrative he feeds you. That’s unsettling as you are moving into the unknown, it’s ok to do this at whatever pace you feel comfortable with but you have to focus on your ultimate goal and be brave.

You are worthy of a better life and you will get there.

I'm sorry to be so matter of fact but photos of those marks would be quite important but if he can see your photos (cloud, access to device etc) that would put you at more risk

I hope you can speak to women's aid soon. Remember they have the online chat til 4pm if he's ever out at work.

Your brain is doing a normal thing.

I remember the day I "woke up" and I had this moment of realisation and it suddenly flooded me. Idk if that makes sense.

I’ve had them in between my thighs too, only noticed them when they’ve itched.

im going to try and be strong and think of the lovely things and my children, and the kind people on here that prove that there is good in the world. I will keep trying.

❤️ I've had some amazing chats with the Samaritans too on times when it gets too much op. They aren't DV specific but they are so kind and they just kind of held space for me when I had no one else.

Thank you for supporting me last night. It means a lot, I know sometimes PP’s must want to shake me out of frustration, I’m not always easy and I know there’s so many layers. Thank you still for sticking around and listening, reminding me of my strength even when I’m pouring and repeating myself. I hope the weekend is kind and lovely for everyone.

Its not frustration with you op, from other pp.

Its frustration with a system that does ok in some ways and still massively lets us all down by in action more than anything

You take the time you need to get the steps you need.

On average it takes 6 times to leave an abuser. For me it was 7 or more and it's still complicated.

Keep going x

It’s ok, you are doing what you need to survive in the existing conditions. Better that then bruises.
can I ask, have bruises occurred with he’s force himself on you?

thank you @Thiswasanescapeplan. I hate that it’s so hard, and you’re still facing challenges.

@goodThingGonewrong Tbh I’m not sure. It’s. It not often I have them, probably 2/3 times in the last 2 years on my arms and a bit more often on my legs. I don’t know how they’ve got there as he doesn’t force himself on me and I don’t recall him doing anything that would bruise me. Maybe I’ve been dissociative and fell possibly xx

he took us out for a lovely meal early evening, it was lovely. He’s gone out now to the pub with his friend.

You know ideally you need to get them checked out op, but I know you might not have that freedom.

Stay as safe as you can x

I know you don't want to think about it, but the bruises would match up with him drugging you at night.

I do a martial art which makes me bruise often. It's never inside my thighs.

Are you still using the cloud Bright Sky app? Try to send photos of bruises, even if you don't feel able to describe what happened.

Luckily I’m not bruised at the minute, the last time was probably a month or so ago. He never mentions them when he sees them.
i havent had any sleep tea for a few days and i haven’t really slept well, I’m worried you’re right @Agapornis but I don’t remember him doing anything that could make me bruise. The stuff I remember in the night where it’s woke me even if I’m still sleepy, he’s from behind.

I have got the app still. I install it when I need to add something. I haven’t logged anything recently because they go to my friend and I don’t want to bother her. Plus nothing big has happened. Any future bruises though I will log.

Sorry to ask and I know we don’t know the answer, but if he bruised my arms. They’re normally upper arms, but sometimes lower too, would that be if he’s wanted to move me? I’m wondering if I’ve got on his side of the bed as I got to bed before him so maybe he’s moved me and if I’ve had a sleeping tablet I haven’t maybe felt it?

I can’t explain the inner thigh bruises though, even when we’ve had sex it hasn’t made a bruise. He is a very heavy guy.

Hope it’s okay me writing this to jog my memory. When DD reached the age when they open cupboards, we had child catches put in the cupboard and on the fridge it was one that needed a key. Sometimes he would lock it and I couldn’t find the key, so if he’d been for a walk in the day I couldn’t get in the fridge. He’d come home and I’d tell him the key wasn’t where it’s normally kept. He’d look and tell me it was there all the time but I’m sure it wasn’t. Could this be something on purpose? He doesn’t do that now. I hate using this word but he gets a bit lazy, so he’ll do things like this but not always which I think is because it takes effort. He normally does something else though instead.
I’ve had clothes that I like disappear. I had a lovely warm jumper dress that I loved and I told him that, and once he was putting the washing away and I know the dress was in it but it wasn’t in my wardrobe. I can’t remember now if he’d said he’d put it away, actually no he said he hadn’t seen it. I knew it was in the clean basket because I put it there.

ive had make up disappear, books I’ve been reading, but then reappear in the same spot I’ve left them. This happened a lot last year. I thought I was going mad 😢 He took me to the doctors, told them he thought I was going through peri menopause and that I’m really difficult to live with. That hurt me because I cry a lot but I didn’t know what he meant. He said “you just don’t see it” but he never told me what I did that made me difficult to live with. I know I’m not easy because I won’t answer the front door etc out of fear and I space out, but he made me sound awful. Since then he’s come to every appointment with me because he says I can’t be trusted to take in what I’m told which is probably true. I can get overloaded. GP wouldn’t go into much with him there but said that she thought I might be depressed and gave me medication.

This is my version of that: he used to get at me for upping the thermostat. He wouldn't let me get a hoodie or slippers and I was cold but anyway..I swear I didn't touch it.

When he was no longer in the home - the thermostat never moved again and my energy bill went to like nothing.

I told that to the group I was attending for DV and they just nodded sagely like "oh yeah, they do that kind of thing"

Mine would either come with me to appointments or ask what I spoke about or coach me what to say. I was so drilled by him in the end I knew exactly what I was supposed to say without him having to script me first