Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

She has said she is looking for me.

It can be done in about 15 mins fgs. This friend is yet another one failing you

set you set up another email account. On your phone. He allows you total free access on your phone without monitoring it would seem - leverage that

Why can’t you text? Are you not on your phone now?

I knew it wouldn’t take long 😞

Do you not think she’s my friend?

atm you have unmonitored use of your phone and a lot of time during this weekend alone separate from him… use the time to set up another email. Give to friend. Friend gets phone. Done

I think that she’s being utterly utterly passive.

my god this would be my top priority on her shoes but instead she’s been “looking into” a contract phone for weeks.

you can text her on the same device you update this thread from as it’s not monitored.

although is there another friend who seems just a little bit more concerned about you.

in her shoes I’d be all over this

I have to go now. But I’m worried that these “friends” are all so… passive. No urgency. No wanting to get things moving. When some things are so straightforward

I’ve just been thinking about what you said @Hassell Maybe you’re right. I sent her a log to the email on the app I mentioned a few posts ago asking if she wanted to go to a drop in with me in June for the local DA service when hubby is away overnight in June if the dates work out and they have drop ins on that day. I can’t take my car, because it’s tracked, and I can’t take my phone, because it’s tracked. I asked if she wanted to come. My plan would be to leave the phone at her workplace (where I go and it’s normal for me to go for the odd treatment) so it looks like I’m there and the car will show in that area too, so it won’t look suspicious. He’ll try and ring me but signal is poor so I can blame that. My friend could then drive me around 30 mins away to where I need to go. She hasn’t said any thing and didn’t when I last saw her. Maybe she hasn’t read the email that was sent though the app, maybe she’s forgotten which is what I was thinking as she has a lot on. Or maybe, I don’t want to think this because in my heart I believe she loves me, she actually just doesn’t care. If that’s the case I really don’t have anyone.

Ive been reading though your threads and I saw a while back you decided it was time to leave, have you been able to reach out to womens aid so they can help you? It seems you realise you need to go so getting advice asap seems the way to go. Can you reach out to them when you see your friend next?

OP and her friend are doing the best they can but you're here being a know it all. Honestly, give it a rest, you've been the same on every single thread I've seen you on.

@Becksta1 try not to doubt your friend. If you think she's helping you then that's all you need to know. Don't let anyone put doubt in your mind. Big hugs to you my darling ❤️

I think she sounds like a really good friend @Becksta1. I suspect she's taking her lead from you in terms of the urgency of procuring the phone.

I know it's easy for people behind a screen to appear frustrated with you, but please don't take it to heart. None of us are in your shoes, none of us know your husband, or how he might react, and you do.

I've said it before but it bears repeating: I have no doubt you'll get where you need to be, both physically and mentally.

You will get there.

@Becksta1 do not doubt your best friend. Just ask her when you see her when you get a chance. I hope you are ok. Your husband’s “funny” mood sounds like something is brewing :(

Thank you. I find posts like that triggering. I know it wasn’t the poster’s intention but it makes me feel like they do, those in my life that have been unkind. It started with the poster asking about my plans for the weekend, if felt kind, and after that I felt a bit slammed. He can do things like that. It’s nobody’s fault, they wouldn’t know that. I’m just hyper vigilant even on here. I just don’t want to have to defend myself on here. I know I shouldn’t engage, but it just messes with my head. Like should I just WhatsApp my friend openly about what we’ve been talking about even though we’ve both been told to be careful? He does take my phone, he’s had it twice today not to check messages but i know that he could. I had to drive us all to the garden centre today and he said he had to google something and he picked up my phone and not his even though he had his to do whatever he did so I am mindful. Im careful to check that I’m never on MN on wifi an I’m in incognito and I always sign out and don’t get notifications. It’s safer to communicate on here than to WhatsApp my friend. I’m trying not to worry.

i know it was mentioned about me having a lot of time this weekend separate from him and that’s just not true. He’s been out twice today, but I always have my 4 year old with me. If I get to go to the carnival tomorrow I’ll have my 4 year old with me and we won’t be there long because he’ll drop off and collect us. I won’t even be able to have a chat with my friend once she’s finished dancing. I have time on Tuesday if I see my friend but we’ll have the kids so we can’t do much really. I know it’s hard to explain. I am doing my best. I know it’s slow, but I’m scared. Very scared.

i plan to speak to my local DA service in June. If my friend can help we’ll go face to face, if not I’ll ring them. They’re not quick calls and there can be a wait, but I will have all day so hopefully I can get though. I have no idea what to say when I do. I felt strong and capable earlier, now I feel weak again. I wanted to hurt myself, I haven’t, but I wanted to. I was worried my friend might not care after all, and she’s someone I know I need. I’m grounded now so I don’t want to hurt myself and I don’t doubt her love. She knows me so well and it’s taken her a while to move from wanting to fix, to realising that all I need is for her to be there.

How do you know she has alot of time away from her controlling and suffocating husband? Also I’m missing another adjective - controlling.
@Hassell do you think your comments are helpful?

Don’t worry I am doing okay. He’s not someone that would lash out or anything like that. I just needed to ground. I’ve mostly had a good day and have felt positive overall. I just let myself spiral this evening. That’s my fault. My mum is having her bloods done again soon and a scan to see if her cancer is growing so that’s been on my mind.

I’m having a cup of tea and will try and relax for sleep soon.

@Becksta1 something very important from your earlier post before your thread got hijacked. The termination. It happened to me too with my ex h after I had dd2. I consented only under pressure, he was rough, he wore a condom but it must have split and he failed to tell me. It was the most devastating thing I did but I didn’t want to lose my job and never escape my ex. I never told him too. We do what we need to survive :( it’s left a big hole in my heart though, their birthday would have been in Feb so that month is always tough for me, wondering what they would have been like and being angry with myself for not keeping them :( there is no shame in surviving x

I am so sorry that happened to you. It’s horrendously painful to make that decision, and under those circumstances. I’m sorry it was a secret for you too, although I understand why. You did what was right for you and it’s okay to grieve that and still wonder. Nobody understands the mental turmoil when this happens. It’s never an easy decision. I hear you though, with the questioning but you did what was right for you. It’s just an awful situation to be in. The circumstances never help either. I’m sorry again that this happened, and for the heaviness.

I don’t think I’ve even began to process it really. I’ve actually had two. The first one was still with hubby but I was only 18. I’d got a tummy bug annd didn’t realise it could affect the pill and I knew he’d be cross so I never told him. The second one in 2022, I was on the pill but having a young baby and a 6 year old who was struggling to adjust, I would forget so that was my fault. I told hubby about me missing a couple and when he wanted to have sex he told me he would pull out and on that occasion he didn’t. It’s bizarre as he really doesn’t want more kids, it took him a while to decide on us having a second and that happened around Covid when he knew he’d be staying home permanently. He won’t wear condoms, whenever he did he would moan about it so I just took contraception. I wish he would as I find all that triggering, still even now. I was normally very good and in a routine with it but with everything else I lapsed.

She hasn’t said any thing and didn’t when I last saw her.

she has ignored the email the Op sent trying desperately to progress a second phone. Totally ignored the email. Weeks passed. Nothing achieved.

I think the friends are utterly passive.

and the OP’s BH weekend for example…. Out at carnival without him.
Meeting a friend at the park without him.

OP I am willing you on and if you were my friend, this would be my top priority.

I don’t think you can do much in a bank holiday. She’s not child free, he ha a tracker on her and she’s scared. The friends mother passed away recently too so I’m sure she’s got her grief. If you read the op you would understand it is a case that the Becksta is not ready to leave yet but wants to leave. Really she only had one true friend and to be honest so do I on real life.

o really do t understand what you hope to achieve by saying the op’s friend isn’t a friend and is passive. They are working at a pace they can work to, I stand by my comment, you are not being helpful ( even if you mean well) .

Ok.
i see a friend that received an email from the op trying to progress a second phone but it was ignored and weeks later - the friend is still “looking in to it”.

this is a phone with a sim. I could sort the op with one this afternoon.

anyway - maybe this isn’t what the thread is for. So I’ll leave.

Op if you did get a place in safe accommodation they would help you with a phone and SIM.

Also just in case anyone isn't aware, the DA helplines can often have a 4 hour wait to get through, less so if you press the option for a place in safe accommodation but for general advice the waits can be long. I've had to hang up after waiting hours because he's come home

Unfortunately baby trapping (deliberately making someone pregnant by fiddling with contraception) is yet another way of abuse.