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Original poster

Is inconsistent texting normal in a friends with benefits situation?

52 replies

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 26/04/2026 23:21

Hi,

Need everyone’s opinion on this please.

Got a friend with benefits. We have been on and off for a while. He disappears, comes back, goes again, comes back. The most recent comeback was very intense. Texting every day, all day, all night, sending morning messages. Messages were very emotionally heavy, sharing a lot of our lives with each other, advice, having a laugh etc. Bit much for friends with benefits to be honest.

Anyway, he went quiet so I sent a message asking if things were ok. Nothing, I left it for a bit and sent another asking if everything was ok. It had went from full on contact to nothing. He got in touch telling me it was too much, I was too much and this wasn’t what he wanted. All my flabbers were gasted! He was the one who was initiating it all so to say that to me was absolutely diabolical.

I basically called him out, he came back saying he was sorry and missed me. I told him he was a disgrace. I told him this was his last chance and he was not to treat me like shit again, he said he wouldn’t. He started texting every morning again, we chatted, I kept messages short as I was still pissed off with him, now he has dropped back on the texts. He replies about five hours later and sometimes it can be a day.

What is this man all about?? I’ve never known anyone blow as hot and cold like he does. I don’t want a relationship from him, he is someone to talk to (when he can be bothered) and we have sex. That’s all I’m in it for however I do expect respect and not to be treated like crap.

Are men like this nowadays, do they just text as and when they fancy, am I expecting too much from him?

I know I’ve been too soft before anyone says it. I’ve given him too many chances, far too many!

Thanks everyone ❤️

OP posts:
nam3c4ang3 · 27/04/2026 08:53

Do you know what a fwb is - there isn’t meant to be any sort of deep filled convo here. It meant to be nice enough pleasantries - shag - repeat. When I did it years ago - we spoke once/twice a week - we were very, very good friends, cared about each other but it never veered into deep stuff. We would speak about works etc - but not daily! I am still friends with him today (not with benefits obvs as I’m married)

littleburn · 27/04/2026 09:00

FWB is exactly what@Ryah76describes up thread. You’re allowing yourself to be used by an avoidant man who blows hot and cold as it suits him, with the excuse that he can do that because it’s ‘fwb’.

Laura95167 · 27/04/2026 21:27

50% of this is your fault.

That sounds very emotionally intense, both the texting and intimacy and your reaction when they cooled

If you dont want to be with him, why are you tracking how long it takes to reply? 5hrs for a reply, a day- he could be busy, working, with another FWB, with family... anything. He doesnt owe you a reply, you aren't his GF

And if youre FWB you dont have a commitment or anything to hold him to. I think being short with him to express your displeasure like a DW or DP is weird if all you want is a chat and a shag.

If you're a FWB why wouldnt he text you occasionally and inconsistency and have sex with you? Bet he isnt sending good morning texts to his other friends.

If you want FWB stop analysing his texting habits, and if youre kidding yourself you need to either ask for more or move on

Laura95167 · 27/04/2026 21:30

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 26/04/2026 23:42

It’s not that I expect boyfriend treatment but I do expect him to respect me. I do worry about him, he is my friend and I was concerned that something had happened to him when it went from him contacting every day to nothing then he has this ridiculous outburst and I was just like…what the actual!

Show quote history

Taking a day to reply isnt disrespect. Stopping intense daily texts isnt disrespect.

Buffs · 27/04/2026 22:04

No, men are not all like this. He’s weird, I’d give him a bit of a wide berth.

Run4glory · 27/04/2026 22:27

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 26/04/2026 23:32

Yeah that was my thought. He has been and gone and come back again so many times, it is actually exhausting. He really hacked me off when he said it was too much, he was the one that made it that way, it was three months of daily texts!!

Show quote history

jesus does his name begin with T by any chance??

JohnnysMama · 27/04/2026 22:55

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 26/04/2026 23:21

Hi,

Need everyone’s opinion on this please.

Got a friend with benefits. We have been on and off for a while. He disappears, comes back, goes again, comes back. The most recent comeback was very intense. Texting every day, all day, all night, sending morning messages. Messages were very emotionally heavy, sharing a lot of our lives with each other, advice, having a laugh etc. Bit much for friends with benefits to be honest.

Anyway, he went quiet so I sent a message asking if things were ok. Nothing, I left it for a bit and sent another asking if everything was ok. It had went from full on contact to nothing. He got in touch telling me it was too much, I was too much and this wasn’t what he wanted. All my flabbers were gasted! He was the one who was initiating it all so to say that to me was absolutely diabolical.

I basically called him out, he came back saying he was sorry and missed me. I told him he was a disgrace. I told him this was his last chance and he was not to treat me like shit again, he said he wouldn’t. He started texting every morning again, we chatted, I kept messages short as I was still pissed off with him, now he has dropped back on the texts. He replies about five hours later and sometimes it can be a day.

What is this man all about?? I’ve never known anyone blow as hot and cold like he does. I don’t want a relationship from him, he is someone to talk to (when he can be bothered) and we have sex. That’s all I’m in it for however I do expect respect and not to be treated like crap.

Are men like this nowadays, do they just text as and when they fancy, am I expecting too much from him?

I know I’ve been too soft before anyone says it. I’ve given him too many chances, far too many!

Thanks everyone ❤️

It doesn’t sound like you are happy in this kind of set up. Maybe reconsider this “relationship”

Notmyreality · 27/04/2026 22:58

It’s FWB. You text when you want a shag. That’s it. Any more than that you are in a relationship.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 28/04/2026 00:46

Get rid asap.

NorthernJim · 28/04/2026 12:56

My guess is that he wants more than Fwb with you. Each time he realises that you don't, he pulls back and goes nc. Then he misses you enough to think it's worth another go and the cycle repeats. Or maybe he's just emotionally unstable.

RRAaaaargh · 28/04/2026 13:01

This doesn't really sound like FWB on either part. Texting all day and night is too intense but so is you calling him a disgrace and saying he treated you like shit when he drew back. So much drama. It's supposed to be easy and light. If you can't do that (and I know I couldn't) then maybe FWB isn't what you are looking for.

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2026 13:10

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 27/04/2026 00:03

Sorry I think I need to be clearer.

He was texting every day, disappeared for a bit, I texted to ask if everything was ok, he bit back at me.

Since we patched things up he started with daily messages but now it has dropped back.

He now takes forever to reply to my messages. That is why I asked if that’s what men are like, all or nothing. He starts full on, if I match his energy he drops back.

Wanting respect is down to the disappearing, reappearing etc, that’s not the way to treat someone.

Wanting respect is down to the disappearing, reappearing etc, that’s not the way to treat someone.

Wanting respect would be dumping him and taking some time to figure out what you actually want. FWB do not text as intensely as you were and they certainly don't allow the f.buddy to consume them. You should have pulled back when he started getting intense, and reaffirmed your boundaries.
Unless, of course, you want more than a FWB. Even then, you'd need to get that out in the open, instead of dragging out this hide and seek affair, and hovering over buttons.

Nantescalling · 28/04/2026 15:15

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 26/04/2026 23:32

Yeah that was my thought. He has been and gone and come back again so many times, it is actually exhausting. He really hacked me off when he said it was too much, he was the one that made it that way, it was three months of daily texts!!

Show quote history

I hadn't realized it had gone on for so long. Why didn't you nip it in the bud after a waak not let he continue for 3 months. Does hexpect you to reply? Do you? If so, there's the way out. Ignore !

ButterYellowHair · 28/04/2026 15:45

I think the daily contact was less was expected of FWB and the sporadic contact is more normal. FWB is usually very casual and not intense.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 28/04/2026 15:49

I'm so glad mobile phones weren't around when I was younger. I wouldn't expect regular contact. To me a FWB was very casual thing when you both fancied it. This sounds like hard work.

ScorpionLioness79 · 28/04/2026 16:19

FWBs are always meant to be temporary, so why not take your extreme irritation as a big sign the arrangement has run its course?

There can be rules discussed in a FWB situation, but otherwise it's a very different animal than an exclusive relationship where there are expectations that shouldn't be expected in a FWB. To me, what expectations are in communication and the extent of emotional closeness or distance is like trying to nail gelatin to a wall.

You think of him as a friend, but how will that continue if you enter into a serious relationship with someone else. Do you really think a new dating prospect will want you communicating with and hanging out with an ex FWB? Or maybe you don't want a SO and just want to go from one FWB situation to another, I don't know. I do know that if I feel so irritated with someone where I'd want to call them out, that I usually lessen my interaction or end things totally if I feel like I'm not a priority. But to me, you can't expect to be a priority in a FWB situation. Being a priority is meant for the longterm people in one's life.

LetsBeWellBehaved · 28/04/2026 16:30

He’s not responding because he wants a FWB (sex). He’s coming back occasionally to ensure that you’re still on board with the arrangement.

If you’re unhappy and feel disrespected then end the arrangement and get with another bloke - but the fact you’re staying around and telling him he’s a disgrace etc. says it all, really.

It’s all a bit too emotionally involved for casual sex.

As an FWB, he may well be having sex with other women so slow replies are the least of your problems. Are you sure you’re ok with this setup?

RRAaaaargh · 28/04/2026 19:53

Honestly feel life would be a lot more straightforward if we just rebranded FWB as casual sex. The whole "friend" aspect is so open to (mis)interpretation.

aquashiv · 28/04/2026 21:03

He has others on the go.

Sassylovesbooks · 29/04/2026 07:51

I'd say the 'friends' part is only when it suits him and he can be bothered, then he's intense. When he can't be bothered/has something more important going on in his life, he withdrawals.

He's not really a friend, because friends don't blow hot and cold. You are a booty call at best and when he can be arsed a friend on a superficial level.

He'll bleed you dry emotionally. He's not a friend. He's a booty call. End whatever arrangement you have.

Viviennemary · 29/04/2026 17:21

He's a user. But isn't that what friends with benefits are for.

Stupo · 29/04/2026 17:31

When a FWB situation isn’t meeting your needs then you end it: it’s that simple.

UpDownAllAround1 · 29/04/2026 17:33

You want communication that is more like from a bf not a casual sex partner. You aren’t compatible

lilkitten · 30/04/2026 14:15

He probably sees it as a casual arrangement, and maybe you want more? Though I get your point about him being a friend first and foremost, so it's the general keeping-in-touch too. I have an FWB, and it's reminded me that I do need to message him as it's been a few weeks since we've chatted (and he literally is a friend that sometimes something more happens with)

Gardenimp · 30/04/2026 14:29

I think PPs have it the wrong way round. I think he is more emotionally involved than he'd like to admit, so he initiates lots of contact, which he enjoys and then scares himself and backs off.

Either way it's not doing you any good OP, so step away.