No Contact why are Parents always painted as the guilty party?

[Nanjizel]

I would like to hear attitudes to a child who has gone no contact. While I have had no contact for 40 months my child age indicates that this is a fairly recent decision. In the overlapping time span I have a relative who has suffered from aggresive cancer I am now preparing for their death. I cant help making comparisons with someone who is dying and someone who isn't but whom I feel is dead to me. I understand that my child may have numerous grievances with my parenting approach. This subject has an abundance of text online describing all forms of cruelty to Children during their development. What is minimal is the advice for the parent who has been thrown under the bus. Is blood really thicker than water? If I encountered someone who behaved like this our interaction would be minimal at best. Why do I have to accept narasistic gaslighting and selfishness? I am aware that a better relationship would lift my associated depression, but that's not going to happen. Over the last 40 months I have made numerous attemps to contact, calls. cards, emails and gifts all received no response. I am preparing to draw a line in the sand when my relative passes away and end all involvement with the child in question. Treat both people as deceased I have other children and this course of action will most likely have a negative relationship I have with my other children. The impact of not reaching out to me to discuss the family member in pallative care is shocking as I believe the silent ones grievance is miniscule in comparison to what the person is suffering with and the conversations their having to have with their family.
Without conversation there no solution, this comparisson between the unwell and the healthy is a real line that can't be forgiven, I think it defines selfishness!

Are you saying that one of your children has cut contact with you? How old are they, and how long has it been since you’ve been in touch with them? Sorry to hear about your relative with cancer. It wasn’t clear why your child needs to discuss that with you, is it their other parent?

Maybe take a good long hard look in the mirror - if your child has gone non contact I'd pay good money that there was abuse involved, either you abused them or you failed as a parent to protect them from abuse from another family member.

It would help if the post made sense to read because I’m lost. If your child has cut contact you need to take a look at yourself

Why do I have to accept narasistic gaslighting and selfishness?

If they’re not communicating with you how are they being these things?

Hey @Rainbowunicorn...that'sreally unfair. Unfortunately I'm in a position where my daughter is calling me toxic and accusing her of being depressed. I am a great mum. I'm not going into details as it would derail the thread but please understand that OP is probably heartbroken about this and probably has done nothing wrong.

What is your child’s problem? Are they saying you were/are a bad parent? Is there any truth to their claims?

Have they told you why they have went NC?

Harsh and unfair. Without more context we don’t know. Adult children can be as equally capable of being toxic as their parents. I think generally parents are held to account more because it’s assumed it’s the parenting that’s driven the NC when that’s not necessarily the case.

People will blame the parents because they don’t want to think it could happen to them. Easier to think this way than accept that it could happen to them.

In my lived experience an adult child will only go no contact as a very VERY last resort. The fact you bring your other kids into even one post screams at me that you are trying to prove something to yourself.

I confess to living in an age in which if you don't go along with your child sterilising and mutilating themselves because the internet has persuaded them they're born in the wrong body, you'll be branded a bigot and your child will be encouraged to cut all contact with you.

Not saying that's what's happened here, but your "no smoke without fire" attitude is ridiculous.

Well you just proved OP's point didn't you! I have a family member who went NC for a few years now back in touch. If he hadn't fallen on hard times we probably never would've heard from him again. But he was fine to come begging back when he needed my parents help! He cut all of us off even me and my grandparents at the time. I can't explain the circumstances of why it happened as it's potentially outing but there was no abuse involved at all and his problem was something that happened in adulthood between family members not childhood. So no it's not always the parents fault.

https://www.rejectedparents.net/help-that-blames-when-therapy-for-estranged-parents-goes-wrong/

I don’t think she can actually explain why but it should go some way to counter all the crap you’re going to get on this from for recognizing this in public.

Me, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and not trust anyone to have a centered reaction. It is a subject rife with blame and projection. Even, as Sheri writes, supposed professionals. My heart goes out to you.

You say that you are receiving narcissistic gaslighting and selfishness, and yet you have continually tried to force contact for 40 months.

Maybe the call is coming from inside the house and you should leave them alone.

Would you take a bet from my mum, she could use the cash? My brother went no contact with her after she started refusing to give him money. I got ditched for the same reason, as did our sister and just about every member of the extended family and all his old friends. He's an addict and heroin is his only friend now.

I'm really sorry about your relative who is suffering from cancer OP. That is a very very difficult thing to have to deal with .
However it is impossible to comment on the situation with your child deciding to go no contact without knowing why they have decided to take that decision. You may think their grievance is " miniscule" but they obviously don't.

I understand that my child may have numerous grievances with my parenting approach. This subject has an abundance of text online describing all forms of cruelty to Children during their development.

It sounds like they’ve told you what the issues are then. Stop trying to force contact.

Your post is unclear and confusing, and raises many questions. You would probably benefit from talking to a counsellor.

I'm pretty sure that most of the parents whose children have gone 'no contact' with them for valid reasons will say that they were great parents and that they have done nothing wrong.

No experience of this but nc over any little thing seems to be a big movement online at the moment. Just another part of a wider attack on the nuclear family.

I’m NC with my mother after years of abuse. She would tell you a very different story…

I do have a friend whose DD went NC with her for really vague reasons that didn’t make sense to anyone. It does happen.

What explanation do you think your DD would give if she was posting OP?

I don’t understand this post. If your child is refusing to talk to you, despite all your attempts to reach out, because they feel damaged in some way by your parenting, you can’t force them to speak to you. Have you tried making amends? An apology? Or do you believe there’s nothing to apologise for? Because if it’s the latter, you’re not going to ‘win’ this. Sometimes you have to choose between your own ego and having a relationship with your child. Accusing them of being selfish and gaslighting you will not facilitate the latter.

How can you possibly say she “probably” has done nothing wrong? Even if you take a completely open mind and say we can’t know what has gone on here (which would be accurate) there’s no reason to think she is probably in the right.

I know a family where the adult son is NC with both parents, and it’s absolutely the son who is the problem, so I’m not someone who thinks it’s always the parent.

It sounds very sad. I do think that trying to work out who is to blame won’t really get you anywhere. I agree with the pp who suggested some counselling. I hope you find peace and reconcile in the future.