Big age gap

[auserna]

Would I be utterly mad to consider a relationship with a man who is 22 years my senior? Obviously we get on well and I like him, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. He's also quite recently widowed.

I've probably answered my own question...

I've been single forever and it would be lovely to be in a relationship, but it's probably just too big an age gap. I don't know what his expectations would be around sex, etc.

I’ve been married to a man who is 19 years older than me. I was 28 when we married and I’m now 62. Go for it!

I think that age gap is too big. Are you actually attracted to him? You say he is not in good shape. Do you like the idea of sex with him? You mention companionship but you want more than that?

Having only lost his wife a month ago I would run a mile tbh and pursue the date you have today.

In all kindness @auserna , this sounds like a n absolute car crash. Regardless of the age gap, he’s very recently widowed, you babysat his daughter - a woman who has just lost her mother. How can you see this panning out?

He is almost certainly reaching out for comfort, afraid of being alone, and you’re the nearest warm body. If that feels like companionship to you, take it as a sign you need to get out and meet someone (which it sounds like you are doing).

The happiest couple I know have a 23 year age gap. You don’t notice it when they’re together, they’re perfect for each other and it’s a joy to see. I worry for her as he is naturally likely to die first, and she will have a lot of life left, but I’m glad they went for it, they make each other very happy. For reference, she’s 47 and he’s 70 (a very young 70 mind).

This sounds like a terrible idea. This isn’t some random older guy you’re casually seeing, there’s way too much baggage and emotional history there to deal with.

He’s very recently widowed, to the point you think it’s inappropriate that he’s even raised the possibility. And you used to babysit his daughter! Presumably you knew him and his wife fairly well at that time and you’re still in some sort of contact for the past 20 years or so. That’s way too much complicated entanglement. I’d be disgusted if I were his daughter, and he started a relationship with my childhood babysitter who is nearer my age than his, when my mum had only just died.

Last month!! And he’s already sniffing around?! That would be an absolute ick for me.

Babysitter? Ick.

My friend is in a big age gap relationship. She is late twenties, he is mid fifties. It’s heartbreaking as she’s desperate to be a mum, he can’t have children. Plus when he retires, she’ll have 30 years of working left! I see no positives for either.

That's not entirely fair. I've said I like him, we get on well, we have a lot in common, and we're able to chat for hours at a time. And I like his hugs.

But a man not being able to have children in his mid-fifties may not be age related. Some people in their twenties can't have children.

That isn't how I know him though. I did a weekly activity with him for many years.

Sorry but it does sound like he's looking for someone to replace his wife ASAP, I.e running around after him, is he capable of being independent/ fully looking after himself?

His wife died LAST MONTH?

I hate him already...!

She died last month? Jeez.

Nope, nope, nope.

Oh, do you reckon he’s been lining you up then?

Any person who gets in to a new relationship one month after the death of their long term spouse is beyond grim and may as well have stamped on their forehead that they can’t give a shit about you as a human, any woman will do.

@ausernaok it is statistically less likely to have problems conceiving in your twenties.

I got together with my DP when I was 40, he is 24 years older than me.We choose not to live together. We have been blissfully happy for over ten years and I hope we have more to come. I would rather have had even one year with him in my life, than not.
If someone makes you feel cherished, respected, seen…don’t throw that away because of something that means nothing, like their age.

Him being a recent widower would put me off more than the age gap.
my ex partner was 17 years younger than me And the reason for the split was nothing to do with age. I was also asked out by somebody else who is 17 years younger than me but said no because I felt he was too young. I do think it's more about the stages you're at in your life and how similar you are as people. My ex had his son young and I had my son slightly older. We did similar kind of work and had similar values and I never ever felt the age gap was noticeable at all.

do you know how his family feel about him dating?

OMG don't do it!

This. ^ This man (like most men who lose their wife through death or divorce) is looking for her replacement. Someone to do the housework, cooking, washing, shopping, life admin, and the odd bit of sex, and to be a future carer for him of course.......

You like his hugs? 😐

OP that's just too big a gap. You are at completely different stages of your lives. You will just end up being an unpaid carer...

A month - I missed that bit. eughh

His wife is barely cold!

It's a bad idea for a whole host of reasons with the age gap beong the least of them.

His wife only died a month ago which either means he's grieving, lonely or heartness - none are a good starting point for a relationship.

His children are grieving the loss of their mother and you, their former babysitter, wants to immediately date their father - not exactly a great way for the inlaws to like you.

You don't even sound like you sre attracted to more thsn you are lonely and enjoy company - again not a good start - company and love are very different.

Then there's the age gap bit you should have ruled him out long before that.