(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

The youngest is only 3 yrs old, they are very young from what Pink Poet has said, all quite normal for them to be wandering in and out in the morning.

It’s terrifying they could walk in on their mum being sexually assaulted or raped. I think that it suits her abuser for that to be possible as he probably thinks it’s another motivation for her to ‘give in’ and get it over with in case they witness something like that. It’s a very real possibility though if children can get into a bedroom and that if rape is occurring in that bedroom, that they could witness it. I’m sorry OP x

I was wondering if they've already heard their mum being raped/ coerced from the other side of the door. Utterly heartbreaking if this is the case.

@augustusglupe I seem to recall that you were one of the people who piled on to the OP on her last thread. I’d respectfully ask you to think carefully before doing the same here.

Plenty of young children walk into their parents bedroom unannounced. And it’s evident that Poet’s husband, whilst being a deplorable rapist, at least has the sense to leave her alone when the children are in the room.

We’re all thinking of you Poet and how very brave you’ve been in recent weeks. I’m concerned that your husband will come home later tonight and expect sex. Please do everything you can to keep yourself safe.

I remember very clearly hearing my mum saying No, get off, NO and then a slap. And then sexual sounds from my father. From the other side of the wall.

I was 4.

And yes he was abusive in every way.

Yes I know it’s perfectly normal. Worrying in that house though.

Well done poet, you have come such a long way, growing your sense of self and understanding of the man you have married, and his abhorrent behaviour towards you. You are growing stronger and more in control. I’m not religious but I’m sending alternate prayers and good hippy wishes your way. Keep going.

All of this talk about what the children can hear is really unhelpful to Poet.

The reality is they aren’t hearing anything as poet freezes or fawns.

Commenting about what they can hear is making it more likely she will continue to do these things not only for her own safety but also now due to people saying her children might be able to hear her resistance. How exactly is that helpful?

Children could hear and be scarred by all sorts of things. I remember as an older child being absolutely mortified when I heard my parents having sex and there was nothing abusive about it, the sounds were just awful and confusing.

It’s not what the children can hear from the bedroom that’s currently the most concerning. It’s what’s actually happening to Poet in the bedroom and the subsequent effect on her emotional, mental and physical health. The priority is supporting her to make small steps to make herself safer.

Yes I am worried that if I continue to say no he will force me again. He’s said he wouldn’t do it again but I feel his behaviour doesn’t show me that he means that.

I don’t want to ever be back in that position, crying in the dark and unable to get away. It was so upsetting and I was really shocked at the time as it was so unexpected.

Hi OP! I left my abuser some time ago now and I went through the motions. I had everyone telling me to just leave etc but I had nothing. I googled an exit plan and so I saved some money waiter til he went to work and left that way. It was hard and scary and I could have thought of 1000 reasons to stay. But only 1 solid one to leave and that was so the kids had a mummy in the future. I’m sure he would have killed me, or I may have killed myself. I Leo had sexual and financial abuse wrapped up in my experience. It’s dreadful. I’m here to support you and no shame or judgement because I have been there with my kids.

please be careful that he cannot find your phone and read your messages

I don’t think so . I’m always listening out for them and the youngest has a baby monitor still. I do try and be quiet though for this reason.

This is also his excuse for waking me up in the night or very early in the morning so they are less likely to disturb us

This is such a sad way to live 💐
Worrying most days about being raped in your own home by the person who is supposed to love you.
How can you bear to look him in the face each day? He makes my skin crawl just thinking of him.
I really hope you are safe and have the strength to leave him soon. You are worth so much more and nothing can be worse than living in this fear constantly.

I'm glad to hear this (if glad is the right word?). My apologies, I wasn't meaning to be harsh or to say this as criticism, just that it's an awful situation for you and your children to be in.

I do try and be quiet though for this reason

..:: trying to be quiet while being raped so the kids don’t hear is quite possibly the saddest thing I ever read on MN 🥺
Seriously Poet - what can be worse than this … really?

Agree. So very sad to read. Wish I could somehow step in and help.

It seems very strange I know but the only emotion I feel towards him is just sad that he would do that, and a bit of fear.

I don’t feel disgust or anger. I still love him which is part of the type of relationship we have where he can do very bad things and I still want him to love me.

Yes, and I do understand your frustration, but it's not going to achieve anything to browbeat Poet with that sort of thing. It's not going to make her have an epiphany and leave him on the spot - it'll only put her off coming back and seeking support and encouragement from this thread, and that's entirely counterproductive.

Nobody is perfect, but Poet is doing her best to protect her children while grappling with a very difficult and confusing situation, which she's basically been institutionalised into. It will take her some time to clear the fog of years of grooming and abuse, and find her way free - and so far she's making great strides.

I agree that being unkind to Poet isn't helpful (not that I'm saying the PP was doing that), but I think that a combination of all the support she's had AND some of the harder truths/comments have led her to where she is now - starting to accept what he is and starting to contact the relevant authorities.

Yes she needs kind words and being told none of this is her fault, but our love for our children and our desire to protect them is POWERFUL, and I think that's partly what's spurring her on. The reminder that actually it's not only her at risk, and if she doesn't feel strong enough to take action only for herself, she can do it for herself AND her children.

he can do very bad things and I still want him to love me
@PinkPoetAgaiinits so powerful that you can put that into words. It’s also so good you’re in counselling and can unpick this. You’re doing great.

It’s the total 100% truth. It may be extremely messed up but at least I’m aware of it now I guess!

Today is a family special occasion. I have organised every single thing.

He has already started stressing and stropping about. Tiny things are setting him off like the kids being over excited or making a mess. He’s already told me to shut it and fuck off over nothing.

You are at least seeing the pattern play out. I think that’s useful. I wish you could say ‘to quote you, shut it and fuck off’ when he tries it on tonight.

Oh goodness he really ruins everything for you and the dc. It’s completely normal for kids to be excited and they will sadly remember his behaviour. Mine did. You poor thing poet, none of you deserve this abuse. You deserve joy and happiness esp as it’s you doing the organising. I think in these moments you need to hold on to the feelings that he’s giving you. It will help overcome the unconditional love you have for him eventually :(

That’s just horrible, aggressive and disrespectful, Poet. You need to start noting these things down so you have a list of these things with dates. Down the line you can use them as a reference point to remind yourself of why it’s over, when you are wavering. I used a list like this when my relationship was breaking down and it was really helpful to keep perspective.

Very glad you managed to call WA back. Hopefully the call this week will reassure you more. When’s your next therapy session?