Big age gap

[auserna]

Would I be utterly mad to consider a relationship with a man who is 22 years my senior? Obviously we get on well and I like him, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. He's also quite recently widowed.

I've probably answered my own question...

I've been single forever and it would be lovely to be in a relationship, but it's probably just too big an age gap. I don't know what his expectations would be around sex, etc.

Yes, I do. Don't know whether he can.

I don't know what he looks like naked, but he's not in particularly good shape.

My brother is 20 years older than his wife, he was 45 and she was 25 when they met. They’re very very happy.

I’m 49 and my partner is 70. We’re together for over five years. I’m the one with health issues due to a cancer diagnosis.

Sorry OP, but I'm a similar age to you and would be wanting more than 'good cooking' in a relationship!

Oh come on now - very recently widowed and you used to babysit his daughter...

It puts me off that he has been so recently widowed.

My husband was 16yrs older than me. It was fine while he was in his 40s and fit and active. We wanted the same things and did the same things. Then he hit 60 and stopped wanting to do anything but sit in the garden. I was 44 and still raring to go. Our marriage ended when I hit 50 and realised that time was precious and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a now grumpy old man.

It sounds like you dont actually fancy him.
And by the fact you're saying its far too recent makes me think you're also a bit unimpressed (understandably) with him putting the feelers out so quickly.
So surely the answer is no? Better off alone than with someone just for the sake of it.

There is a lot more. That was specifically in response to the suggestion that he just wanted to be looked after.

Yes, absolutely. These are my thoughts exactly.

I've been alone for twenty years and I'm a bit fed up of it. Even just spending time with him recently has made me realise how nice it is to have companionship.

Was he 'recently widowed' this year? Also, won't you be wondering if he fancied you when you were babysitting. Bit grim!

I don't think the age gap is the issue here as much as the fact that you don't seem to particularly be attracted to him. If you want to fill the loneliness gap, then he can be a friend. Does he want it to be more? Have you actually spoken about what a relationship would look like for both of you? Out of shape doesn't automatically mean he isn't interested or good at sex- I mean that would disqualify many people then! Are you attracted to him physically and mentally- that's key here.

Why not go on a date? You can spend some time together and go on few dates and see how it goes and how you feel after a month.

I always suspected he might have a soft spot for me, but he was always totally faithful to his wife (as far as I know, anyway).

Yes, this year. Last month!

We have. Or at least we have done date-like things without calling it a date. Chatted for about nine hours on Saturday, and had lunch the previous Monday (lasted about five hours). Conversation is good.

I take it back, last month? That's messed up.

Mentally yes. Physically I'm not sure, although he gives good hugs.

No we haven't discussed it. I wanted to be sure what I feel before having a chat about it.

And to further complicate things I have a date with someone else (the same age as me) this afternoon!

Do you really want to be with a man who thought so little of his wife, his children, that he's out trying to date a month after she passes?
If you want to meet someone, go out and meet someone and find someone you really like! If nothing else, its not really right of you to date someone you dont really like or fancy just for companionship because you are lonely, unless you were both explicitly on the same page that it was platonic only. I dont know, just feels like a bit of a mess.

How old when you were babysitting? So he is not all bothered that his wife died last month?

Before I read that he has been a widower for a month. What i was originally suggesting was going on actual dates and calling them dates. There is no need to decide if you want a relationship or not. You can keep dating for few montha and just see how you feel. No need to decide about marriage and living together and being a carer. Just date for a few months and see how you feel. If sex feels natural, have sex. If not, don't. Seems like you're unsure, that's what the dating part is for.

But if his wife is barely even on the ground and he is suggesting a relationship, it is a red flag. You cam be friends (and taking a step back from talking hours) but I would absolutely not even contemplate a relationship.

Is there a backstory that his wife had alzheimers and didn't know who he was for years before her death or something that makes this month thing more understandable?

“Do you really want to be with a man who thought so little of his wife, his children, that he's out trying to date a month after she passes?
If you want to meet someone, go out and meet someone and find someone you really like! If nothing else, its not really right of you to date someone you dont really like or fancy just for companionship because you are lonely, unless you were both explicitly on the same page that it was platonic only. I dont know, just feels like a bit of a mess.”

Unless there’s a back story (like long-term Alzheimer’s), this with bells on. And i would say there’s something pretty arrogant and entitled in him imagining he’s in with a shot with you. He’s 73 and his first move is to a 50 yo. He’s certainly only thinking about himself.

No, he absolutely is bothered, although he's coping well.

That doesn't complicate things.

His wife being barely dead in the ground, plus the fact that he's 73 and not in particularly good shape and nowhere in what you've written can I find even a hint of a reason that you'd get into a relationship with him other than He Asked You, is what complicates things.