Is inconsistent texting normal in a friends with benefits situation?

[Pinkfuzzyoctopus]

Hi,

Need everyone’s opinion on this please.

Got a friend with benefits. We have been on and off for a while. He disappears, comes back, goes again, comes back. The most recent comeback was very intense. Texting every day, all day, all night, sending morning messages. Messages were very emotionally heavy, sharing a lot of our lives with each other, advice, having a laugh etc. Bit much for friends with benefits to be honest.

Anyway, he went quiet so I sent a message asking if things were ok. Nothing, I left it for a bit and sent another asking if everything was ok. It had went from full on contact to nothing. He got in touch telling me it was too much, I was too much and this wasn’t what he wanted. All my flabbers were gasted! He was the one who was initiating it all so to say that to me was absolutely diabolical.

I basically called him out, he came back saying he was sorry and missed me. I told him he was a disgrace. I told him this was his last chance and he was not to treat me like shit again, he said he wouldn’t. He started texting every morning again, we chatted, I kept messages short as I was still pissed off with him, now he has dropped back on the texts. He replies about five hours later and sometimes it can be a day.

What is this man all about?? I’ve never known anyone blow as hot and cold like he does. I don’t want a relationship from him, he is someone to talk to (when he can be bothered) and we have sex. That’s all I’m in it for however I do expect respect and not to be treated like crap.

Are men like this nowadays, do they just text as and when they fancy, am I expecting too much from him?

I know I’ve been too soft before anyone says it. I’ve given him too many chances, far too many!

Thanks everyone ❤️

Do you know what a fwb is - there isn’t meant to be any sort of deep filled convo here. It meant to be nice enough pleasantries - shag - repeat. When I did it years ago - we spoke once/twice a week - we were very, very good friends, cared about each other but it never veered into deep stuff. We would speak about works etc - but not daily! I am still friends with him today (not with benefits obvs as I’m married)

FWB is exactly what@Ryah76describes up thread. You’re allowing yourself to be used by an avoidant man who blows hot and cold as it suits him, with the excuse that he can do that because it’s ‘fwb’.

50% of this is your fault.

That sounds very emotionally intense, both the texting and intimacy and your reaction when they cooled

If you dont want to be with him, why are you tracking how long it takes to reply? 5hrs for a reply, a day- he could be busy, working, with another FWB, with family... anything. He doesnt owe you a reply, you aren't his GF

And if youre FWB you dont have a commitment or anything to hold him to. I think being short with him to express your displeasure like a DW or DP is weird if all you want is a chat and a shag.

If you're a FWB why wouldnt he text you occasionally and inconsistency and have sex with you? Bet he isnt sending good morning texts to his other friends.

If you want FWB stop analysing his texting habits, and if youre kidding yourself you need to either ask for more or move on

Taking a day to reply isnt disrespect. Stopping intense daily texts isnt disrespect.

No, men are not all like this. He’s weird, I’d give him a bit of a wide berth.

jesus does his name begin with T by any chance??

It doesn’t sound like you are happy in this kind of set up. Maybe reconsider this “relationship”

It’s FWB. You text when you want a shag. That’s it. Any more than that you are in a relationship.

Get rid asap.

My guess is that he wants more than Fwb with you. Each time he realises that you don't, he pulls back and goes nc. Then he misses you enough to think it's worth another go and the cycle repeats. Or maybe he's just emotionally unstable.

This doesn't really sound like FWB on either part. Texting all day and night is too intense but so is you calling him a disgrace and saying he treated you like shit when he drew back. So much drama. It's supposed to be easy and light. If you can't do that (and I know I couldn't) then maybe FWB isn't what you are looking for.

Wanting respect is down to the disappearing, reappearing etc, that’s not the way to treat someone.

Wanting respect would be dumping him and taking some time to figure out what you actually want. FWB do not text as intensely as you were and they certainly don't allow the f.buddy to consume them. You should have pulled back when he started getting intense, and reaffirmed your boundaries.
Unless, of course, you want more than a FWB. Even then, you'd need to get that out in the open, instead of dragging out this hide and seek affair, and hovering over buttons.

I hadn't realized it had gone on for so long. Why didn't you nip it in the bud after a waak not let he continue for 3 months. Does hexpect you to reply? Do you? If so, there's the way out. Ignore !

I think the daily contact was less was expected of FWB and the sporadic contact is more normal. FWB is usually very casual and not intense.

I'm so glad mobile phones weren't around when I was younger. I wouldn't expect regular contact. To me a FWB was very casual thing when you both fancied it. This sounds like hard work.

FWBs are always meant to be temporary, so why not take your extreme irritation as a big sign the arrangement has run its course?

There can be rules discussed in a FWB situation, but otherwise it's a very different animal than an exclusive relationship where there are expectations that shouldn't be expected in a FWB. To me, what expectations are in communication and the extent of emotional closeness or distance is like trying to nail gelatin to a wall.

You think of him as a friend, but how will that continue if you enter into a serious relationship with someone else. Do you really think a new dating prospect will want you communicating with and hanging out with an ex FWB? Or maybe you don't want a SO and just want to go from one FWB situation to another, I don't know. I do know that if I feel so irritated with someone where I'd want to call them out, that I usually lessen my interaction or end things totally if I feel like I'm not a priority. But to me, you can't expect to be a priority in a FWB situation. Being a priority is meant for the longterm people in one's life.

He’s not responding because he wants a FWB (sex). He’s coming back occasionally to ensure that you’re still on board with the arrangement.

If you’re unhappy and feel disrespected then end the arrangement and get with another bloke - but the fact you’re staying around and telling him he’s a disgrace etc. says it all, really.

It’s all a bit too emotionally involved for casual sex.

As an FWB, he may well be having sex with other women so slow replies are the least of your problems. Are you sure you’re ok with this setup?