(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

Hi PinkPoetAgaiin
Your Mum most probably has a idea about you.
My daughter was with a right Btard.
I knew but had to wait for her to ring me for help to come and get her out or this bad situation.
My husband and I got her out straight away.
I hope you can find a way to get out.
You deserve a better life than what you think you have.

I’m so glad your daughter is ok xx
how did you know?

Shes had her doubts but I honestly believe she thinks he’s proved himself now

My daughter is so much stronger now.
I used to worry about her but she is finding her way though life and is happy.

Lots of loving language (love bombing?) and I got a few messages last night as he was out about how I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he knows we can come through this stronger.

And he knows that you're about to speak with your therapist.

He wants to be seen in a good light, as helpful, supportive, co-operative, kind and caring. He's trying to control the narrative and get the therapist on his side.

@Greenaeonium i think there’s is too much to get through, she can definitely tell her therapist she’s had support on here but I think she’d lose her session which wouldn’t be helpful as it would take too long to read.

Also can I say my daughter found out her ex had non-molestation orders from other woman too.
I do not know how these men learn how to become such creeps in real life.
I still think about him now.
I love my children and grandchildren. They are the gift that keeps giving to me.

"Trying to remain aware."

This seems very positive to me Poet. That rather than getting pulled into the love bombing and swept up into "oh he's so perfect" etc. you are slightly stepped back from it and observing it, naming it and thinking about what it means. You will of course probably still go through phases when you do get caught up in it but this is still positive.

Also agree with @YourOliveBalonz about the CCTV in the Epsom case. But also, there was a successful prosecution in a high profile rape case in Brighton this week. Stats for successful prosecutions are still poor but it's not all bleak and you're not necessarily going to end up in that position anyway.

I hope the counselling goes well.

@PinkPoetAgaiin don't forget that if he asks how it went, tell him your therapist has advised you not to talk about it as it could interfere with your therapy.

He's just fishing to find out what you are revealing about him.

Yep , I won’t be talking to him about it this time
we covered a lot . It was good - I think.

I just feel a bit numb now, like a robot saying the words. I haven’t cried for weeks now - is that normal ? I thought I’d get emotional today but I didn’t at all.

It's normal. Your body is in a state of shock.

Very normal. I think it’s innate protection. Well done on getting through that again today. It takes strength to go to therapy. You can do this, Poet.

This, you also probably don’t feel safe enough to do so. Can you get out for a walk in the fresh air? It’s a beautiful day, it’s going to take a while to process it all. Well done for disclosing in your therapy session. We are all so proud of you x
Do you invite your family over for dinner? Can you start spending more time with them. Is there space for you to all spend the night?

It really is so very normal. I’m normally a very emotional person and yet, when I was making my statement to the police or processing my flashbacks in therapy, I was just so matter of fact and unable to feel anything. Many tears came later, though. It will be the same for you, when you’re in a safe place to process your emotions.

Well done. Poet.

I’m having a massive panic. I would describe it as a panic attack.

Women’s aid local service called me back. They asked me a lot more questions about the children, how he is with them, if they’ve ever witnessed any of the abuse. The said that if they believe there is a danger to children they may have to make a referral to social services.

They said what you’ve all said from the start. Sexual abuse is domestic abuse and is one of the more high risk behaviours of further harm. They asked me if he’s ever out his hand on my neck and I said no. I just panicked they are going to send the police round or something. I just got in such a panic on the phone I ended up saying I couldn’t talk right now and would call them back.

I just keep thinking ‘what are you doing ?! He’s not an abuser. He’s your husband who you love who has made a few mistakes. ‘

the lady on the phone seemed so concerned it sent me over the edge.

I can’t do this. I feel so unwell. I just want it to stop. I’m so sorry everyone . I know I’ve gone backwards . But I have to be honest here as I’m not anywhere else

It’s ok, please don’t panic. The most basic advice I can offer is to drink water and regulate your breathing. No one is going to turn up at your door.
It has been a very eventful day.
You have not gone backwards - you have pressed pause x

Deep breaths OP.

You need to be honest with them so that your children can grow up in the environment they deserve.

This is scary, I completely understand that it’s terrifying.

But remember they are trained in this. This is what they do. And they think that you and your children are at risk.

You must listen to them and cooperate.

I think you should contact them and say you panicked but yes, he has put his hands around your throat before.

Please take this chance, it could be the start of a peaceful, calm life for you free from abuse x

Deep breaths, head between knees and then try and do the 5 things you can see exercise that someone mentioned.

But, gently, these are not mistakes. You are in danger and I am glad they are taking it seriously.

It’s ok, Poet. They are probably just doing an assessment. Call them back and try to get reassurance from them
of the process. Tell them you are scared of what they will do. You do need professional help though. You underestimate what your husband is capable of. Can you go to their office rather than doing it over the phone? You can try breathing into a paper bag to calm down.

I just keep thinking ‘what are you doing ?! He’s not an abuser. He’s your husband who you love who has made a few mistakes.

If that's truly the case then there's no problem. If you are honest with them about his actions, they will be able to tell if it's abuse or not. If it's a mistake, he can stop doing it.

Well done for speaking with them, that's a huge step and your body is just reacting. There are apps to help control breathing.

Deep breaths. This is the first real bit of external validation from someone who knows what they are talking about. You’ve told them the extent of your abuse on the previous phone call, then downplayed it (omission about the neck) yet they are still concerned. This is someone knowledgeable about abuse who doesn’t know you or your husband, but has objectively come to this conclusion. It’s real, and you can’t unsee it. I hope that this sinks in over the next wee while and helps you with any decisions you might make.

I honestly can’t believe how far you’ve come Poet, you have strength you didn’t know you had and you will get through this.

I’m so sorry you’re in this state. The pressure is immense as you’re having to deal with the abuse as well as keeping a lid on everything.

Please remember that you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve reached out for help for yourself, not to do anything to him, and if the facts of it (which you would downplay rather than embellish) give them concern then that is not on you. You should be honest, and that can include your feelings that no you don’t consider him a risk to the children’s safety, but don’t lie. Ask them what a referral would mean if they did make it - I can’t believe they would take action that would make you more vulnerable surely.

I did try to get reassurance but they said they would need to contact SS if they believe the children are in danger. I said I don’t believe they are but they were asked what they’ve witnessed and about the throwing .

I said I really do not want that because then surely he will find out?!

He can’t know about any of this

I said that
and then they said it sounds like you are in immediate danger
and I said no I just don’t want things to change I don’t want to leave him

the said SA , especially multiple, is shown to be one of the most risks to women in terms of escalating violence

I feel so sick

I'm so sorry, Poet, for how you're feeling right now. I can understand some of it. I felt much the same way as you, before I disclosed that my stepfather was abusing me. I think that's a normal feeling to have. But afterwards, it was like an immense weight off my chest. I hope you'll get to experience that, one day soon.

The familiar feels safe, even when it's hurting us, and change is scary. And so is confronting the fact that your husband hasn't made mistakes - he's deliberately abusing you.

But Women's Aid just wants to assist you and your children. You need to be honest with them, otherwise they can't do that. I don't think they're going to rush to do anything, as pp have said, but in order to help you, they need the full picture.

He can’t know about any of this

If you don't think you are in immediate danger, why can't he know? I think they are sensing that you are saying I'm safe, the children are safe but don't tell him because that would make it unsafe.

Do you see what I mean?

Nothing is going to happen immediately, try not to panic.