I’m having a bath, I don’t feel clean. I’ve had some sleep but had nightmares of my d*d. Hoping the water soothes me a bit.
I hope you recover enough to go to the Greek islands @goodThingGonewrong I love Greece. We’re going to Corfu in August, my kids are very excited. It’ll be nice for me and DD to go to CBeebies hotel. I took DC when he was little so wanted to have that experience with DC too and make the most of being able to do things like this before she starts school in September.
Thanks @Thiswasanescapeplan. Everything will be okay. I feel deceptive doing that but I know I’ll have to. I really feel like a need some respite, like some time away but that’s not really possible and then I’d get scared without him. It’s odd that when he works away which isn’t often, I do miss him and in a messed up way feel safer when he’s here 😢
Thanks @Lilactimes. I think I’m just so tired. I do hope you are doing okay.
My tears are trying to come now. It’s like I get this feeling like I might that moves from my heart to my face and then gets stuck so they don’t come out.
Im sorry @LizzieW1969 that you’ve suffered too. Our bodies do what they have to do to survive. I get snippets of stuff from early. My mum was also quite open about the stuff she did to me and her feelings from me being a baby so there’s an awareness there. I remember much more from the times when I was high school age, which confirms all the abuse from much earlier. It’s horrible. Being made to eat certain things, there’s so much it’s horrible. I won’t go into it. I still struggle with some of the physical injuries to my back.
Sadly I was in a MH hospital at 15 for anorexia and I started to disclose some of the abuse, not the SA abuse, I started with the other stuff that was easier to talk about, I don’t know if I was unconsciously seeing if I would be believed by disclosing the lighter stuff. I think being in hospital for a few months gave me some space to work out what was going on. They used to sometimes find me lay on the floor in the room I was in, I didn’t have the words or awareness to say what was going on, but I would just lose feeling of my body and couldn’t stand up. I was dissociating. I still can’t feel how I felt back then. I don’t know for sure, and part of me tries to protect myself by telling myself that they maybe did believe me, but couldn’t prove it. My sisters backed them up, they were only 14 and 16 at the time so I understand, and they had a very different relationship. I think deep down I wasn’t believed. Nobody told me. I only suspected I wasn’t when they said I was going home that weekend (we used to leave the inpatient unit every weekend and go home) As part of my eating disorder therapy we had family therapy whilst I was in hospital. So every week my family would sit there and lay into me under the guise of therapy. I still remember that now. Whatever had happened, had sent a message that I wasn’t believed and it did make things worse when I returned home and was discharged. SA too.
I know I’ll get flooded more so when my nervous system has space to settle. I am worried about this. I don’t want to keep being destroyed.
I hope I’m making sense. It’s so complicated.