Family tried to take away my autonomy

[twilightleap2023]

I don't know what to put this under, there's no general topic for "family", there's also no rant.

My sister is getting married in the summer. I have to travel to another city so I sorted my transport and hotel early (Feb) to keep the cost down. I was told at the end of last week (aka the end of April!!!) that a hotel room was booked for me as part of a blocked booking in October (!!!).

NO ONE told me anything about this. No one asked me if I wanted to be part of this block booking. No one has offered an apology. All of this makes me feel very angry and upset. I don't know who arranged this, but my parents and my sister and her partner are all culprits (everyone is saying someone else sorted this) and I feel annoyed with all of them. When I asked my mother about this, she tried to turn the blame on me by saying that I should have stayed in the family group chat and I would have known, and I should have asked my sister what the plan was (how can I ask about something I know nothing about?!?!?!). This behavior only made me feel even more hurt and angry.

I am of course keeping the hotel that I did book. But I have to visit my parents next weekend, something I also booked in advance. I don't really feel like seeing them at the moment. What's the best way to approach this?

Why are you so angry? Why did you not participate in the family chat - obviously there would be loads about the wedding and plans and as you are immediate family this would include you. You really are being unreasonable here.

They were trying to help you OP. Remember that. They didn’t want you to get left out and wanted you to be close to the rest of the family. If they booked for everyone and left you out wouldn’t it be worse? You don’t have to stay there if you don’t want to.

It also sounds like this was discussed on the group chat which you are not part of by choice. If that’s the case you have to accept that that choice means you will sometimes miss information like this 🤷‍♀️

Your post is very strange. You seem annoyed by them but unwilling to engage in conversation with your family.

When you booked your hotel accommodation for the wedding, why did you not ask your parents where everyone else was staying before going ahead and booking it?

Why are you not in the family WhatsApp group?
Are you upset by your sister getting all the attention because she’s the one getting married?

No rant?

You sure about that??

Seems to be very dramatic for an action that just requires a "no thanks, I have a room booked"

Yes I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time, OP. Largely because other people’s problems are so easily sorted out from a distance. It’s not so much the room, as the fact that no one bothered to let you know. Somehow you have to find a way to keep on speaking terms, remembering that what you want to avoid is ending up with two rooms or no rooms

You are being ridiculous. Taking away your autonomy is dramatic and laughable.
They were doing a good thing and getting your room sorted. This is normal at block booked events.

No one has taken away your autonomy.

Someone has made a hotel booking with their credit or debit card. They have a contract with the hotel: you do not.

You’re unwilling to change hotel, so that person will need to cancel the booking, transfer it to someone else in the wedding party, and / or pay any resulting financial charges. Not your problem: theirs.

It's just an oversight, they probably forgot you weren't in the group chat.

Your response to them having done what is actually a decent thing is odd. I get that it's a bit inconvenient now you've made other plans and something will need to be cancelled, but it's not even close to a disaster. Is there a reason you want to distance yourself from them/this event?

Do you struggle with communication issues in general OP? I’m sorry, but it’s your behaviour that is coming across as strange here, not your family’s.

When I asked my mother about this, she tried to turn the blame on me by saying that I should have stayed in the family group chat and I would have known, and I should have asked my sister what the plan was (how can I ask about something I know nothing about?!?!?!). This behavior only made me feel even more hurt and angry.

Why do you say you knew nothing about the planning? It surely can’t have come as a surprise that family members would be booking accommodation for the occasion? For this sort of family event it would be more usual for you to have checked with them regarding accommodation plans before booking your own hotel.

This all sounds completely over the top - they booked a hotel room for you.

It’s not OK to book hotel rooms (with one’s own card) ‘for’ people without their prior agreement, especially (but not only) if asking them to pay in full for the room.

You can’t live a happy life if this is how you react to situations. Good god what a drama over nothing.

Hotels usually offer cancellation up to 48 hours in advance so a temporary or tentative booking is better than leaving a family member out imho. They can finalise numbers later. The wedding sounds like it’s a couple of months away or more.

If the OP has left her family’s group chat, that’s probably where the notification took place.

Much depends on the wider situation and backstory. If for example the backstory is that OP’s family is a ‘Stately Homes’ one, OP’s ‘over reaction’ makes sense.

@pinkdelight no need for personal insults and ablism

This does seem like a big overreaction OP, unless there is some sort of back story or other context.

Why did you leave the family group chat?

It's a hotel room. We can't react to every thread as though the OP has a whole stately homes backstory. What she's said is: NO ONE told me anything about this. No one asked me if I wanted to be part of this block booking. No one has offered an apology. All of this makes me feel very angry and upset. My response was based on that and not on a whole other post that's in your head.

Is the wedding taking place at that hotel? I don't think it's unusual for the people who are booking the wedding (the bride/groom and parents if they are involved in the planning) to be offered to do a group booking on rooms for immediate family before other guests get their invite and book rooms too.

Oh well, these things happen. It wouldn't occur to me that this was anything other than miscommunication on the part of your family, which happens to everyone at some point Seems bizarre to be using words like "culprits", "hurt and angry"? It's not that kind of situation. People often do block book hotel rooms for close family weddings.

Either cancel your booked hotel room or tell them to cancel the one they've booked for you. You're an adult (presumably) so just decide which way you want to go rather than throwing a bizarre tantrum.

I thought by the title that you are high functioning ND and they decided to take your independent life from you and lock you up somewhere based on false accusations.....Be careful how you use words.

I don’t know you but I can say two things with almost certainty-

1. If they had not made a room booking for you as part of a group booking, you’d be complaining about that and being “left out”.

2. Your family are exhausted.

What's the best way to approach this?
By calming down obviously

Your sister is getting a big discount by booking a certain # of hotel rooms. You are subsidizing her costs by staying in their chosen hotel and your family is pushing you to do this. You could have told them when you booked your room that you had a room already booked and not to include you. Lack of communication is going both ways here.

Keep whichever room is cheaper and do your thing. If you don't want to see your parents this weekend, tell them something's come up.