Is inconsistent texting normal in a friends with benefits situation?

[Pinkfuzzyoctopus]

Hi,

Need everyone’s opinion on this please.

Got a friend with benefits. We have been on and off for a while. He disappears, comes back, goes again, comes back. The most recent comeback was very intense. Texting every day, all day, all night, sending morning messages. Messages were very emotionally heavy, sharing a lot of our lives with each other, advice, having a laugh etc. Bit much for friends with benefits to be honest.

Anyway, he went quiet so I sent a message asking if things were ok. Nothing, I left it for a bit and sent another asking if everything was ok. It had went from full on contact to nothing. He got in touch telling me it was too much, I was too much and this wasn’t what he wanted. All my flabbers were gasted! He was the one who was initiating it all so to say that to me was absolutely diabolical.

I basically called him out, he came back saying he was sorry and missed me. I told him he was a disgrace. I told him this was his last chance and he was not to treat me like shit again, he said he wouldn’t. He started texting every morning again, we chatted, I kept messages short as I was still pissed off with him, now he has dropped back on the texts. He replies about five hours later and sometimes it can be a day.

What is this man all about?? I’ve never known anyone blow as hot and cold like he does. I don’t want a relationship from him, he is someone to talk to (when he can be bothered) and we have sex. That’s all I’m in it for however I do expect respect and not to be treated like crap.

Are men like this nowadays, do they just text as and when they fancy, am I expecting too much from him?

I know I’ve been too soft before anyone says it. I’ve given him too many chances, far too many!

Thanks everyone ❤️

He Sounds like someone who will bleed you dry emotionally when he needs to but won’t give anything back in return. He’s hot when it suits him and cold when he can’t be bothered. it will always be this cycle with him OP, it’s whether you can tolerate it.

This all sounds very very intense for a FWB situation tbh. I wouldn't be irate about my actual friends I haven't smushed genitals with, taking a day to reply never mind a FWB. This doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

I’m sorry, but it looks to me like you expect the boyfriend treatment when you’re just booty calls to each other.

He sees a friend with benefits differently from you I suspect. You are an option when he has nothing better to do. He could of course be doing this to keep you on the hook and thinking about him - which he is succeeding with.

Yeah that was my thought. He has been and gone and come back again so many times, it is actually exhausting. He really hacked me off when he said it was too much, he was the one that made it that way, it was three months of daily texts!!

Smushed genitals has actually buckled me 😂

It’s not that I expect boyfriend treatment but I do expect him to respect me. I do worry about him, he is my friend and I was concerned that something had happened to him when it went from him contacting every day to nothing then he has this ridiculous outburst and I was just like…what the actual!

Yeah quite possibly. If he is doing that then he is playing a dangerous game as I have already drafted a message telling him I’m done with it. Got my thumb hovering over the send button.

How does a gap in texts for a few days translate into disrespect for you?
I am not getting it. He has a life, you do too. You aren’t very consistent yourself you complained that daily texts is too much, and then in the next breath complain that daily texts stopped for a few days, you had it out with him and called him a disgrace so he started daily texting again.

He is blowing hot and cold, but some of that is you fiddling with the knob from heat to air con on your end.

What would happen if you didn’t reply to his daily messages? Match his lowest energy, use him for sex and don’t let emotions get in the way.

That would probably be for the best. Very few people, myself included, can do the FWBs thing without ruining the friendship.

It's meant to be fun. Put him in the bin.

The respect lies with the disappearing, reappearing, getting all heavy then having a go at me as it’s too much. That is disrespectful. I would never do that to anyone.

The lid is lifting on the bin I can tell you 😂

Are men like this nowadays

”Friends with benefits” is a “nowadays” phenomenon, so I suppose you can each be however you like.

I don’t think you get to make the rules except whether you’re in or out.

Sorry I think I need to be clearer.

He was texting every day, disappeared for a bit, I texted to ask if everything was ok, he bit back at me.

Since we patched things up he started with daily messages but now it has dropped back.

He now takes forever to reply to my messages. That is why I asked if that’s what men are like, all or nothing. He starts full on, if I match his energy he drops back.

Wanting respect is down to the disappearing, reappearing etc, that’s not the way to treat someone.

I would never use short, terse responses to indicate I am pissed off and had not really accepted an apology.

I would never interpret a gap in texts for a few days as disrespect or disappearing and then reappearing. You sound like the only acceptable excuse for not texting daily would be a death in the family or in coma in the hospital.

even though daily texts are too much….but you expect them anyway?

I really do not understand what you are looking for from a FWB.
I don’t think he does either

Yes FWB is inconsistent
Yabu
You want relationship style communication

My FWB we text once a week or fortnightly. We meet, go for dinner, drinks etc do the deed, have a great time, say our goodbyes and then get on with our lives until we arrange to meet again.
I’ve engaged in Booty Call arrangement before where it’s much like what you described- inconsistent communication but great sex- and that is the difference. I think you’re in a BC situation and if that’s not what you expected then I would definitely drop him

Expecting daily contact and good morning messages and lots of chatty or deep and meaningful text conversations IS expecting girlfriend treatment. So in that way your expectations are wrong.
BUT you're not wrong to be upset, confused and angry when he went from uber intense regular conversations to nothing then turned it back on you. It's clear that he was going through some stuff and used you as his emotional support for a period, then when he got over it he didn't want to maintain that level of communication. He sounds immature and self absorbed for that. But I think you need to adjust your expectations back down. Daily chats really isn't needed for a FWB. And don't let him use you for emotional support again, next time he has some kind of crisis.

Expecting replies and frequent contact is more than fwb.
Is he dating or coupled up?
Expecting text is silly
If he off loaded to you doesnt mean you have to respond or reply.
Sounds like some messed up hazy set up.
Fwb will never work for anyone.
Respect in a fwb is there any such thing?

As PP’s have said you’re expecting relationship level communication with someone who doesn’t want that or isn’t capable of it. It shouldn’t be this stressful. FWB is meant to be mutually convenient and fun. This sounds like it’s anything but. I’d end it.

Fwb should be only for when you want to sext or to arrange a meet up for sex. No pillow talk or staying over. I did this years ago and it was so uncomplicated as I stuck to the above and so did he.

He's a FWB but you're treating him like a boyfriend! , the constant messaging isn't normal. Sounds suffocating. You're more invested than him, surprised he hasn't ran for the hills , sounds very intense.

I don't understand why you are messaging him. Ignore him. Reply to his texts in a friendly way, then ignore him again. Presumably he's good in bed so if you fancy a shag let him know.