Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I get why you feel frustrated with the friend in the op ...leaving isn't often linear though and other people's priorities are their own lives, not necessarily helping victim-survivors. Which is totally understandable everyone has their own lives, it's hard people mean well but it's a lonely journey

I didn’t see my friend at the carnival today, as I’m not too well.

How are you doing @Becksta1?

Are you ok? You sound quite sad :(

I’m sorry, I’m just trying to manage something. I am okay. Thank you for checking xx

I hope you're feeling better @Becksta1, thinking of you and sending you lots of positive energy.

Thinking of you and sending you strength.
Bank holidays are exceptionally hard and isolating when in an abusive relationship. I hope you are ok x

Thank you all for being so kind. I’m just a bit numb, then weepy but I am being strong. I hope you’ve all had a lovely BH weekend xx

@goodThingGonewrong you’re right, it is very lonely. It’s like being in a world that you just don’t feel part of.

Hi
Been following and sending you support.
I hope you have a better day today X

Just taking a minute to post. My DD is poorly, nothing serious but it means we’ve stayed home today and not saw my friend. I’ve felt quiet inwards anyway, and have not really wanted to see anyone. I do miss her though.

He hurt me, not badly, but it happened. It wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. Like last October, it happened just before half term so it left me in a wobbly place. It happened in the middle of the night on Saturday so I didn’t feel well enough to see my friend on Sunday at carnival. It’s half term now. I’m doing my best. Going to see how my kids are feeling and hoping to take them to the woods if my youngest is better. Doing my best, I am doing my best. I wonder if he gets sexually frustrated in the holidays because he can’t do what he normally does in the day whilst kids are home. He needs to get it out of his system. I don’t know, I don’t know. He was kind today. Made me a nice dinner, was nourishing too. I’m thankful for that and I did eat it. Tells me he loves me, that I’m so beautiful. Says things about my private parts. He’s gone out for an hour so I’m watching a film with my eldest, I won’t break.

Edited to say I’m sorry.

I'm so sorry he hurt you again. Are the half terms usually a trigger for him? He is grim. Well done on keeping it together.

Fwiw another poster who was in a similar situation is a bit further along in freeing herself from him. Maybe have a read to think about all the things you'd be able to do again. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5517759-police-action-after-101-call-has-left-us-separated-and-struggling-financially?reply=152539895 (it's an upbeat post)

I’m very sorry he did this to you. Most normal men do not talk about their partners private parts in an unsolicited way. He probably sees how unsettled it makes you :(
I get you must feel confused as he’s hurt you and now he’s being nice so you will forget about it. Abusers abuse about 20% if the time but when they do it’s menacing, intimidating and frightening, they violate and act without consent. It’s a normal pattern @Becksta1 but remember abuse is abuse. I am glad you are well tonight though as your dd being ill with deplete you x

@Becksta1 you don’t need to apologise to us. We are on your side, whatever that looks like, you’ve done nothing wrong.

Worried about you op

Like mine he'd be very caring after abuse ...it's just another part of the abuse

And I was told (I won't say by who) that a sexually frustrated man gets angry.

It's not actually true. I read an excellent book, which I don't recommend to you rn but it explained the process so much better to me. It's just control control control.

The silly thing is, it’s not even that bad, it really isn’t. I’m sensitive. I just wish I liked it, and wanted it. I so wish. I don’t feel like I even know my body, or feel like women are supposed to feel like. I’m scared of men in general. I’m going on again.

I don’t know if it’s a trigger @Agapornis as it can happen anytime, I just think it maybe bothers me more or I’m more aware because I have to 100% be there for my kids when I just want to sit and dissociate. At least when the kids are at nursery or school I can fall apart or stare into space without anyone needing me. I love my kids so much. I’m determined to go to the woods with a picnic tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing that post, I will have a look.

I don’t even know what’s normal @goodThingGonewrong and I don’t know if he does either. But I think maybe he must know. I was thinking maybe about asking him to go on an abuser programme but I know he won’t see himself as an abuser.

thanks @NZDreaming you know, I don’t know what I’d do without this thread. I’m a pain in the bum and I’m always cross with myself, but in a weird way it feels less lonely.

Don't ask him that op.

It will make you more vulnerable.

Do not show him your hand, metaphorically.

Please don’t worry. I’ve been surrounded by these sort of people forever so I’m good at surviving. I do get upset and numb but I do always find ways to keep going.

How are you doing? Xx

I don’t think it’s a you problem if he’s doing something to you with enthusiastic consent. He just feel your body go tense. There are verbal and non verbal signals if something is ok or not ok. Please don’t blame yourself. He knows exactly what he’s doing as he’s taking advantage of your past.

Oh I cannot imagine the horrors of your past and present - every man frightening you is a response to past trauma and abuse. I hope when you get out of there that you can access some therapy. For now I don’t think it would help as you are living with him and in the thick of it. Like a pp said, do not ask God to join an abusers programme. I fear he will talk up your isolation,

I am glad you get some comfort out of this thread. Never apologise for posting or for how you think and feel. I think you have a lovely bunch of really supportive women here . Hopefully between us one of us will always be around to keep you company and talk to you, big hugs xx

I was dissociating too..funny the brain/mind knows how to keep you as safe as it can.

It's just such shit isn't it. Like there's no words.

I'm out of the marital home but I'm not free, I'm not really out of it, I don't think I will be possibly ever

I'm so sorry op

I hope the other posters are keeping you going

Xx

@Becksta1 this makes me so sad to read. It is that bad, you are not too sensitive and you shouldn’t have to convince yourself that this is what you want.

I know you are probably just trying to protect your peace and avoiding the reality of the situation is a necessary self preservation but I need you to understand that what he is doing is most definitely not ok. There is no excuse, reason, circumstance or mitigation that makes his actions acceptable. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he knows you don’t want him to do it but he does it anyway. He’s being ‘kind’ today as he’s repeating the cycle, he has to be nice some of the time to keep you off balance, unsure of what or how you feel. It puts doubt in your mind, causing you to think he can’t be ‘that bad’ and second guessing everything. That way he keeps you close, every day pushing a little bit further, eroding your boundaries and any self confidence. Making you feel so uncertain and that you must need him because he’s so ‘together’ and in control.

I know you are seeing these patterns, I can tell from how you write that being honest with yourself about his abuse is extremely painful and difficult for you to confront. That’s why it’s easier, safe and more comfortable to doubt yourself and what you know to be true, it feels easier somehow. No one is judging you for that, you don’t need to justify your thoughts or actions to us. I’m just reminding you that deep down, you know the truth. Hopefully you’ll get to a point of being able to see him and what he does for what it really is, when that comes these threads will hopefully help you make sense of what happened and how far you’ve come.

Sorry for my appalling typo’s upthread. I meant “without enthusiastic consent”.

@Thiswasanescapeplan I learned about dissociation when I went for therapy a few years ago. If I’m really scared I’m not even in body or aware, I go to a completely different place. From what my counsellor said it’s from when I was very little and explains why I have virtually no memories of before age 11 ish. Probably for good reason. Now it’s mainly just a complete numbness, I can’t feel my body, I separate and detach completely. I can’t always feel what he’s doing.

im sorry to hear you’re not free. I think it’s so hard because you can’t just have a clean break, it’s something I’m aware of. I am sorry, to still be feeling trapped. I know it doesn’t mean much and it doesn’t help but you’re very brave, really. I mean that. I am sorry for what is happening to you too.

Thanks @goodThingGonewrong and @NZDreaming i knew what you meant, I’m the queen of typos! I know, I’m trying to get my head and heart to sync up. I feel like it should be easier. I know I’m trying to rationalise it all still. And me thinking if I just liked it it would be easier and less painful emotionally, I know it still doesn’t make it less wrong although he would say otherwise but I know he’s wrong. I wish they’re was a switch. I know he’s abusing me, I’ve told him he makes me feel like a scared little girl again when it happens, and he’s still done it. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him, it’s never been like that with us. I’ve just been here. The things he does that make me feel special are things like making my dinner. He doesn’t do much at all even during the better times to make me feel special. I mean he probably does, but im forgetting. I’m just here. There’s always been other women, that he enjoys going out with and sexting. He gives them the lovely side I think.

Yeah he probably will be like that around anyone else op , mine is so persuasive and charming he's honestly the world's best actor.

It's all part of their actions isn't it

I'm definitely not brave but thank you. I honestly thought and believed he'd let me go- I was wrong, I'm not brave I think I just struggle to imagine that anyone can be so cold blooded even when I have seen it with my own eyes, and lived it.

That's why you can't tell your H op that you know he's a perpetrator - it won't help....

They don't want to change, life is lined up for them as they want it...in their eyes there's no benefit to them of being a better dad or husband

I sometimes get to a.support group and that helps.

Please post safely on here

I'm not trying to scare you, please just stay safe, I don't think I should tell you about my specific experience bc I don't know that it would help you and I want to be mindful of your situation

X