Big age gap

[auserna]

Would I be utterly mad to consider a relationship with a man who is 22 years my senior? Obviously we get on well and I like him, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. He's also quite recently widowed.

I've probably answered my own question...

I've been single forever and it would be lovely to be in a relationship, but it's probably just too big an age gap. I don't know what his expectations would be around sex, etc.

Ah there was a post on here a few months ago about widowers looking for love (sex).
They call it cuddles so look out for that.
I think it depends on the ages and health. You could be walking into nurse with a purse territory.
If he has DC they'll be worried about inheritance.
Go out on dates but don't live with him is my advice.

Yes too big. He's old enough to be your dad. You'll not have that much in common. Youll be at different stages in your life even if its just retirement etc looming nearer. If it turns serious then later down the line you may end up caring for him. There's a funny episode on Sex In The City where Samantha is about to have an affair with a rich old man and watches his saggy naked bum as he walks to the bathroom and she bolts! 🤣

Not a good idea.

What age are you now as I think that's an important thing to consider. To some extent it depends on the stage of life your currently at. Things can change dramatically in a relative short time so perhaps it's worth being mindful.
I was 49/50 when I met my partner and relatively fit & healthy. I'm 60 now and so much has changed in 10 years. I had open heart surgery 6 years ago and now I need spinal surgery and have to use a walking stroller if we walk any distance.
My partner is only 54 and despite a problematic hip is still fairly fit & active. I feel like a burden on her as we cannot enjoy a lot now due to my limited mobility. I feel like an embarrassment shuffling along beside her and feel she could enjoy her life more on her own or be with someone more fulfilling.
There's only 6 years between us but it feels like a generation now. Lots of people can and do enjoy age gap relationships however I just felt it was worth representing another viewpoint.

I would ONLY go in to a ‘relationship’ with a man 22 years older with a view to it being disposable. A situation ship/FWB type thing that I would walk away from if it wasn’t making my life better. And id only do it because i have a high self worth and know i could walk away.

I would never advise anyone do it if they are vulnerable in any way, looking for marriage/kids, or have low self esteem.

I think this he’s tricky when you are say 40 and he is 62 / 45 vs 67 etc because that just seems like a very big gap in terms of tipping over into being ‘old’.

How old are you?

I don’t buy the ‘nothing in common’ argument fwiw.

There are major disadvantages to a relationship with such a huge age gap, including being at very different life stages, and you potentially ending up being a carer at a young age, with the enormous loss of freedom (inability to travel etc) that will come with that.
If he was the absolute love of your life and the happiness he brought you outweighed everything else then maybe it’s worth considering. If it’s just someone you like but you’re not overly invested yet then I would urge you to find someone closer to your own age.

Yes you would.

The only people that appear to have "problems" with age gap relationships are the people who are not in the relationship.

If there are no health concerns and no money worries. If he treats you as an equal and does not mansplan. If there are children from the first relationship then he must be honest with them from the start.

Start dating but do not rush things and he must grieve for his wife. The mist important thing is that you must talk to each other - it sounds a cliché but so many relationships fail as the couple do not communicate.

Go with your gut instinct.

If he is recently widowed and has kids, you could be walking into a whole heap of drama. I'd stay well clear

Actually I've just realised it's 23 years between us. I'm 50. He has a daughter who's 30. I used to babysit her.

We have masses in common and he doesn't mansplain. He's not in brilliant health but not too old in attitude.

Oh, and he's comfortably off, so not looking for the "purse", and he's very generous. Not sure about the "nurse" part.

He's a good cook and otherwise generally competent.

My friend is in a relationship with a man 20 years her senior.
When she was in her 30s he was the handsome older man. He was a professional chap, played lots of sport, fit, exciting, successful, charismatic.
She's just turned 60 and is full of energy and wants to travel and enjoy life.
He's going to be 80 this year. He sits in the chair 90% of the time watching sport and dozing off. She is basically his carer.

What kind of relationship is he looking for? I would definitely not move in with him or get in a making him dinner every night situation!

Ah, well if you want to be with him now (given the age gap). I’d say go for it - I think if you were 20 years younger I’d worry about him becoming an ‘old man’ while you are still young but to be frank, he’s already an old man so the danger zone has passed!

I did 25 year age gap. A friend of mine ultimately put me off as whenever she saw me she said, “Nappies!!!l. It got her point home eventually.
nurse with a purse

I'm not sure. He said enough for me to know he's interested, but we haven't properly discussed it. I didn't see the point of a long involved conversation if I'm just going to be saying I don't want to get involved with him - I think that would just be unkind.

Jeez. That's certainly something to consider!

This doesn't mean he won't look to you to fund him so he can hoard his money and expect you to support him especially when retired.

When you say recently widowed, how recent are we talking? And to be clear, I think that everyone moves at their own pace with these things, and obviously sometimes these things are complex where the marriage was one of friends, partner had been ill a very long time, they would have otherwise divorced if not for illness etc, context is important.

Being frank, what about sex? Do you still want it? Can he still do it?

I've done that. It was fine to begin with. But now he's really elderly and I've got the ick. Three little words. Fungal nail infection. Sad and unkind. But true.

But yes. They always want sex. Even when they're barely capable and will expect you to deal with their being barely capable.

The gap is too big. It doesn't show when you're both younger but it gapes when you're still just peri menopausal and he's doddery and old.

Too big. My partners 11yrs older than me. I wouldnt go any bigger than that

Eh? There is hundreds of posts on here by 50/60 year old woman who are miserable and stuck being a carer!

Very recent. Far too recent. I was very surprised he said anything about the possibility of us getting together, and I know it's quite likely he is just projecting feelings onto me.