Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I'm glad you felt able to come back to this thread @Becksta1.

The only person in your house who should feel ashamed is him.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

There is shame in being a criminal.

There is no shame in having a crime committed against you.

OP my abusive husband started touching me in the night against my knowledge the first time being when I had been prescribed a sleeping tablet.

It is so horrible the slow dawning of how bad things are. Sending support.

My heart goes out to you @Becksta1. I’ve just gone through all your posts on both threads and am sending you love and strength. You are so brave to share your story, and so strong to have survived everything you have been though. I really hope you are able to get away from this man who has been abusing you for so long and so glad you have a lovely friend who can help you.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your kind and supportive messages. It means so much more than I can say. The fact that people who don’t know me, care more than most of the people in my life speaks volumes. Virtual hugs accepted and returned.

i must say though, I don’t think he r*pe me, because I don’t think anything was intentional. I don’t think he knows or sets out to hurt me, and on that occasion he knew we wanted a baby.

DD was conceived that month it happened and is very wanted and loved.

I am so sorry. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story too. I hope you are well my love

I know, at least I think consent has been mentioned before and about it being enthusiastic. I don’t know what that means or how it would look as he’s used to as he’s said “shagging a corpse” so it would be normal to him. He wouldn’t know. I’ve offered my body before which might have been enthusiastic because I thought it might stop stuff in the night when I’m asleep. I know I haven’t helped this and have confused him greatly. He’s told me so and he’s right. I can’t blame my reactions to SA abuse on him

In law, rape is about consent, not about intention. Arguably in an abusive relationship the abused person isn't really able to consent to anything if they're always worried about the consequences.

Of course it's support you want here, it's not a court case, so the law doesn't really matter.

Edit - cross post, but yes you worrying about it instead happening at night when you're asleep is exactly the kind of consequences I mean.

In the context of that, I understand why you do not want to call it R. I think you do need to accept that he did not approach you in a respectful or gentle way. He has a tendency to pounce on you after a shower and that’s really not healthy for you to have a hyper vigilance when doing something you should feel safe doing. Of course you dd is wanted and loved, I am sure especially by you. It’s lovely having daughters though I would have loved a son too x

Consent is about each and every time. On Monday night I had a cold and dp and I went to bed. I thought we were exhausted however he stoked my thighs. I didn’t reciprocate as I felt tired and he noticed this and stopped, cuddled me and I feel asleep to him stroking my hair. No force, no being woken up to being touched , no strop in the morning or silent treatment. And that’s a very subtle example but he got it - if I was up for it I would hace done something back, just because you consented the time before does not mean he doesn’t need consent again. Consent can be verbal or it can be how you respond or don’t respond to the person initiating sex.

I didn’t realise this. I think it came from when he said to me “it wasn’t SA because there was no intent” i didn’t think of it as consent. Like when he’s said we’ve had non verbal sex kind of thing, so in his eyes touching me and doing sexual stuff was in his eyes normal without any expression from me. I know the occasions he was referring to I was asleep or had a nytol. I didn’t want to. But it messed with my head.

when I speak to services again, they’ll understand the consent thing and intent thing to won’t they? If hubby had spoke to MH like he said he had. I’m sad that they didn’t recognise that I didn’t consent and whether he meant it or not, I wish they had checked I was okay, because I wasn’t.

@Agapornis your last part was really helpful as I thought a consequence had to be something scary like him beating me which he hasn’t done. I didn’t connect that me being scared having something done without me wanting it would be seen as a consequence and I would have wanted to avoid that.

I felt like we’d both been wronged. Like he couldn’t help it and I didn’t want it. It does really mess with your head.

I do know that although I would never challenge it with him, he will never say he did anything wrong.

Hubby is a very clever man, I don’t mean in a manipulative way, I mean academically. He’s messed with my head before when he’s talked about women’s rights, he even ran to raise money for rape crisis in 2012. I thought he was helping me and trusted what he said. I thought he’d knew better than me. He knows all the big words. I know nobody will believe me.

Abusers are very much like your husband, they put up a big front, they are charming, they befriend everyone. You have no reason to lie and you do not need to justify leaving to anyone. I am sure when people are with you both they maybe pick up on your nervous energy perhaps or how domineering he is which can be interpreted as controlling. It doesn’t matter how academic he is, he sounds like a predator, it’s not right :(

I know, and who would lie about this, it’s disgusting. I don’t even want my best friend to know what I know now. She wouldn’t be mad at me but she would be upset.

people have picked up, but I think they think I’m anxious which is true too.

im wondering if it’s worth me speaking to him and asking for us both to go to the go together to get some support and maybe some therapy.

Therapy as a couple is advised against with an abuser. He will use the information he finds out about you against you to control you further, and control the narrative in front of the therapist.

Only if you're very, very lucky would you find a therapist who starts with separate sessions, spots the abuse, keeps you separate, and helps you get away from him. Unfortunately it's unlikely. It's far more likely you'll get a therapist who won't even see the abuse.

Remember his previous unwillingness to do counselling for 'sexsomnia' and possible lies about what they said - if he even attended at all, as all you know for a fact was that he went for a drive? I appreciate you might want to think that it'll be better this time for some reason, but is that really likely?

I know. And I don’t want him to know all of my stuff from childhood, it’s personal and it’s scares me even now.

I know one way or another, he’ll come out on top and I’ll be destroyed. However this ends. I know I have to accept what he’ll put me through when I leave, I’ll have to find the strength. He knows my shame. He’ll destroy me. I hate being a woman.

He won’t change and he’ll keep hurting me. He can’t even stand me having flashbacks and periods of dissociation, unless it suits him. The amount of times I’ve hid under the table in the night during a flashback and he’s shouted because I’ve woke him, not shouted, raised his voice. It feels like a shout because I get scared easily but it probably isnt. He won’t care for me with kindness unless it suits him will he.

You'll have the opportunity to rebuild yourself. You won't be alone when the relationship ends - you'll have support from friends, an IDVA, therapy, police. You plan for all eventualities. It might be shit but you can make a plan. Even just starting a plan might make you feel more ready.

Another survivor here, I just want to say that even after 26 years of being free from an abuser, I still have days when I think maybe it wasn't just him, maybe I played a part in deserving the abuse too. You and I have been conditioned over a such a long period to believe that the man we thought we loved and trusted is perfect and that we are the ones who are damaged. We have been fed so much disinformation by them that we question our own judgement and thinking because that is exactly where they want us to be.

Do not let him know what you are planning, for he will up the anti with him being depressed and considering suicide etc, if he finds out your plans he will put a spin on how YOU are affecting him. You need to be aware he could do this, he's done it to you before, it was a regular cycle with my ex. It's a known tactic deployed by a lot of abusers when they feel they are losing control over you, you are not responsible for his mental health, he is. You are responsible for your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children.

I want to also just say that the police, DA supporters etc will all totally understand that the fact you don't say no to any sexual advances is completely normal in our situations, you need to not think you are consenting by being silent. You have been conditioned to be passive to avoid the consequences of not allowing them sex. I totally understand when you say you give up your body to him, I can fully identify with that, you do it to keep the peace, to keep him happy and relieved of his tensions so that it makes the next few hours/days more relaxed and less tense. I look back now and realise I was 'servicing' him on a regular basis just to keep the peace, it kept the sex side of it under my control, to you and me, that is safer than the alternative.

Over the years when I go through a low point of wondering if indeed all the abuse was my fault I have learnt to turn my thoughts to the fact that at the very least, I was in an unhappy marriage. Unhappy people in marriages split up all the time and for far less reason for leaving than I had at the time, or than you have now. Any people around you that decide to make you the baddy in this situation when you do leave him are not worth your time and effort. You will find other friend groups and you will cope. You will be amazed at how, once you leave and have had a period of peace from the constant walking on eggshells, how strong and relieved you will feel.

Please keep in contact here, 26 years ago I confided in an online forum too, not here, somewhere else. I am still friends with those people all these years later and meet up with some of them in real life. Right now, we are your support network, and we are more than happy to listen and send you virtual hugs xx

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgqpzg12p0yo

i wanted to post this as just saw it and I sadly thought of you. But I want you to know what’s happening to you, it’s more common than we think. Who would think this glossy woman would be masking all this abuse. Take care x

OP’s updates are heartbreaking. We all believe you. Every single one.
You are playing down your own intelligence - you write with such clarity.
I bet there are people in his orbit who sense something off about him.
The running in aid of rape crisis? He really is a narcissist. It’s a classic trait, I am afraid, is peacocking in plain sight.
I hope one day you find freedom. You deserve it.
Keep posting.

I agree with @ThisJadeBear , the last posts are heartbreaking but @Becksta1 it does not mean you should not share and have a supportive ear x

I have read the messages. Thank you. I had a nice morning in the garden with my plants and had the paddling pool out this evening for my kids. I felt I held it all together, but when hubby went to sit outside earlier and both kids were in bed. I broke down in tears and just sobbed.

Is it normal to wish you didn’t know? He’s been so lovely today. Bought us all a lovely dinner and said we can go to the beach for the day on Monday which isn’t like him.