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Original poster

Big age gap

151 replies

auserna · 27/04/2026 08:26

Would I be utterly mad to consider a relationship with a man who is 22 years my senior? Obviously we get on well and I like him, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. He's also quite recently widowed.

I've probably answered my own question...

I've been single forever and it would be lovely to be in a relationship, but it's probably just too big an age gap. I don't know what his expectations would be around sex, etc.

OP posts:
Thundertoast · 27/04/2026 13:26

Okay another question:
Do you understand how other people might view a man trying to date his kids ex babysitter a month after his wife died? What do you think his kids would think about this?

Edenmum2 · 27/04/2026 13:26

WildGarden · 27/04/2026 10:03

My friend is in a relationship with a man 20 years her senior.
When she was in her 30s he was the handsome older man. He was a professional chap, played lots of sport, fit, exciting, successful, charismatic.
She's just turned 60 and is full of energy and wants to travel and enjoy life.
He's going to be 80 this year. He sits in the chair 90% of the time watching sport and dozing off. She is basically his carer.

I have a friend like this too but she’s only 40 atm, however it’s already proving a downward spiral. I really wish she would leave him. Mainly because he’s a horrible person but also the fact that she’ll be caring for him in 10 years time.

FlapperFlamingo · 27/04/2026 13:47

I do understand OP - on one hand there is a large age gap and his wife only recently passed away, but on the other hand you think he's a nice guy and you have known him and done other activities with him, plus a relationship would be nice. I also understand that when someone is 73 and their partner passes away it kind of brings home that they may go soon - and they want to live life to the fullest in the time they have, plus who knows maybe they accepted they didn't have a good relationship with their wife but stayed for other reasons (not saying this is the case as I don't know - but this was the situation with a colleague of mine).

Can you put off the decision? Could you say it's too soon after his wife passed away, but you're happy to meet up one or twice a month and do an activity together for a few months. Then you could see how it goes. I'd be clear that it's as a friend only for now, you want to give yourself leeway to see other people.

duchyorganiclettuce · 27/04/2026 13:52

Being widowed young is top tier pain, I can't recommend it.

outerspacepotato · 27/04/2026 14:03

auserna · 27/04/2026 11:00

Very recent. Far too recent. I was very surprised he said anything about the possibility of us getting together, and I know it's quite likely he is just projecting feelings onto me.

Show quote history

A lot of widowers were used to their wives taking care of things and doing much of the domestic and emotional labour of the house. They miss that and are looking for a replacement.

She just died last month. Let the family grieve. Have you considered how his kid or kids will resent you if he starts a relationship with the former babysitter a month after their mom died?

Girl.

GrandmasCat · 27/04/2026 14:15

Sorry OP, I think he is just feeling a bit lonely but not at all ready to work in a new relationship. With a recent bereavement I would be worried about any random thing you may do or say triggering memories or making him feel as if he was betraying his wife and him walking away leaving you heartbroken.

With regards to the age gap… the problem I have had when dating retired people is that they have a lot of free time and someway they expect you to have it too and if you are still working you won’t have it and they may feel “pulled back” after a few months.

He may have a younger attitude at 73 but… he is 73. I was with someone who was 12 years older than me and we didn’t have a problem until he retired, then resented I couldn’t travel or adapt to his plans as I didn’t have the flexibility that he had and we got to a point where he said that he had a life to live and… at that precise point I realised that I didn’t want to come out of raising a child on my own and working like mad just to retire to… become a carer for him, I also have a life to live…

Mumofoneandone · 27/04/2026 14:28

Similar age gap between myself and DH. It is what it is - we got on well - met through work and it went from there.
Can't really advise as I knew I wanted to be with him but didn't have the links you do. Maybe just see how it goes and don't make any rash decisions...

OttersOnAPlane · 27/04/2026 14:36

Lots of people are in good physical condition at 73.

Not that many are at 78. Bugger all are at 83.

I have friends who married older men when they were young. By mid 50s to 60s, many of them were trapped for years being carers to old men with dementia and significant difficulties.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/04/2026 14:48

His wife has been dead a month - he's lonely, grieving and craving the normality of being in a relationship again

you babysat his daughter & I assume also knew his late wife

he's 22 years older

i just can't see any upsides for you at all OP

Original poster
auserna · 27/04/2026 14:52

CoralOP · 27/04/2026 12:52

Sorry but it does sound like he's looking for someone to replace his wife ASAP, I.e running around after him, is he capable of being independent/ fully looking after himself?

Yes, I keep saying this. He can cook and he's very capable.

OP posts:
Original poster
auserna · 27/04/2026 14:54

Thundertoast · 27/04/2026 13:26

Okay another question:
Do you understand how other people might view a man trying to date his kids ex babysitter a month after his wife died? What do you think his kids would think about this?

Well I haven't been his daughter's babysitter for about twenty years, but yes, I'm keen to avoid any impression of indecent haste on either his part or mine.

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 27/04/2026 14:54

auserna · 27/04/2026 11:00

Very recent. Far too recent. I was very surprised he said anything about the possibility of us getting together, and I know it's quite likely he is just projecting feelings onto me.

Show quote history

Do not go there if he’s recently widowed.
Yuck.

Original poster
auserna · 27/04/2026 14:57

TheFluffyTwo · 27/04/2026 12:53

His wife died LAST MONTH?

I hate him already...!

I know, it's way too soon. She was terminally ill for a long time, but still...

OP posts:
Original poster
auserna · 27/04/2026 14:58

FlapperFlamingo · 27/04/2026 13:47

I do understand OP - on one hand there is a large age gap and his wife only recently passed away, but on the other hand you think he's a nice guy and you have known him and done other activities with him, plus a relationship would be nice. I also understand that when someone is 73 and their partner passes away it kind of brings home that they may go soon - and they want to live life to the fullest in the time they have, plus who knows maybe they accepted they didn't have a good relationship with their wife but stayed for other reasons (not saying this is the case as I don't know - but this was the situation with a colleague of mine).

Can you put off the decision? Could you say it's too soon after his wife passed away, but you're happy to meet up one or twice a month and do an activity together for a few months. Then you could see how it goes. I'd be clear that it's as a friend only for now, you want to give yourself leeway to see other people.

Thanks. If I decided to explore things this is how I would proceed.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 27/04/2026 15:00

Comfortably off and in ill health - sounds bloody perfect.

Diarygirlqueen · 27/04/2026 15:01

It's nothing to do with his age, its the fact his wife has only died last month.
Shame on both of you for entertaining the idea.

DiamondCity · 27/04/2026 15:06

I know a couple with a similar age gap. They’ve been together years and are one of the strongest couples I know. At first I was surprised at the age gap, it’s not the norm. But it genuinely works for some.

I would be more concerned about the fact he is so recently widowed. One month is no time at all after going through something like that.

nutsfornuts · 27/04/2026 15:07

auserna · 27/04/2026 14:54

Well I haven't been his daughter's babysitter for about twenty years, but yes, I'm keen to avoid any impression of indecent haste on either his part or mine.

Show quote history

The best (and possibly only) way to avoid the impression of something is to not do it.

I’m sorry OP but regardless of how you feel you must be able to imagine how deeply hurtful and disrespectful this relationship would be? I think you need wait a couple of years minimum.

nutsfornuts · 27/04/2026 15:09

DiamondCity · 27/04/2026 15:06

I know a couple with a similar age gap. They’ve been together years and are one of the strongest couples I know. At first I was surprised at the age gap, it’s not the norm. But it genuinely works for some.

I would be more concerned about the fact he is so recently widowed. One month is no time at all after going through something like that.

Edited

I’m very relaxed about age gaps but in this case I think the fact that his wife has been dead a month is a much bigger concern

GingerBeverage · 27/04/2026 15:11

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind OP, good luck with it all.

Cheese55 · 27/04/2026 15:18

Doesn't seem like he's that bothered about his wife if hes already lining you up for a shag. You can romanticise it but that's what he's doing

Original poster
auserna · 27/04/2026 15:19

Moveoverdarlin · 27/04/2026 15:00

Comfortably off and in ill health - sounds bloody perfect.

Haha! I wasn't planning on wanting an inheritance, but he likes treating me to opera tickets.

OP posts:
Thundertoast · 27/04/2026 15:22

Do you not find it really off-putting though, that he's chasing a new person when his wife's only been dead a month... like she was someone who filled a 'wife role' in his life, as opposed to an individual person who he treasured and loved?

OvernightBloats · 27/04/2026 15:31

Distasteful.

To consider becoming involved with a man whose wife has only died just a month ago is extremely disrespectful. He sounds far from a good catch.

Original poster
auserna · 27/04/2026 15:32

Thundertoast · 27/04/2026 15:22

Do you not find it really off-putting though, that he's chasing a new person when his wife's only been dead a month... like she was someone who filled a 'wife role' in his life, as opposed to an individual person who he treasured and loved?

Yes, that is one of my specific concerns.

OP posts:
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