Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I hope everyone is going to have a lovely bank holiday. The weather is meant to be lovely, stay safe though. I love the sun but have to remind myself to drink water and put on suncream! I hope you’re feeling better @goodThingGonewrong and having a lovely time with DC

I know I’m not dealing with this well and I should be doing better 😢 I am sorry.

You are doing better than you give yourself credit for! I hope you are safe and enjoy yourself over the weekend with your babies. Thank you, I am on the mend finally x

@Becksta1 no one is expecting anything of you here. The only expectation is for you to share what you want, when you want, if you want to and for people to respond with support that you can chose to read or not.

Thats it, there is no judgement in how you process your feelings, no timeline for when things happen and definitely no expectations that you’ll just take on board everything that everyone is saying along with all the realisations, emotions and memories it brings up for you.

No one would expect you to be fine, just get on with things or have no reaction to the things you are now understanding about your relationship.

Be kind to yourself.

What do you wish you didn’t know? Did you wish you did not know his treatment if you is abuse? Sending you a virtual hug, it’s so over whelming and confusing, I think that’s what’s getting you. I do home you go to the beach and that all is ok, I used to get so tense when we were doing a car trip as my ex could flip and the whole day would be ruined because of his mood x

Thank you @NZDreaming. I’m a people pleaser, maybe because I don’t want to get things wrong and I just want people to be happy. It messed up. It’s probably a worry about people getting fed up with me. This is IRL too. My best friend, I’d rather not have her as a friend than upset her or cause her worry. But then there’s a conflict internally of worrying that people will get fed up with me or give up on me.

What you said is reassuring. It’s a process.

@goodThingGonewrong i think it was somehow easier to go back to the times when it was just niggles that something wasn’t right, ir even earlier when I didn’t see it as a wrong relationship, but one where I wasn’t respected. I’m sad at what he’s done, and I do know that in some way he does love and care about me. The irony is, I know I have fears of being abandoned, but he’ll never abandon me. It’s ridiculous really as I’ve spent most of my life emotionally alone and without a “safe” person. I’ve done and dealt with most things on my own. I struggle to ask for help, there’s trust issues too.

i know what you mean about days out. It does depend on his mood. He’s in a good one today. He’s not a very patient person so if the kids play up (just by being kids) he’ll sulk. We went away last summer and the kids were cheeky monkeys at times, but he’d always focus on the times they weren’t doing what was expected so wouldn’t enjoy the times when things were calm. I’d try to remind him to try and embrace the times when it’s going well, but then he’d give me the silent treatment most of that holiday.

Sounds like he's trying to control your kids too unfortunately. I hope you get to do something nice this weekend, even if it's just relaxing in the garden with your feet in the paddling pool.

Hi op I'm just rtft but this resonated. I tried to get help initially and was reminded by the other school mum I confided in that he was a good bloke otherwise

It was incredibly isolating and I am still not over it

Thanks @Agapornis I’m going to do things that bring me and the kids joy and respite when I can. I hope you are doing okay. You’ve really helped me.

@Thiswasanescapeplan It’s so hard and it’s no surprise that it’s so hard to recognise abuse when people react like this. I’m still thrown by it. I hope you are okay and safe now? Sending love.

Oh op I wish I had better words other than solidarity. It's a long hard road and I doubt I'll ever really be free unless he latches on to someone new (which I obv wouldn't wish on anyone!)

You sound like an amazing person xo

What do you and family have planned for the bank holiday weekend ☀️ @Becksta1 ?

It’s very telling how he acts with your children. Abusers always need to be the centre of attention and cannot cope if the dc are not quiet and well behaved. It’s like having a third child really however I imagine everyone is walking around in egg shells around him. It’s good you realise the impact on your children as a lot of posters say ohhh he’s a wonderful father. And kids pick up on the tension, none of this is your fault. I am glad you’ve get respite from him ( all 3 of you) and I hope you are all eventually free of him.

For now though, deep breaths, do something kind for your self if you can, even if it’s a cuppa and sitting in the garden to admire your beautiful roses 🌹 big hugs xx

Don’t give up hope and hopefully reading this thread can help you. When you are ready you should start a thread for support, I am sorry you are going through this. So many women are silently suffering. It breaks my heart x

@Thiswasanescapeplan solidarity goes a long way. I’ve said before, the world can seem so small. I’m not a fan of social media in lots of ways and there’s the good and the bad, but it does help in situations like this. People can probably tell that I’m not someone who regularly visits or even posts on MN. In fact I posted on a private cleaning group on FB about the food shop issue I was having, and so many people said to reach out on here and that’s how I started to talk, and gradually (hopefully) loosen some of the shackles. It’s given me connection and I hope that it gives you that too, even just “it’s not just me.” You don’t have to answer, but are you separated now? I know full well that it isn’t over when you leave especially if there’s children involved. I do hope you are okay. Sending big hugs. Always reach out when you’re ready. You’re not alone.

@Hassell I’m hoping to take my youngest to a local carnival tomorrow where my best friend is performing, but I’m not sure I can yet. It’ll be nicer for hubby if I take her out because then it’s just him and DC and he won’t have to do anything with him as he’s that bit older so it’ll be a breather for him. Beach Monday as a family and hopefully seeing my friend on Tuesday with both our kids for a play in a park. From then, I’m not sure as it’s school holidays here. Hubby wfh so it’s a pressure to keep kids happy whilst he has to work but I’ll do my best to keep everyone happy.
I hope you have something nice planned.

Thanks @goodThingGonewrong. load got worse since having DD in 2021. I didn’t realise it back then but the sexual stuff really intensified after I had her. I had to actually have an abortion (please don’t judge anyone) a few months after she was born. He doesn’t know, it’s a secret. It was a long story and not an easy one to talk about. I’m sorry if this offends or upsets anyone because I know it’s a sensitive topic with lots of opinions but it honestly, as traumatic as it was, was something I had to do.

we keep going don’t we. I look for the glimmers, and seeing people when I can.

How's things op hugs x

Sounds like a lovely relaxed weekend. Enjoy. Love a carnival especially if a bestie is one of the performers!

So really strangely today, hubby is in a funny mood. Was upbeat after a swim this AM with his friend, then took DC to cinema, was happy, and when we were out as a family to the garden centre he just went really funny. It’s funny because I always thought and in lots of ways still think, he’s a “good dad” but he has no patience. He shuts the kids down, mainly our eldest. He’s not a bad dad, nothing at all like mine who actually didn’t scare me physically, that was other ways he scared me. My mum instilled fear though. He’s not like that, and I think he does try. He just can’t maybe hold space for anyone else. It’s his terms. He’s hurt me before, in a really upsetting way and I’m probably repeating myself, as the kids broke up for had term last October. I was upset because I knew I wanted and had to be present and give the kids a lovely time off school, and he hurt me. My friend said he’s not good, he’s “fair” as a parent. Does what he has to do and to the outside world does everything and is perfect. I own that I’m not perfect. I struggle with crowds, parties, kids homework, and don’t know what I’m doing and I lay my faults out to everyone. I’ve kinda done this here by saying all that is wrong with me and all my mistakes. Maybe I’m expecting to be judged, hated, not good enough, pathetic. He’s the opposite. Is the vocal and charming one at the SEN meetings for DC, where I’m quiet.

So many people in your life seem to know what’s going on but no one is actually being of any real practical support or treating this with any kind of urgency. These friends you have that you have confided in that he’s abusive and yet crack on having a friendship with him.

Your benchmark for relationships is well and truly fucked because of your husband. He has made you think that “friends” behaving like this is ok. It isn’t

Either way he can be in a funny mood this weekend but aside from beach day… you’re out or he’s out so just focus on that

@Hassell most of my friends can’t be relied on I agree. But my best friend is amazing. We’re both limited in what we can do but she’s been out and bought me stuff for an emergency bag which she’s keeping at hers. She’s told me if I need to leave quickly she’s who I should go to. I’ve heard her cry when we’ve both turned our backs to each other when we’ve parted. She is worried. She knows she can’t fix it, and it’s safer for me if I’m kept in control. But I know she’ll be there. She couldn’t do anymore.

So if you realise your friends can’t be relied on… I would not regard them as friends.

Have you managed to get that second phone yet? I mean I can’t understand why your friend is having such difficulty securing on. Or is this one of the unreliable friends?

Your friend sounds so sweet and caring, I’m glad you have her. She and the kids can be your glimmer of hope and goodness x

@annoyedatlandlord shes the best. I’d be lost without her, she builds me up.

My friend wanted to get me a contract phone in her name and offered to pay for it @Hassell but I politely declined. I don’t want anyone to incur any expense on my part especially because I don’t know how long this process will take, and I don’t think the added pressure from me or her will help. She’s also raising a young family, mostly on her own as her husband works away half the week, is grieving the sudden loss of her mum and is buying a house.

I’m giving her £20 cash once a month when I see her so I have cash ready if needed.

Op just get a bog standard phone with a sim. So simple. Your friend can literally just get one tomorrow. Done

Do I need one with email? My friend think I do as another way to communicate with services. If my kids aren’t near to overhear on Tuesday I can ask. We don’t talk about this stuff on text you see, only when I see her face to face. I’ve just got to find a way to put money in my account to withdraw or purchase for her to collect and it will show up on bank account. My savings account is online so doesn’t have a bank card. Either way it will show a trail. I’ll try and google what phone I need and see if I can withdraw the cash. I might be overthinking it all and worrying too much, apologies.