Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

I have a friend who is 10 years older than me. She warned me not to let DP get grumpy and miserable as she said all men get grumpy and miserable if you let them.

I’ve noticed she was right. DP got to late 40s and turned into a moaning git. Every time he moans, I remind him he won the lottery when he met me as I’ve improved his life so much that he needs to shut up, count his blessings and get on with life.

He has to have a brief sulk and then comes out of it and is fine. Those grumpy times seem more frequent now though (he is 52).

I call it the manopause!

What kind of help ?

I totally agree.... it's people, not just men. We all get a bit grumpy in middle age, for all the obvious reasons. Yes, some men might be "difficult", but so are some women!
So whilst a husband hitting the bottle or having an affair is worrying, what's wrong with him having hobbies or getting a motorbike? We all need a bit of fun in life, not to mention a certain ability to compromise!

You’re exactly right. I hear this all the time. I do think it is the hormonal change we go through that makes us see them for exactly what they are. We’re not softened by the drive to nurture these men. I can’t tolerate most of them these days.

I can relate to this. DH was always the calm, reasonable one in our relationship. Now, late 40’s he’s so grumpy. Flies off the handle with the teenagers all the time and has literally no patience for anyone or anything. Also incredibly selfish with his time.

On paper, everything is fine. His parents are well, we live a very comfortable life with no money worries at all, our kids are flying, he is at the peak of his career and I’m the one who takes all the mental load of family life whilst working full time.

It’s as though he’s the one who’s perimenopausal, not me!

I’m here to say that it doesn’t get better when you are past middle age. We are 76 and argue all the time for the reasons stated. Yesterday I thought of the perfect nickname for my husband, “joy-sucker.” One of my friends randomly said I am always ebullient, but my husband is a complete wet blanket, shows no interest and initiates nothing. He is becoming more and more like his father and I am depressed at the idea that he’ll never change because miracles don’t happen.

So much this.

I'm in your age group & similar circle but male. I see the complete opposite tbh. With the prevalent issue being female menopause & several friends male & female admitting if it wasn't for treatment it was divorce time.

In fairness I do know others not menopause related as the friction started much earlier & where the husbands have definitely stuck around for the kids & not much love there, so as the kids get grown & flown perhaps one side will declare enough.

Sounds like hell to me, you only get one life & kids shouldn't have to grow up in a hostile environment & that two calmer happier households are better than one war zone, but that's just my take & I know one is certain he'd be like one of the dad's for justice lot & have access nightmares & has definitely stayed in an unhappy situation because of that.

At some stage around aged 48 men realise that they are not the most special boy in the world, as their Mammy said they were, and this leads to resentment and frustration.
But of course the next generation of men who will reach this disappointment and resentment are being brought up by the women who resent the men who they are with at 48.

This is often the age when men really start showing their true colours. Have spent years being distracted and fully occupied by work and providing for the family.

Now they have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. And can't cope.
Poor things.

This can work both ways.

Hormone replacement. I will be on it until the day I die--love it. Check out Dr. Robert Yoho on Substack. I think he wrote about male hormone replacement (as well as female). And he wrote a book "Hormone Secrets".

I am very lucky that DH has got better, not worse with age. I think partly because once I got to the “no fucks to give” stage I started calling him out on any behaviour I thought was unreasonable instead of staying quiet and keeping the peace like I had done for years, and also the fact that when he was 50 I got a particularly nasty kind of breast cancer and he was absolutely terrified that he would lose me. I wouldn’t recommend it as a solution but it is nice being older and living with a thoughtful man who pulls his weight and looks after me so well. Man sulks and petulance are a thing of the past. It’s not surprising that so many women get divorced older in life these days just unfortunate that earlier life choices leave so many financially disadvantaged.

DH is 50, he had a crisis over whether he wanted to do his job anymore a few years ago but tbh I completely understood that. But he’s basically been himself the entire time. To be fair though, he’s the least selfish or self indulgent person I’ve ever met…me on the other hand with peri…not so brilliant. Think it depends on the man really. I think the fact that we have a young child probably helps, he still feels he has a job to do there maybe, so he has a life project on the go, plus his work is really interesting and challenging.

I do think women often expect men to behave like women. They’re not like us. It’s hard to be a human and I think it must be very hard to be an ordinary middle aged man. Not because life is unfair to them but because they can’t achieve what they really want.
So I’m happy with security and having enough. Men are often not. They are wired to compete and seek status and can never be satisfied.

Better to accept how different we often are and be philosophical about it. Get together to raise a family then go your separate ways. I don’t think many men will become happy on their own but at least they won’t be imposing on a woman.

I’m happily single at 60. Ex became a pastiche of a mid life crisis fool. But he’s enjoyed the silly car, chasing women and buying all sorts of cool shit to impress people. He’s depressed and unwell and alone now and needs a lot of help from me and the DC.

It’s a shame that so many people will go into later life without the security and support of a lifelong partner. But we have choices now that religious and social pressures don’t force us to stay together. Let your grumpy partner go it alone and enjoy your later years in peace.

I don't recognise this at all. I went through the menopause at 42, just after my last (4th baby) I had horrendous side effects. I'm 75, and the hot flushes haven't long subsided. DH is 7 years younger. We have always led a pretty simple life. I used to say to friends "my idea of a good time,is a cream tea"!. We have similar views,outlooks, hobbies. I retired 10 years ago,him 4. My older dks Adore him (oldest DD has just bought him a Father's day present,last year she took us both for lunch. She is only 23 years younger than him.We've been married almost 27 years, together 37. Yes, sometimes he irritates the hell out of me (he says the same of me!) You know the wine glass on the dishwasher!!! All my friends are long time married,my late parents were, just parted by death..my late father used to say "You get one life, this is it, it's not the Dress Rehearsal, make the most of it". It appears that with more money more privilege comes more dissatisfaction. I met him at work, the say "the couple who work together,play together,stay together".

DD is 13 years younger than DH, not 23.

Argh DH is fab and cheerful at 49 hope he doesn’t change Kevin the teenager style into a grumpy git when he hits 50!

What saves him is his absolute passion for his sport. He spends a lot of time faffing with his bike and planning and doing epic rides. This is actually fine by me gets him out of the house. Dread to think what he would be like without this though.

You want separate homes but not divorce?

how would that work, surely you are talking about divorce

Couples can just outgrow each other. Once the children are offhand, there seems to be little left.

I left my first husband when I was 46 after a lot of years. No abuse, no bad tempers, no change in anything - I just wanted a different life. I was bored with him. Simple as that.

I remarried later, and had a lot of happy years, until he died, with my second husband.

It’s not always men that are to ‘blame’. 🤷‍♀️

@OrdinaryGirl This with bells on!

unfortunately grace was never my strong suit haha

well well well. looks like there are all kinds of experiences out there. good and bad. it's almost like some peoples' experiences are not the general rule they thought it was. could it be that we are all different and the responsibility is on everyone not just the men as a whole? the more you know

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men.

But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’.

Sounds exactly like all the peri threads to me. Could it possibly be that getting grumpier as one ages is actually something both men and women do?!

@gannett - my point is it strikes me that, at this age - women are less tolerant towards shitty behaviour, yes.

But it’s the men who are behaving in a shitty way 😂