(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

You can only really forgive something if the person has stopped doing it, and is truly sorry, Poet. You can't forgive your husband for something he does on a regular basis, and don't feel regret over - something he plans to do to you.

What you want to do is ignore it, and ignoring the emotional harm he's causing you is what has taken such a toll on you over the years, and finally driven you to reach out.

I'm afraid the problem is that it's already messed up and has been since the beginning, and he is the one who has messed it up, not you. You're just trying your best to deal with his mess. You're not at fault, here.

Not at all OP. There is such a long way to go and this is just the first step. I think you are right that they do truly love him because this is what love looks like to them.

I hate to be blunt, but a good dad doesn't violently rape their mother multiple times a month, including while she was pregnant with them.

Children don't understand the full situation, and they don't know what's best for them because they are too young - sometimes they want things that are bad for them. That's why it's so important that the adults around them protect them.

it just feels huge

I’m going to have a lie down and think about calling them back

I find it really hard to be 100-% honest

Also they will mirror in their own relationships in the future the dynamic between their parents. Would you want your sons treating future partners like this, would you want your daughters being financially and sexually abused?
Have a look at the - We took you to stately homes long running thread. Just because they aren’t seeing with their eyes the sexual violence, they will notice the difference in you when you are on your own with them and when he is around. Even subconsciously you’ll be making yourself smaller, treading on eggshells and they will pick up on this. You’ve said they have seen shouting and physical aggression, this is not ok.

I wish I could give you a big hug in real life, buy you a cup of tea and some cake and tell you that you’ll get through this, because you will. You will look back and be free.

I mean this gently OP, but you cannot keep your children safe because you cannot keep yourself safe. I mean, yes you are safeguarding yourself as best you can by placating your husband at every opportunity, but you know this is an incredibly unhealthy coping strategy. Your children will already have learnt the lesson that they need to people please in order to keep themselves safe, because they watch you do this every day. This is so dangerous for them, because they will find themselves in similar dynamics all throughout their lives.

This is probably the worse I’ve felt this entire time including after I was r**ed

I feel like I’ve been running for my life trying to escape a tiger

I know you can’t see this right now Poet but parents split up all the time. Everyone is upset for a while, and children of course might struggle in the short term, but as time moves on decent people create decent lives for their kids even if it’s in two different homes.
I think you are more scared of what this man will do to you, and to them, if you decide to leave him, especially if he feels anything to do with his abuse has been uncovered.
Your children don’t know about it, yet, but as many brave posters have told you, when it happened in their homes, they knew. And they wished their mothers had left and that had enjoyed having more stability.
Those children of yours are very young right now, of course they love their dad, but they would adapt.
But I have a feeling that you are really worried as to what he might do to you, and them, and so staying and being abused yourself regularly feels after than leaving.
That is a terrible way for any person to have to live.
Your children are going to get older and they will know, and see far more. There will be far less damage done to them now and they will adjust if you can be brave enough to at least understand that you deserve a better life than this.
Sexual violence is more violent than violence. It is used in war zones as an act of war to humiliate and debase women and children. It is done to degrade. What this man is doing to you now, pinning you down and controlling your neck, there is nothing loving about it at all. Nothing. You cannot love another human being and do that to them when they have no option other than to literally lie still and play dead.

You are. But the tiger is not WA.

I know that you say that the children are not fearful of him but when you looked back through your texts, you said that there were lots from him that said “do the DC forgive me?” and similar, alluding to him having upset them. This is when you also realised that he tends to ruin special days and you have messaged him lots of times trying to rescue those special days but didn’t actually remember doing this. Unfortunately I think that you are blindly minimising the effect his behaviour has on them, just like you have been doing re: the abuse he inflicts on you. This is common in abusive relationships , but you need to see this for what it really is.

But you understand that they're the experts in this sort of thing, don't you? They've seen and supported so much more than most of us have, and they see how dangerous your situation is.

Deep breaths, think of your children, and think of a future where you don't have to be scared any more.

Also, try to remember OP that at the moment this is a runaway train.

It's easy to control little children but not so easy once they get to be about 6 or so. It would all come out. They talk. And if children don't know it's abuse, they talk about it freely because they think it's normal and happens in every household. Mummy let us have ice cream in bed because Daddy shouted at us again. My Daddy is the best driver, he goes super, super fast when he's cross with us. That's all it takes and the tiger is out of the bag.

Do you know that there is a welfare book in every classroom where things like this are written down with a time and date so that potential harm to a child can be flagged up? That book goes up with the class so that the next teacher who doesn't know the child or the family at all, can look through it to identify which children might be at risk.

They also talk back, have hormonal strops and refuse to co-operate. You already know he's going to try and control your daughters when they're older. What they wear, who they see. They won't always be compliant. How will he cope with that?

You have the opportunity to take control before it gets to that stage. Feeling like you have no control over anything is very scary.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed Poet. It’s nothing to do with you not being able to cope, it’s that the situation you’re in is insurmountable. I can’t imagine the energy it takes to constantly try to please your husband in the hope that you’ll avoid any retaliation from him, sexually or otherwise. I know it seems impossible now but your physical and mental health would’ve so much better away from constantly having to appease him.

Anyway nobody is suggesting you leave right this second. Baby steps. The next step when you feel able is to call them back and to also work out a plan for weekends when you find it hard to seek out support because he’s always there.

You will feel worse for a while, OP. Therapy is hard, giving up the shield of denial and justification is hard, change is hard. Really really hard and scary.

But you can't go on putting your head in the sand and trying to hide from the reality of your relationship.

Sex should be joyous and mutual fun. Not tolerated, not painful, not degrading, not unwanted. Just because "lots of people" might enjoy rough sex, doesn't mean you should or that you have to do it. Lots of people don't like it too. And it's your body, and your preferences matter. You are not obliged to continue to service him. You are not a sex doll, you're a person.

You should be seen as an equal by a spouse, not diminished, invalidated and infantilised like you don't know what you want and can't manage money.

You're doing really well. It's OK to be scared. It's OK to panic. Nothing needs to happen right now.

social services are not going to come to your door and take your children away. That is absolutely not going to happen. WA and SS are not idiots. They know all about women who are scared to divulge abuse and need time to get away, they know that they can work with women in much more careful ways to not put them at greater risk.
Social services are always seen as the big bogeymen, but often they are the conduit through which help are available - they are people who can pull strings with councils to find safe places, homes where you dont need money upfront, funding for support, discussing with UC to disregard a family home that may have caused you not to be able to access financial help while things get sorted, help for orders if he did turn nasty. They will do everything they can to help women and to keep their kids with them at all costs. There are women with drug issues/alchohol issues/ MH problems / convicted of crimes, and they help them to parent in those cases, so long as they are being open and honest and working with them for the wellbeing of their kids. You are so far from that bar.

The ONLY time they will step in is when you are defensive/hostile and obstructive to them - that puts them immediately on alert. And when you repeatedly prioritise a man over the children, who is at risk of causing serious harm to them. And unless he is actively kicking off, the police are unlikely to be called to remove him - so in that thread you mentioned previously, if you read between the lines, he had been abusing, harassing and stalking her - things must have come to a crunch for her to make that call. Again, this is not where you are.

IF, and there is not reason to believe that they have, IF they contact SS, you can make sure that any contact is in a safe way, so that it is out of the house, they could call you when he is at work, IF they needed to speak to the kids, they could do it at school. There are ways and means which dont mean them banging down your door at 6 in the morning, and then leaving you to face the aftermath with an angry husband.

I understand how you feel, when my exh was arrested after filling in an online police report, I went into a blind panic, probably similar to how you’re feeling now. I also did not feel my exh was danger to me despite the abuse. I blamed my myself and thought he would never seriously hurt me. The police were very concerned and said I was a very high fatality risk. You may feel a loss of control as the situation is taken out of your hands, this is part of the process and can feel incredibly scary but it’s necessary for your safety.. You may also want to continue as you are as facing up to the reality is truly emotional but again necessary for your safety. At first telling friends and family feels shameful but it is not your shame, you have done nothing wrong. Your are handling this so well, it is extremely difficult but please don’t give up xx

Remember, YOU are not responsible for all of this it's all on him. It is because of what he is doing to you and the kids that has put you in this position. The blame is on him not you.

Women's Aid will have experience of the reactions of women exactly like you... You are scared, you are panicking in case he finds out you have contacted them (what does that tell you about how you fear him?), they will know that you still feel in love with him despite the degrading rapes and overall control he has on you because so many other women feel the same about their abusers ( which is one of the reasons it's so hard to leave), you're scared for your children and how this will affect them (but it is already affecting them).

If you feel strong enough to ring them back then do so; tell them your fears and let them show you how they can help. You've had a big day today with the therapist and now Women's Aid, you must be so overwhelmed.

Ultimately, if everything was fine then you wouldn't have contacted them would you?

You need to filter this thread and reread your posts, Poet. I think about you every day. If this was another woman’s story you’d be horrified and sickened.

The reality is he knew what happened to you when you were 18. He didn’t encourage you to seek help or report that rape, instead he preyed on you. From what you’ve described, your experience may have aroused him. He owned a sexual assault manual and he believes women are inferior.

You moved in quickly, he proposed and you’ve been in a state of child rearing ever since. He got himself added to your bank account, but didn’t add you to his. You have no idea of family finances and have to ask if you run out of money. He treats you like a sex slave. He’s raped you repeatedly from the beginning of your relationship, vaginally, anally and while pregnant. He demands blow jobs soon after you’ve given birth. You think this is all normal. He doesn’t care about you. He thinks he owns you.

You sound like a compassionate, intelligent woman. You need to get smart here, do not lie, waken up to the risk and stop keeping up appearances. If you are overwhelmed to the point that you can’t function, then go to your GP. You need to summon all your strength, keep yourself sane and well for the children. The only way you can do this is by getting help from specialist services and your family, you cannot do this alone.

If he finds out you’ve tried to empower yourself he will be livid. Who knows how that might manifest but I suspect it will be extremely scary and at that point you need to be ready to call the police. Don’t hold back then, thinking serious things won’t happen. You need ALL the help you can get, so take it. Take it for a better life.

You feel the worst you’ve ever felt because you love your children deeply, but deep down you know that staying with this monster is harming you and them.
Deep down you know you have to leave but it’s so scary that you’d rather try to deny and hide from it.
Your fear and denial is totally understandable.
But please keep going. Please let WA help you. They are the experts and have seen your situation many times. They are not judging you- they just want to help.
unfortunately, due to your fear and trauma you are not able to keep yourself and the children safe. It’s clear from your posts and his texts that he has already harmed you and the children many times.

How are you doing, PinkPoet? I understand how overwhelming this this is.

Try and remember a few things.
WA, the therapist, the police- they know how to handle this situation, they have done this before. They know how to assess risk, how to effect what they need to do. They know you are trying your best and are terrified. They know you don’t want to tell them everything and are afraid your home will explode.

Your fear- one of the reasons you are panicking is because you don’t know what life looks like without him. He has trained you to believe you need him, depend on him, rely on him. But he isn’t safe and reliable, he’s an abuser. So you don’t need to believe what he says. He has taught you to be afraid. If the man who keeps you safe is so very dangerous, how much worse will it be without him?!

But that isn’t true. Statistically women are killed by someone in their household, their romantic partner. You are safer without him.

It is scary, yes. It is dangerously, yes. Remember staying isn’t safe either, and let the authorities help you out. Co operate.

Another thing that occurred to me, do you remember just a couple of days ago PinkPoet you shared with your husband that you were feeling unwell and struggling and he got angry and dismissive. He told you that you needed to get over it and it was your fault and did lots of deflecting and blaming. He wasn’t telling you then that you’ll get through anything other and he loved you was he? Coincidentally, now that you’re finding some strength and being so brave, he’s now love bombing you again.

A few day ago he didn’t care at all. You were walking on eggshells worried that a bad day at work for him would lead to another rape for you. You were trying not to rock the boat and appeasing him. It’s a cycle, it’s hard for you to see that because you’re in it but I think you’re starting to.

He feels the shift and so he’s on his best behaviour but you know and we know that he can’t maintain this long term. He’s never been able to. And I just want you to remember that. This version of him is sadly not his true version. His true version is one that views you as his to hurt, to demean, to dismiss. That’s his normal baseline. This version you’re getting involves a huge amount of restraint from him and it’s not going to last. When you’re back in the worst part of the cycle, that you is going to want this you to have continued taking steps forward, however small.

OP please think about how you would respond if your daughter/s came to you in this situation?

think about one day if they know the truth, how deeply deeply sad they would be for you. And the horrible realisation they also lived with this monster.

feelings are temporary, they will change!

every woman who has ever fled DV has probably had the same thoughts/worries/panic as you xx

All of this happened for my colleague, OP. Everything you're describing including the panic having contacted WA.

In my colleague's case, I encouraged her to report to our organisation's safeguarding team. They made a referral to children's social services, because their children were present for some of the abuse in the same way that yours have been. (I haven't mentioned this before but he also anally raped her more than once. The similarities are shocking. Even I am quite surprised.)

Social services did not contact her directly because they know that this is risky. Instead they contacted our organisation's safeguarding team who passed me a message that I then passed to her. It wasn't suspicious for me to phone her but he might have noticed another number calling. They didn't steamroll in and they did everything very discreetly. She then rang the lady from social services when she was alone. It was all organised very carefully and safely.

You do need to accept that you need to leave him. You have actually known this for a long time but have been in denial about it. The story of your relationship is that an older man targeted and groomed you when you were a vulnerable young person dealing with the aftermath of a terrible assault. This older man then took advantage of your youth and vulnerability to continue abusing you and did so sexually, financially, emotionally and physically.

It was heartbreaking to read you realise that he has been abusing you from the beginning, when you understood that the non-consensual anal sex is also abuse and that doing it without prior discussion and explicit consent is also not part of a normal relationship.

You can live a life free of abuse though. You can build a life for yourself and your children where you are not being abused. My colleague would also have said her children loved their father but actually they were afraid of him and were displaying the fawn response to a threat. Suffice to say, they absolutely do not blame her for leaving him and removing them from that environment.

Oh dear Poet. You are so brave to have come this far. Carry on being the bravest person you are. Look forward to a much better life to come for you and your DCs.

Sending you a Big Mumsnet Hug.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging messages.

I called them back. I apologised and said I was very nervous about talking about my situation and I couldn’t have a long chat today as I didn’t feel emotionally ready. We chatted again about safety plan and she urged me to call 999 if I feel unsafe.

She’s going to call me back next week instead

He came home from work early but has still gone out tonight, back late .

Luckily the kids are all sleeping well again now so I can try to get some sleep . I feel wired though. I want to take a sleeping pill but I’m not sure I should