Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I know it’s not relevant now, but it’s because he sees me as weak, needing looking after, needing to be directed and probably because of my history of depression and eating disorders which my midwife was aware of. Surprisingly even to me, I managed really well. It was so hard but we went to baby groups and stuff. I had lots of worries and the HV reassured me that they were normal mum worries. I just didn’t want to get it wrong and be a bad mum. Like my DC cried when I put him down so I wouldn’t eat because I didn’t want to put him down and for him to be upset. She told me that it was okay for him to cry for a very short while whilst I went to the toilet or made a quick lunch and cries were just his way of communicating. I used to bit him on a little mat wherever I went! She said it was also okay for me to hold him a lot too which I like to do.

Don’t worry I didn’t think that at all. I knew what you meant.

That cloud shaped app sounds great btw, definitely keep using it, I hope you've added his Big Opinions On Breastfeeding.

All very very normal

Of course you managed well 🙂

The people who are supposed to love and nurture you have told you lies to control you. They have told you that you are less than they are, and they have told you that you are not a capable person - and this is not true.

Hopefully this thread is helping you build that confidence to really believe in yourself, and for you to believe in your ability to break free from those who want to harm you, control you and keep you from finding out who you really are.

Btw I think the app might be Bright Sky? It's by the charity Hestia, who do really great work but aren't very well known.

I know. I had my first DC jus after I turned 28 and for years I wanted to be a mum, but my mum told me quite vividly when I was 15/16 that because of my eating disorder and depression, any baby I have would be taken away by SS. When I had DC a midwife came to my bed to check my stitches but she dint have a uniform on but a suit, I thought she was SS taking him away 😢 She was lovely and so gentle so I’m sad that I thought that.

Thats always worried me. I know through counselling that my mum said these things to punish and control as she knew I dreamed of having a little family of my own. I’m not a perfect mum, and I’m probably too soft because I’m so scared of making them sad. I haven’t got it in me to shout but I can’t even raise my voice, and I wouldn’t because I’d never want them to feel fear, ever.

That’s it. I think you can disguise the app too. I delete and reinstall when I need to log something but it’s very useful.

I am sorry, I know I’ve wrote and posted a lot today. This is quite a hard write, and maybe that’s because I think I know what you might say.

when you’re trying for a baby, you have to always have sex don’t you? Like it just happens doesn’t it? The sex.

It’s because you’ve suffered from post trauma stress disorder. The painful memories get stored away and something awakens them and they all come tumbling out. It’s like opening Pandora’s box. It’s very common as one memory triggers another and then another based on how you felt at that time. It may feel a bit like talking about all these incidents trigger pain that was maybe put away as it was too painful to deal with.

Re the sex, my first baby was not planned and when we tried for the second dc we tried for 2 months and thankfully I got pregnant quickly. Sex will feel like a chore if you don’t like it or if you don’t like the person you are doing it with ( or both). I felt it was another job to do after work. I don’t feel like this now as I actually want to have sex with my partner but not my husband. By the time we were on dc 2 his abuse was ramped up.
one thing though. I think your midwives failed you. Usually if the husband comes with partner for appointments, they usually take you out of the room under the pretence to “ weigh” you. When they do this they ask if your partner is abusive / if you are suffering from domestic abuse.

I think it’s talking about DD and breastfeeding her has brought stuff up. When we were wanting to have her in 2021, once I’d had a shower before collecting DC from school, and I’d had a shower. I’d come out and I had my towelling robe on. Hubby at that point had his desk in our bedroom from the temp Covid wfh set up. I’d came in the bedroom and he pushed me on the bed face down and did it from behind.

im so sorry

oh you poor thing. That’s awful, I don’t want to upset you but that’s rape, it is not having sex. What an absolute monster he is.

I want to reassure you that it’s ok to revisit these events on here. Although they are hard to read, I think if anyone felt they were too much they would stop reading. It makes me more determined to help you get away from him.

I am so sorry, just tj reassure it didn’t feel scary and I thought it was okay.

also the midwives did ask me about DA but I didn’t think I was in an abusive relationship so said no.

I feel so shameful and that it’s my fault. I am okay though and I was okay at the time

It’s really really never the victims fault when they get raped. It’s normal to come out of the shower wrapped in a towel. You did nothing wrong at all, the shame should be his.
Many victims of sa think well maybe it’s not that bad or it’s my fault for instance if they have orgasmed during a sexual assault. However it’s their bodies natural response and automatic. The shame is all his.

How can it be your fault that somebody rapes you.
You know that doesn't make sense.
If someone was poisoning you and you didn't realise it
you would still be harmed by it.
And it wouldn't be your fault.
None of this is your fault
OP.
There's something very wrong with him not you.

I’m not sure I can process this

It’s like a gush of grief, a sickness. A desire to hide away.

I knew, deep down. I can’t remember feeling anything st the time. Probably tried to rationalise it with “we were trying for a baby”. I genuinely don’t remember feeling bad or violated, just nothingness. Even now I’m feeling hurt not for what happened, but for the dreams that are shattering around me. So this was in 2021, but the touching started in 2022, I knew something wasn’t right but abuse didn’t sit right. I remember googling, but not knowing what to write. Only in 2023 did it seem to send some warning off for me. I think maybe it was being around people more that year, being around lovely women and their stories and forming friendships that made me somehow feel like this wasn’t healthy. I mean from the start he wasn’t abusive but wasn’t respectful. He’s flirted numerous times with other women, earlier in the relationship he compared me in lads mags in a negative way. Still remember “I’ve never been lucky enough to have anyone that looks like that”, he’s shamed me, told me at 17 that he dint want me to join him and his friends and their girlfriends on nights out because I was an embarrassment, masturbated in front of me to porn. Everything. Promised me the biggest bouquet of flowers when our DC was born then told me two weeks after his birth that he’d decided not to. Not giving me any money at all during the first few years of DC’s life, he’d always “forget” so I had to make up excuses when invited to soft play, or out for a coffee or a meal. Tbf he’s better now and does put some money in our joint account on payday and covers costs of kids class. But still I mean, it’s a complete joke isn’t it?

I can hear him snoring downstairs as he’s fell asleep on the sofa. Normally I’d go and put a blanket on him, not tonight. I’ll feel crappy in the morning for doing that but I’ll have to make peace with myself when that happens.

Oh @Becksta1, I’ve read your posts and I’m sorry, I don’t have much to offer in terms of advice, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone - I’m here thinking of you and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are going through now. You sound like such a lovely person and an amazing mum. You also write very eloquently by the way, and I don’t think it’s true that you’re ‘not very clever’. Your strength, kindness and dignity shine through in your posts. You so deserve to be safe & happy and free from your abuser. I wish I could give you a big hug.

I think it’s all coming to the surface but it seems that from the age of 17 he started to abuse you. Not giving you any money for a few years - that is terrible financial abuse. I am glad you are leaving him to sleep on the sofa tonight, it seems like you are finding your anger in a healthy way. By the way, you have always been too good for him, that’s why he’s continuously put you down because he’s scared to lose you, but you deserve to be free of him, he’s filled you with 20 years of bad experiences and memories. I am so glad you continue to talk about your experiences as you are looking at everything in a different way now, you are getting clarity within yourself and you have us to check things with as a sounding board.

My daughter was discussing her law exam that she sat yesterday. The subject was rape and she had to give her verdict on it. She said the rape happened under duress however her conclusion was this - rape is rape no matter what the circumstances, are as the effect is the same on the victim. I was very proud of that clarity she had and it was really strange this was said today when she wasn’t even meant to be at home and should have been 100 miles away at uni residence.