Family tried to take away my autonomy

[twilightleap2023]

I don't know what to put this under, there's no general topic for "family", there's also no rant.

My sister is getting married in the summer. I have to travel to another city so I sorted my transport and hotel early (Feb) to keep the cost down. I was told at the end of last week (aka the end of April!!!) that a hotel room was booked for me as part of a blocked booking in October (!!!).

NO ONE told me anything about this. No one asked me if I wanted to be part of this block booking. No one has offered an apology. All of this makes me feel very angry and upset. I don't know who arranged this, but my parents and my sister and her partner are all culprits (everyone is saying someone else sorted this) and I feel annoyed with all of them. When I asked my mother about this, she tried to turn the blame on me by saying that I should have stayed in the family group chat and I would have known, and I should have asked my sister what the plan was (how can I ask about something I know nothing about?!?!?!). This behavior only made me feel even more hurt and angry.

I am of course keeping the hotel that I did book. But I have to visit my parents next weekend, something I also booked in advance. I don't really feel like seeing them at the moment. What's the best way to approach this?

Block booking rooms for wedding guests is very normal…you can choose not to use it.

This must be part of a bigger picture, otherwise your reaction seems disproportionate. We had the same at a family wedding last year but the booking the family made did actually work better for us. Would you lose money if you joined the family booking, is that a factor?

Why did you leave the group chat?
You seem very angry over something that is easily fixable, you just stay in the hotel you want to

Jesus Christ on a bike, another goady first time post which the Op doesn’t return to. Is someone doing these as a hobby?

One might equally say that it is ridiculous to make arrangements on someone else's behalf and not tell them.

They reserved you a space presumably close to or at the venue. What absolute assholes.

OP you do seem to have overreacted, which probably means there’s more to this than your post.

Just reply to your mum that you have arranged your own accommodation, so whoever booked that room for you needs to cancel it and in the future, perhaps they should check directly with the person they are booking hotel for that they actually need or want them to do that.

If she tries to blame you for not being in the family group chat, just say “but you know I’m not in that so it’s about as sensible as posting a letter to someone else’s house and expecting me to read it.”

Remember you didn’t ask for that room, no one bothered to speak to you about it before booking, so don’t accept it’s your responsibility to cancel or pay for it. Not your problem.

I’m sure you would have been utterly pissed off if they hadn’t booked you a room and left you out!

Read that waiting for the part where they took away you're autonomy but it reads you left a what's app group about planning a wedding and booked your own hotel room.

Why's that a big deal? Doesn't sound like you like them much so maybe it'll suit you better to be in another hotel. If not cancel your booking, tell them you want to be involved and chill out.

Surely it's poor communication on your part in that you left the group, at worst it's poor communication that they didn't tell you, but bit sure how you expected them too given you'd left the group. Presumably they've got a lot of plan not just sleeping arrangements.

You could of been just as offended if you'd found out they'd all booked to stay together and not included you.

Autonomy is the ability to make free, uncoerced decisions. I don't think it applies to a hotel room booking that was presumably made for three reasons:

• to save costs
• to ensure rooms were available for close family on the dates needed
• to make transport arrangements easier

They didn't mention it to you until this month, but it's still six months away from the wedding, so presumably time for changes to be made as needed. You say you want to stay with your original booking - fine. They can either cancel your room - or if not possible/refundable - offer it to another family member. Also, you yourself have had two whole months to inform them that you have booked a room - information works in both directions.

I don't think telling you six months ahead of time constitutes keeping information hidden from you, let alone overriding your autonomy. In fact you are maintaining your own decision if you choose to stay with your original booking and no one is taking that away from you.

I agree with others that these all seems a massive amount of drama over a hotel room - it certainly wouldn't make me angry and upset - but sounds like there is probably a back story that will be dripfed later on in the thread if you're not part of the family messaging group and you have had this extreme of a reaction.

Someone booked you a room, and you’re pissed off?

So you didn't tell them when you booked something?
I find that just as odd as them booking for you without mentioning it.

I honestly don't know what you're so angry about, OP. It's very normal for immediate family (sometimes other guests, depending on the size of the wedding and venue) to stay in the same hotel as the bride and groom, so it's not unreasonable to think you may have asked your own sister about the plan. You didn't, you've sorted accommodation you find acceptable, which you plan to stay in. So what's the problem? You should have just politely said, 'thank you, but I wanted to book early, so I've already arranged something.' The room they have held for you can then either be cancelled or offered to someone else in the party. This is a total non issue and no one is trying to take away your autonomy.

So what if they hadn’t booked a room for you? Would you be posting on here pissed off that they’d ignored you?

Why did you leave the group chat ? You sound like DS age 17 muting the group WhatsApp for extended family chats then being surprised he didn’t know what was going on.

I have to visit my parents next weekend, something I also booked in advance. I don't really feel like seeing them at the moment. What's the best way to approach this?

I would go with a bright and breezy approach, try to avoid a heavy argument. Don't accuse or blame them, and don't get drawn into justifying or explaining yourself. Simply stick to what you want the outcome to be and don't give in. Keep changing the subject.
e.g.
"Oh I have already got a room in another hotel, thanks for the offer. Shall we go for a walk after lunch?"
"No, sadly it is non refundable. I will be staying there. Have you heard from X neighbour lately?"
"It is only X minutes away from the venue, I am happy with that. What do you think of this new pair of shoes?"
"Well, as I've said, I will be staying at the hotel I've booked. How was your weekend away?"