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Original poster

Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

237 replies

fleurblu · Yesterday 04:53

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

OP posts:
Lyra25 · Today 20:45

AtBeaverGoat · Yesterday 07:04

I was that man who worked for 25 years and put everyone else’s needs before mine, including my partners, got to my 50s and was almost told no you cannot do what you want because we are going to do this or the other, or something else that I didn’t actually want to do - or go this place or that place not because you actually want to but because we said we would to be polite.
sod that- unhappy relationship over - new life chapter beginning, new house , new relationship with no expectations either way- more men should do but too many just plod along being unhappy and grumpy as you have found out

Show quote history

A lot of women feel the same way in mid life, having been burdened with care responsibilities and work and house and partner etc. when mid life is busy, it’s men and women who feel they have little time for themselves.
I don’t think that can be the sole reason for the breakdown in your marriage, as that’s something universally felt. Either people get sick of the job they’ve done for their adult lives or they are sick of caring for everyone at their own expense, or both.

QueenElle · Today 20:48

Bluemoon1650 · Today 20:23

Read this thread with some interest as a 45M, who's been fighting this to a degree. I've noticed for the last couple of years I have to actively fight against being irritable and disillusioned a lot of the time, despite having a great partner and cushty life on paper. I have had depression on and off throughout adulthood, but I feel this is a mostly seperate issue - more like a personality change...that I don't like. Definitely getting more "set in my ways", being rigid, and wanting my own space more (and this is without children..).

I believe the biggest change for me has been giving up sport through age/injury. It left a large hole socially and physically. If I don't wear myself out like a dog at least a few times a week, these issues worsen fast. So I've made exercise, sleep, and a decent diet paramount - helps tons.
But there is an overall feeling of jadedness, and I've felt a distinct lack of zest for new experiences.

Mens test doesn't drop that fast (about 1% a year from 30-40) so it's unlikely that reason for most. Unless was low to start with.

My opinion is for most of us we are simply not living in accordance with our biology. We need hard physical graft often, and far more in person connection than we get.
Wfh consistently is definitely terrible for mental health also, imo.

Other than that we are all in the grind, and not relishing working until we possibly drop. It takes its toll on all.

You’ve put this so well, and this is what my husband says. I think his hit earlier and possibly harder because of the undiagnosed ADHD but he said the men he’s working with in the charity feel lost. The attraction to fast cars, mad nights out and excitement fades as age creeps in. They are no longer doing crazy things, most don’t do as much sport, the more senior jobs they’ve moved into don’t provide the banter and physical graft etc and it’s absence leaves the biggest holes. Mine also felt surplus to requirement in our home which was totally his own doing as he’d allowed me to carry the majority of our life admin and bring up our DC, and he suddenly realised he was a bit of an outsider.

It all seems to come together as life naturally starts to slow down a bit and has a massive impact.

theadultsaretalking · Today 20:58

@LightDrizzle

You literally described my husband, who is the same age - I am a few years younger. I would also add his complete inability to deal with any change of plans that hasn't been initiated by him. And mine is also swinging weirdly to the right politically after years of voting Lib Dems.

This is so out of character, and I am dreading what will happen when our youngest flies the nest.

Julimia · Today 20:59

Oh goodness what a one sided point of view. How do the men feel? It takes two to tango you know.

Bluemoon1650 · Today 21:15

QueenElle · Today 20:48

You’ve put this so well, and this is what my husband says. I think his hit earlier and possibly harder because of the undiagnosed ADHD but he said the men he’s working with in the charity feel lost. The attraction to fast cars, mad nights out and excitement fades as age creeps in. They are no longer doing crazy things, most don’t do as much sport, the more senior jobs they’ve moved into don’t provide the banter and physical graft etc and it’s absence leaves the biggest holes. Mine also felt surplus to requirement in our home which was totally his own doing as he’d allowed me to carry the majority of our life admin and bring up our DC, and he suddenly realised he was a bit of an outsider.

It all seems to come together as life naturally starts to slow down a bit and has a massive impact.

Show quote history

Pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD, too. Know loads say it these days, but it's pretty apparent. Have recently returned to an old hobby and am "all in" at the mo - which has helped mood but Iis doing my partners head in a bit, lol. It'll pass.

Yes - I stopped a more socialable/physical job, to start my own business - which has been more fulfilling but also more isolating. So quite isolated on the male company front. My intolerance has also made me not want to spend time with existing local friends. I still put on a good face in company, but some seem almost content in their mardiness, and totally unaware of how they present. My mother is the same so it's a trigger point, and why I'm so determined for it not to be my fate.

QueenElle · Today 21:16

Julimia · Today 20:59

Oh goodness what a one sided point of view. How do the men feel? It takes two to tango you know.

Some men have commented and some women have added how their DH/DP have said they feel, so I think posts like this are actually quite helpful. Some women may be struggling in their marriages and think it’s just them but reality is that it’s quite a common thing which needs communication and understanding.

hypnovic · Today 21:20

Kinfluencer · Yesterday 09:14

Wrong
Women go to the GP and ask for help if they feel anxious,depressed and irritable
They exercise, check their diet and prioritise sleep and themselves
This is where the enlightening starts
You do all this and are faced with men who just blame you and others around them for everything
Theres no self awareness

Show quote history

Yes this, and the women wont do it all for them anymore

gannett · Today 21:35

I believe the biggest change for me has been giving up sport through age/injury.

I think this is really important. DP and I have had a taste of it lately - injuries that have kept both of us off our preferred sports for way too long, because they just don't heal as quickly as they did 10 years ago. Personally, I found my mental health plummeted as well as my physical fitness - the uncertainty over rehabbing the injury and getting back to normal, the fear that this is just the start of injury after injury and the inevitable decline. And it's hard to switch to a different sport or exercise - I run because it suits me perfectly and I've got to a certain standard in it, and I'd find it very difficult to become a beginner again.

I'm not surprised at all that men (and women!) who are forced to quit their preferred sport because of injury struggle mentally.

Bossbear · Today 21:35

LightDrizzle · Today 16:30

I agree with you OP, as a tendency, and not a rule.

My DH is 62 and increasingly grumpy and critical. This applies to the world and everyone in and includes me, there are special rules for me.

On balance he is a very good man and a good husband, and I have annoying traits. However he has definitely changed in the last few years for the worse in this respect and others have noticed it. Some of it is exaggeration of inherent character flaws like inability to say sorry and a tendency to respond to the smallest implied criticism or request with a tit for tat attack.

The most common thing, undramatic, but it really colours life, is that if he mishears something or misunderstands something I say or mistakes the context or disagrees with it, and I’m talking about the most trivial things, he reacts immediately as if I’ve squatted and curled one off on the floor and if I or anyone else points out his mistake there is no apology. He literally stops dead, scowling and looks at me with disgusted incredulity. Even when he’s right and I have got the day we saw Jess and Lucas wrong in a sentence like - When we saw Jess and Lucas on Tuesday they were so … - his reaction is completely disproportionate. In the reverse situation I’d either say something like - Oh! I thought it was Wednesday because I was out at my class on Tuesday - or, more likely I’d not even bother correcting him because it’s not usually material to the conversation whether it was Tuesday or Wednesday. I know a lot of couples who bicker about this kind of minutiae in front of other people and I never get it when it’s not important to what they relating. Whenever I talk to him about this I point out he’d never react that way with his friends.

It’s got to the point that I’ll let him miss an exit on the motorway rather than tell him we need to take it when he’s obviously not noticed. We once had a tense exchange of this nature when he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t understand why his suggestion of when we’d watch a match would work. He got increasingly agitated and scornful until I finally got the space to explain it in a way that it clicked (involved an international time difference) and then it’s just an Oh! and a look of mild irritation. No acknowledgment of what a dick he’d been or that he was wrong and I was right.

He frequently nitpicks and comments negatively about minor things I do that he also does, but if I point out the bigger pile of “shit” he has beside his bed but on the floor not on the bedside table then he escalates and brings up historic complaints. He’d lose his mind the other way round.

Things that apply generally:

  • Short fuse and ranting about minor day to day annoyances
  • Occasional mean and uncalled for remarks about or to people who don’t deserve it; people who have annoyed him on the road or in a street or shop. We are both quite sweary but expressively rather than critically and I do pick him up when he describes someone as a stupid bitch because they’ve walked across a supermarket car park without looking. It’s the venom that takes me aback. It’s not just directed at women. It might be stupid cunt or stupid old/fat cunt if it’s a man. It’s occasional but pretty awful.
  • Increased stubbornness
  • Increased dismissiveness of things that don’t interest him or that he doesn’t like, so he can’t just say “No. I didn’t get on with Traitors” it will be “I tried but I can’t be doing with that reality shit and the morons who go on it.” totally shutting it down and by implication insulting the taste of everyone else in the room who has just said it’s amazing. Presumably all the reality TV he does watch like DIY SOS are the apogee of cultural sophistication and populated with geniuses.

That turned into a rant. Thank god he hasn’t gone down the conspiracy theory route or started foaming at the mouth about immigrants like some seem to.

I know plenty of men in a similar age bracket who haven’t done this but quite a few who have. It’s hard to know though because you’d only see this side of DH if you spent a LOT of time with him and me. If you played paddle with him once a week and had a few drinks after you wouldn’t recognise most of my description. That annoys me because it means he has awareness that it’s not nice and he mostly reserves it for strangers or for me, his wife.

This sounds really miserable, bordering on emotional abuse. Are you going to stay in the marriage?

Bluemoon1650 · Today 21:48

gannett · Today 21:35

I believe the biggest change for me has been giving up sport through age/injury.

I think this is really important. DP and I have had a taste of it lately - injuries that have kept both of us off our preferred sports for way too long, because they just don't heal as quickly as they did 10 years ago. Personally, I found my mental health plummeted as well as my physical fitness - the uncertainty over rehabbing the injury and getting back to normal, the fear that this is just the start of injury after injury and the inevitable decline. And it's hard to switch to a different sport or exercise - I run because it suits me perfectly and I've got to a certain standard in it, and I'd find it very difficult to become a beginner again.

I'm not surprised at all that men (and women!) who are forced to quit their preferred sport because of injury struggle mentally.

Yes totally this.

I played football at a good amateur level for 30 years, and also run football groups. Thought I'd play vets until 50 odd. Then got one injury after another, then arthritis in both feet. Now can't even walk without a level of pain - it could be far worse but I just didn't see it coming!
As you say, you expect a certain standard of yourself, then not being able to particulate at all suddenly is just plain depressing.
I've started cycling and lifting weights, and it fills the void to an extent, but just doesn't tick the same boxes. Nor does going down the pub instead of playing sport or going fishing with mates.

I hope you've got plenty of jogging left in you!

Lookingdownthebarrell · Today 21:59

Interesting discussion. I am curious to know if these are men in long marriages when they get to late 40/50s? Or a mix of those in newer relationships also.

DH and I are both on our second 10-year marriage. He has had a couple or so arsey moments and I told him exactly what I thought. He is a self reflective type and I believe he is not and won’t be getting to the type of behaviours mentioned here. But who knows what male menopause may come up!

DangerousAlchemy · Today 22:09

bumptybum · Yesterday 07:15

Men’s testosterone drops around that age. Lowered testosterone increases low mood, annciety and depression.
We understand the effects of lowering hormones on women. Men also have changes. Typically not as dramatic but enough to cause irritability and grumpiness. More needs to be done here. We need to be looking at male HRT

secondly many women may be calm, straight and reasonable to their friends. But they also can become detached, asexual and snappy with their partners.

you have acknowledged menopause and perimenopause but have sort of brushed that aside. I know I am far less connected a lot of he time. Not just theory my dh who is lovely. But also with my adult dc. I just honestly want to be left alone a lot of the time and I’m aware they haven’t done anything wrong it’s me change I’ve shifted.

Unless people are genuinely willing to look at the entire cocktail of changes and how that impacts both men and women, there was always going to be this his fault/her fault Default blame game. Doesn’t serve anyone

True the male menopause is a real thing but I'm 50 & I've spent a few years getting HRT sorted along with blood tests and taking in stool samples for the IBS I seem to have developed ie I've been sorting out my health and doing what I can to stop the worse symptoms of my perimenopause. Taking magnesium before bed, iron tablets & collagen plus menopace supplements going to yoga. My DH never sees the doctor, refuses to take any supplements, drinks too much and has a low sex drive (I want sex far more often than he does). So I'm putting the effort into our marriage I feel and he isn't. He's not necessarily grumpy but he's stubborn and set in his ways & loves to be alone and no longer seems to care about what clothes he wears or his apoearance. he wfh all the time too which doesnt help. In my friendship groups my female friends all around 50 are making far more effort with their marriages than their partners are. I can see why women around 50 want a change. To live alone. To get rid of the grumpy old man they're suddenly married to.

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