(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

The pull to just run back to him is so strong.
Its pathetic , I can’t believe how stupid I am

Well done you!! Proud of you! Hopefully this has encouraged you to realise that help can be given at your pace and that they are used to supporting people in your position, not judging you and wanting to blow everything up.

You have had one hell of a day today!

You’re not stupid Poet. You’re stronger and braver than you realise. Thinking of you x

@PinkPoetAgaiin Dear Poet, YOU ARE AMAZING!!! A massive well done for facing your fears right in the eye! Look how far you've come! I'm so proud of you 🥰🫂💐

Well done for calling them back, @PinkPoetAgaiin, you really areso much braver than you realise. X

Between the therapy and the WA calls you’ve had a really full on day with all this, so try to distract yourself now and give your mind a break if you can. If you’re not able to sleep right now is there something distracting or comforting that you can watch to help you wind down?

The pull to “run back” is because that’s your “normal” and any change from normal is unsettling.
BUT and it’s a huge BUT… your normal couldn’t be any further removed from what is acceptably normal.
Not sugar coating it - He is a serial rapist that belongs in prison reaching for the soap.

Calling WA back was hugely brave … I honestly didn’t think you would but you did and that’s incredible. If you were my friend, I’d be so proud of you. I’m still proud of you. Your kids will be proud of you when they understand the full picture.
He knows you are gaining strength … even if you think you’re not.
Don’t drop your guard and most definitely DO NOT take sleeping tablets. Keep your wits about you …. And maybe even your phone on record when he comes home 😏

Yes I am watching old episodes of the sewing bee !

thanks everyone . Couldn’t have done it without your encouragement x

Go on @PinkPoetAgaiin !
You're so brave, I didn't think you would feel strong enough to ring WA back but you did it!
I hope your brain settles down a bit, your thoughts must be pinging all over.
Sending big hugs to you x

I haven't commented on this thread, up until now but it's one of the most upsetting things I've read on here in a long time. I am so proud of you for calling WA back Pink Poet, I honestly didn't think that you would. I'm here in your corner too.

I’m so proud of you, you’re doing brilliantly.

I think other posters are absolutely right to encourage you strongly not to have sleeping tablets. It will make you less safe x

If what the DH has done is the most shocking thing I’ve ever read on here, then Poet is surely the bravest poster I’ve ever seen post.
A few short weeks ago, none of this would have been possible.
The pull of this man is there because he has kept you at 18. Yes, you have became a mum and also have a job. But in terms of your own growth, he has you stuck as that young vulnerable student, reliant on him to protect you from the world.
Instead, he has created a terrible cage.
Don’t think too much about the future and what it looks like.
Just know that calling WA back was such a brave step.

Well done @PinkPoetAgaiin . Yesterday was huge and you handled it so bravely, I think deep down you want change, but it’s just fear holding you back. The fear will slowly melt away as your eyes open more and you become critical of the man you married. Celebrate your “win” in a small personal way today, whatever that maybe. I really worry about you on the weekends when he’s there :(

You are not stupid at all! You are on an extremely difficult journey and you are being so strong. Please be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault 💖

Thank you :)

We’ve got a lot on this weekend so it should be ok. Will go quickly !

We still haven’t had sex and he hasn’t asked , still on period. He did try it on this morning but luckily the kids woke up and came in the room .
Similar thing where he started off wanking and then kept moving my hand to try and get me to take over . But I kept saying no and then they came in .

I haven't posted and was just quietly praying for you. I am so very humbled by the strength you have shown so far and praying that it will continue and grow.

Oh Poet, I’m so sorry. Someone upthread did say that all the niceness would just be building up to expectations of sex at the weekend. So once again this morning he wasn’t taking no for an answer. But well done for having the strength to say no. You’re in a despicable situation and it takes a very long time to build the courage to walk away. I know you’re not there yet and that’s ok. But will be thinking of you this weekend and hoping you can keep saying no.

Oh that’s ok I’m not upset about that really, that’s nothing really…
He did have to take no for an answer on this occasion because the kids woke came in

thank you for your support :)

He won’t leave it at that unfortunately so I’ll be on edge tonight .

Is there something you can do to avoid him tonight, like sleep in with the kids or exaggerate your period?

The issue is if I sleep with one of the kids he will definitely know something is wrong.
As I would never do that unless they were sick .
I could try , I don’t know what his reaction would be.

I can tell him im still having my period and have mentioned this today

If you’re being brutally honest with us OP, is the reason you’re afraid to say ‘no, not tonight’ and repeat repeat repeat it even if he tries to engage you again, that you know deep down if you do that he will override your ‘no’ and rape you again?

It’s important you acknowledge to yourself that you know this is a very likely outcome and that that is why you eventually stop saying no, in order to try to take on board the reality that he is a rapist.

You eventually stopping saying ‘no’ on days like this is not you ‘giving in’, its not consent, its you trying to protect yourself from what you do know deep down he wants to do and that is to rape you x

But the thing is, you shouldn’t have to make up reasons why you can’t have sex tonight. Because you’ve already said you want space. So him trying it on this morning is him disregarding your feelings once more. And if you get out of sex (being raped) tonight, you know it’s coming again the next night or the night after. When you’ve already said no. Upthread I said I was sorry after your message about what happened this morning and you replied that it didn’t upset you that much. But I wasn’t sorry for what happened this morning. I was sorry for what it represents. The return this weekend to the inevitable raping and abuse. You can see it coming like a tidal wave and the dread is palpable through your writing. But so is your sense of inevitability and your inability to stop it. That’s why I’m sorry 😔

If the kids hadn't walked into the room you would have been forced to perform a sex act against your will OP. The fact that it doesn't bother you is the problem.

Poet, how close do you think the kids are to being old enough to be told by him to get out when they try to come into the room?

I’m really worried that he’ll have an outburst and tell them to go away, and you’ll want it over quickly so you can go and see them and provide comfort. That will become another way he coerces and rapes you.

So the children can just walk into your room unannounced? It’s a good job you kept saying no then.
How old are they?