Big age gap

[auserna]

Would I be utterly mad to consider a relationship with a man who is 22 years my senior? Obviously we get on well and I like him, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. He's also quite recently widowed.

I've probably answered my own question...

I've been single forever and it would be lovely to be in a relationship, but it's probably just too big an age gap. I don't know what his expectations would be around sex, etc.

This is your desperation talking. He’s 73 years old, his wife died last month, and he’s sniffing around a 50 year old that used to babysit his daughter. He’s scum. Do not date scum no matter how desperate you feel.

I get that you feel fed up of the single life but at the same time 20 years is a lot of time that you had to remedy that situation. Just because you are suddenly feeling down about it is not a reason to throw morality to the wind and get into a completely unsuitable relationship.

There are nice 50 year old men that will buy you opera tickets and that you have things in common with, and whose wives did not die four weeks ago. Take a minute and find one of those rather than doing something that you will regret, and that will reflect poorly on you to those aware of the situation. I promise it will be worth it to wait a little longer for true companionship.

i know you might not care what people' say.

If you go out with him so soon after his wife's death there will be talk that you were with him before his wife died .

I do care, but that hadn't even occurred to me. I mean we absolutely weren't together. I hadn't even seen him for quite a white.

What will his children say if you appear as his girlfriend next week, they are never going to accept you.

He will be 80 in 8 years time. You already mentioned he's not in great health. He was widowed very recently. Do you honestly think you will have much companionship vs becoming a carer? I appreciate you would like a partner to go through life with, but this is not it.

Wow, replacing a wife like replacing a hamster.

I think his daughter will throw a shitfit if you start dating him.

DH and I have the same age gap, but I'm the older one. We are also the happiest couple we know. However, no way would we have got married just on the basis that we just "got along OK". We get on better with each other than with anyone else we've ever met, or it wouldn't be worth the built-in risks involved. OP, loneliness can really make you jump at things that don't add up. Nothing you've said makes this sound special, apart from his haste to find another woman so swiftly after his wife's death (!!!!!). You say you enjoy the companionship, but there's always Radio 4!

You can go to the opera with someone now and again, without being in a relationship with them. If you're not careful, you'll have babysat his daughter and in a few short years you'll be babysitting him. There's a huge difference between 70-80, and you're not exactly going to cop for any of the glory years to compensate.

Just go to the opera. Don't sleepwalk into a care role.

If you enjoy his company then you can continue to do so without it becoming anything more for the time being.

He is recently bereaved and therefore vulnerable. He may be fearful of a future on his own if he was in a long marriage.

Spend time together without labelling it. See how you both feel in 6 months. I imagine it won’t go down well with his children, regardless of how long you leave things.

Consider whether you think it would be appropriate for you to date a 27 year old OP? That’s what he’s asking of you. I bet he wouldn’t date a 96 year old.

Maybe you could just use this as a wake up call to get back on the dating scene rather than getting together with this person? With an age appropriate relationship you could have great companionship, sex, travel all sorts, and for a good few decades, I would hope. There is a time limit on all this with a 73 old.

I’m 4 years younger than dh and I’m the one with the major health issues, most not age related at all. I’m not infirm but the issues can be restrictive.

Having said that I wouldn’t willingly get with someone 22 years my senior (at my age they’d be mid-70s, not a chance!) as I wouldn’t find them attractive or want to nurse them in their dotage.

How many times has he done this since his wife died? Honestly @auserna I forgive any mad behaviour in the immediate aftermath of grief, but you accepting gifts from a much older and recently bereaved man does not create a positive impression of you at all.

He hasn't done it at all yet. He had bought a few opera tickets to go to in the summer with his wife and has asked me if I would like to go with him since he obviously can't go with her.

The reason for mentioning that was just to show that he isn't sponging off me. He hasn't asked for any money (although I've offered), but not has he been festooning me with gifts or taking me out for expensive meals.

We have a very long-term friendship (decades), within the context of him being a married man, with no inappropriate behaviour on either part.

Money for the opera tickets, that is.

Ok well that sounds much more normal and sensible. But you did say ‘he likes treating me to opera tickets’, which is a little different. I wonder if you are reading more into it because you are feeling lonely and he’s a good friend/companion? There’s no shame in that, but don’t let it lead somewhere without intention, that might ruin your friendship beyond repair.

I know I said that, but people keep reading things out of context. It was suggested by a few PPs that he might be looking for a nurse with a purse, so I was clarifying that he is generous towards me and doesn't seem to be expecting anything in return, so at least the "purse" part doesn't seem to apply.

I don't think I'm reading more into it. I made a comment about being single long-term and his reply was, "There's always me." I (rather tactlessly) laughed as an expression of shock that he should have said that after such little time had passed since his wife died.

We've seen each other a few times recently simply because I was trying to be supportive and then he wanted me to see whether I wanted any of his wife's clothes so invited me over to his house. While I was struck by how well we got on on those occasions, and that the dynamic felt slightly different to previously, I didn't expect him to be entertaining ideas of embarking on a relationship. However, it's made me think about things and whether it would be worth considering in the future - hence starting this thread.

Couldn't be bothered to read all the replies OP @auserna

In summary. Big age gap here (not as much as yours tho) and its the most committed, loving, honest, fulfilling and respectful relationship ive ever been in.

17 months in, and we still cant keep our hands off each other either (at least once a day 🙈)

If it makes you happy go for it (just make sure you are on the same page about bug life decisions first)

Well there's nowt wrong with having a relationship, for some reason I got in a tizz about marriage earlier (confusing this with another thread!). The only thing is, errrmmmm his wife has just died and he's offering you her clothes?!??!? Sorry but this sounds really odd.

Are you on a wind up?

Less than a month after his wife has died, he's offering to dress his new lady up in her clothes?!

Odd and unnerving is an understatement and it applies to both of you.

I got you. It doesn’t sound like he’s looking for a nurse with a purse no. Has he actually said anything more that’s made you think he’s considering this? In fact I’m not sure he’s actually looking for anything at all.

‘there’s always me’ sounds like a rather silly joke, perhaps a self deprecating one, that you have perhaps read into. You’ve been friends for a while, makes sense he’s in contact during a hard time. His emotions are doubtless all over the place, his days suddenly look very different. Just be his friend and stop considering him as a partner.

The really salient point is not the age gap but as was posted later, this man's wife only died 1 month ago

Oh, this thread isnt real. Dammit, dont know why it took so long to catch on!

I read it that OP was friends with them both, offering her clothes in that context isn’t so weird. I mean, I wouldn’t accept, but men are funny aren’t they? Not usually as attached to items as women.

Not necessarily. If they think she's going to stick around to look after infirm old daddy into his twilight years, especially if finances and inheritances are well tied up legally, they might think OP would save them all money and effort in the long run.