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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

599 replies

Becksta1 · 27/04/2026 18:44

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
LizzieW1969 · 27/05/2026 09:45

Becksta1 · 26/05/2026 23:12

@Thiswasanescapeplan I learned about dissociation when I went for therapy a few years ago. If I’m really scared I’m not even in body or aware, I go to a completely different place. From what my counsellor said it’s from when I was very little and explains why I have virtually no memories of before age 11 ish. Probably for good reason. Now it’s mainly just a complete numbness, I can’t feel my body, I separate and detach completely. I can’t always feel what he’s doing.

im sorry to hear you’re not free. I think it’s so hard because you can’t just have a clean break, it’s something I’m aware of. I am sorry, to still be feeling trapped. I know it doesn’t mean much and it doesn’t help but you’re very brave, really. I mean that. I am sorry for what is happening to you too.

Thanks @goodThingGonewrong and @NZDreaming i knew what you meant, I’m the queen of typos! I know, I’m trying to get my head and heart to sync up. I feel like it should be easier. I know I’m trying to rationalise it all still. And me thinking if I just liked it it would be easier and less painful emotionally, I know it still doesn’t make it less wrong although he would say otherwise but I know he’s wrong. I wish they’re was a switch. I know he’s abusing me, I’ve told him he makes me feel like a scared little girl again when it happens, and he’s still done it. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him, it’s never been like that with us. I’ve just been here. The things he does that make me feel special are things like making my dinner. He doesn’t do much at all even during the better times to make me feel special. I mean he probably does, but im forgetting. I’m just here. There’s always been other women, that he enjoys going out with and sexting. He gives them the lovely side I think.

I'm so sorry, @Becksta1. It does sound as if your counsellor could be right and that your dissociation possibly goes back to your early childhood.

It sounds similar to my experience. My memories were completely repressed for years (apart from disturbing images in my head which I couldn't place), though in my case they did come back when I was in a safe place to process them. So you may find that at some point in your life you do remember.

I used to dissociate as well, though obviously as a small child I didn't understand this. I used to repeat a mantra to myself ‘this is a nightmare, I'm going to wake up soon.’ I obviously ended up successfully convincing myself that this was the case.

Lilactimes · 27/05/2026 16:53

Becksta1 · 13/05/2026 11:32

I’m struggling today and full of self blame and shame and I can’t even share why 😢

Hi @Becksta1 - im sorry i have just seen your post. You have nothing to blame yourself for. You have been ground down and your self belief has crumbled.
i hope you can regain some strength soon as youve been amazing x

Becksta1 · 27/05/2026 22:21

Thanks everyone. I took my kids out for a walk and we had a picnic, ice cream and a play on the park. I’m just feeling so very low.

OP posts:
goodThingGonewrong · 27/05/2026 22:30

Whatever has happened over the weekend has really knocked the wind out of your sails. I am glad you got out with the children. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? Even if it’s off topic. Xx

Becksta1 · 27/05/2026 22:34

goodThingGonewrong · 27/05/2026 22:30

Whatever has happened over the weekend has really knocked the wind out of your sails. I am glad you got out with the children. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? Even if it’s off topic. Xx

I think I just want to hide. Somewhere cosy. I keep getting pains in my chest and my tummy hurts. I need to release this pain. I’m holding it all together for the kids in the day, then falling apart when they’re in bed. I don’t want to have sex with anyone ever again. I don’t even want anyone near me.

Has anyone got any nice holidays booked? I’m taking DD to CBeebies hotel for a night in June. I’m so excited for us.

OP posts:
Becksta1 · 27/05/2026 22:39

I know I won’t be here next year. Hubby is mentioning booking next years holidays and I haven’t even encouraged him to book any. I just don’t feel I’ll be here with him. I don’t feel in my heart that I can think of many more months with him.

OP posts:
Thiswasanescapeplan · 27/05/2026 22:42

I'm so sorry op xx

goodThingGonewrong · 27/05/2026 22:42

After a while being in an abusive relationship really takes its toll on the body as well as the mind. Can you try go to gp next week with your symptoms and perhaps mention the cause. If you can’t say it, many we can draft a note for you to hand to the doctor?

I am so glad you have a night away with dd. I loved theme parks when my dc were little, we would go to Legoland a great deal as I got passes.

Planning to go away with both my daughters but nothing booked, need to see how I recover from op. We want to go to one of the Greek islands.

goodThingGonewrong · 27/05/2026 22:43

Becksta1 · 27/05/2026 22:39

I know I won’t be here next year. Hubby is mentioning booking next years holidays and I haven’t even encouraged him to book any. I just don’t feel I’ll be here with him. I don’t feel in my heart that I can think of many more months with him.

This is a positive thing. It may feel shit right now but once you are away from him it will feel like a permanent holiday x

Thiswasanescapeplan · 27/05/2026 22:44

If it's at all useful, lots of places like banks and chemists have safe spaces x

Thiswasanescapeplan · 27/05/2026 22:53

Becksta1 · 27/05/2026 22:39

I know I won’t be here next year. Hubby is mentioning booking next years holidays and I haven’t even encouraged him to book any. I just don’t feel I’ll be here with him. I don’t feel in my heart that I can think of many more months with him.

Can you future fake him a bit op?

Just play along and agree in your usual way to booking another holiday, or yellow rock* while you decide on your next steps?

*Yellow rock is not exactly grey rock but you say something like, "I'll check the school term times/ the DC wanted a kids club" something very, very neutral

Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 04:24

I’m having a bath, I don’t feel clean. I’ve had some sleep but had nightmares of my d*d. Hoping the water soothes me a bit.

I hope you recover enough to go to the Greek islands @goodThingGonewrong I love Greece. We’re going to Corfu in August, my kids are very excited. It’ll be nice for me and DD to go to CBeebies hotel. I took DC when he was little so wanted to have that experience with DC too and make the most of being able to do things like this before she starts school in September.

Thanks @Thiswasanescapeplan. Everything will be okay. I feel deceptive doing that but I know I’ll have to. I really feel like a need some respite, like some time away but that’s not really possible and then I’d get scared without him. It’s odd that when he works away which isn’t often, I do miss him and in a messed up way feel safer when he’s here 😢

Thanks @Lilactimes. I think I’m just so tired. I do hope you are doing okay.

My tears are trying to come now. It’s like I get this feeling like I might that moves from my heart to my face and then gets stuck so they don’t come out.

Im sorry @LizzieW1969 that you’ve suffered too. Our bodies do what they have to do to survive. I get snippets of stuff from early. My mum was also quite open about the stuff she did to me and her feelings from me being a baby so there’s an awareness there. I remember much more from the times when I was high school age, which confirms all the abuse from much earlier. It’s horrible. Being made to eat certain things, there’s so much it’s horrible. I won’t go into it. I still struggle with some of the physical injuries to my back.

Sadly I was in a MH hospital at 15 for anorexia and I started to disclose some of the abuse, not the SA abuse, I started with the other stuff that was easier to talk about, I don’t know if I was unconsciously seeing if I would be believed by disclosing the lighter stuff. I think being in hospital for a few months gave me some space to work out what was going on. They used to sometimes find me lay on the floor in the room I was in, I didn’t have the words or awareness to say what was going on, but I would just lose feeling of my body and couldn’t stand up. I was dissociating. I still can’t feel how I felt back then. I don’t know for sure, and part of me tries to protect myself by telling myself that they maybe did believe me, but couldn’t prove it. My sisters backed them up, they were only 14 and 16 at the time so I understand, and they had a very different relationship. I think deep down I wasn’t believed. Nobody told me. I only suspected I wasn’t when they said I was going home that weekend (we used to leave the inpatient unit every weekend and go home) As part of my eating disorder therapy we had family therapy whilst I was in hospital. So every week my family would sit there and lay into me under the guise of therapy. I still remember that now. Whatever had happened, had sent a message that I wasn’t believed and it did make things worse when I returned home and was discharged. SA too.

I know I’ll get flooded more so when my nervous system has space to settle. I am worried about this. I don’t want to keep being destroyed.

I hope I’m making sense. It’s so complicated.

OP posts:
Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 04:28

I know PP’s have said not to be sorry for what I share and I do try to keep things light. I hope everyone is sleeping well 🙏

OP posts:
Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 05:50

Im wondering what to do about a phone. It hasn’t been mentioned by my friend and my window to make a call is next Wednesday as he is overseas for the night. This won’t happen again for a while. I see her on Monday for a treatment but it will be too late to sort for Wednesday 😢 Shall I take a risk and order one online using my bank account and click and collect it? And is it best getting one that lets me email? Or shall I risk giving out my current email when I ring so I can be contacted that way. I’m so stuck. There is a face to face drop in but I’d need to be covert and for my friend to take me because of the car and phone tracker and I’d have to leave this phone somewhere that wouldn’t be suspicious. It’s only once a month and Junes is on the kids sports day.

Also sorry for all the questions, but does anyone know if it has to be my local service I contact? Just incase I can’t get through. I’m so sorry, the thought of it makes me so overwhelmed. I’m probably making this tons harder then it needs to be. I know a couple of PP have said I’m not being monitored so shall I trust it’s not the case and maybe be less cautious? It does mean then that I can be more open with my friend about the things I might need to do. It’s so isolating, its a living nightmare.

im being such a pain and i dont want to put on my friend or chase her up 😢

OP posts:
goodThingGonewrong · 28/05/2026 06:30

regarding the phone, could you not just call from your phone and wipe the call log or just that call from your call history. I am worried getting a spare phone is becoming something that is an obstacle. Unless your husband receives an itemised phone bill. I want to check if calls to women’s aid come up ( let me check later). Or use her phone xxx

Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 06:35

goodThingGonewrong · 28/05/2026 06:30

regarding the phone, could you not just call from your phone and wipe the call log or just that call from your call history. I am worried getting a spare phone is becoming something that is an obstacle. Unless your husband receives an itemised phone bill. I want to check if calls to women’s aid come up ( let me check later). Or use her phone xxx

I know what you mean. I know the ones to the main women’s aid line don’t show but I’m not sure if that’s the case for the local services.

OP posts:
Thiswasanescapeplan · 28/05/2026 07:42

Does he monitor what you buy at the supermarket? One way to get a little physical cash is every time you do a shop ask for cashback.

Alternatively you can try getting a phone at the supermarket at it won't show if you just get a phone and a SIM and payg.

I'd be hesitant about calling from your current phone - I did and he knew what I was doing

Thiswasanescapeplan · 28/05/2026 08:02

Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 05:50

Im wondering what to do about a phone. It hasn’t been mentioned by my friend and my window to make a call is next Wednesday as he is overseas for the night. This won’t happen again for a while. I see her on Monday for a treatment but it will be too late to sort for Wednesday 😢 Shall I take a risk and order one online using my bank account and click and collect it? And is it best getting one that lets me email? Or shall I risk giving out my current email when I ring so I can be contacted that way. I’m so stuck. There is a face to face drop in but I’d need to be covert and for my friend to take me because of the car and phone tracker and I’d have to leave this phone somewhere that wouldn’t be suspicious. It’s only once a month and Junes is on the kids sports day.

Also sorry for all the questions, but does anyone know if it has to be my local service I contact? Just incase I can’t get through. I’m so sorry, the thought of it makes me so overwhelmed. I’m probably making this tons harder then it needs to be. I know a couple of PP have said I’m not being monitored so shall I trust it’s not the case and maybe be less cautious? It does mean then that I can be more open with my friend about the things I might need to do. It’s so isolating, its a living nightmare.

im being such a pain and i dont want to put on my friend or chase her up 😢

Edited

No it doesn't have to be your local.one op. You might find it useful to call both.local and the DA helpline though. They did slightly different things for me.

The DA helpline also has a web chat til 4 but take care of your phone is not safe

Thiswasanescapeplan · 28/05/2026 08:05

Also just get a dumb phone for £20 and try email at the library of he lets you go there.

You can get a smart phone later. If you do get a refuge place they do help you often get a phone with data, it's called the national data bank, O2 can help you.

I know it's weird and hard asking for help, and it's a time when risk to you increases.

Do what you can, when you can. Just on a nursery run but I'll be back xx

Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 08:55

I’m so scared

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 28/05/2026 09:00

@Becksta1 take a deep breath, focus on your surroundings. Feeling scared is completely understandable. You are so strong, you have been through so much, you can do this.

ToYouFromMe · 28/05/2026 09:20

I really feel for you.You ve been through sooo much ; you have such strength and resilience.
Look what you ve come through thus far.
There are such amazing peeps on here who can advise and let you know whats best and how to navigate this.Sending strength and love ❤️

Thiswasanescapeplan · 28/05/2026 10:51

Becksta1 · 28/05/2026 08:55

I’m so scared

You know at any time you can call 999 press 55 and cough and they'll know you're on the line and can't speak

goodThingGonewrong · 28/05/2026 20:59

@Becksta1 you went through so much as a teen before you met your husband :( I feel you were vulnerable and maybe saw your H as an escape from an abusive household. It sounds like you were targeted for all the abuse, I am sure you must question why it was you? I’m sorry no one supported you. You’ve had very bad experiences and it seems that old bad memories were triggered last night. I think after you leave that hypnotherapy maybe good after getting a lot of therapy.
You have much support and respect here and we are all confident you will leave and finally be safe x