(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

Thank you, yes I’m not sure it’s quite right for me at the moment and I would hate to get to a place I was shutting her out because she’s pressuring me to make a dramatic exit . And she’d probably want me to go to the police too.

and yes @SharpSheep she is lovely ! I’ve caused her a lot of stress over the years and she’s always been there for me. I’m glad she stayed in our lives because she has such a good bond with the kids

I’m so sorry Poet, I’m so sorry you experienced such a horrific assault let alone one that another predator then used to manipulate you into ongoing, years long abuse. You didn’t deserve any of this. None of it is your fault.

@PinkPoetAgaiin I agree with @PrizedPickledPopcorn and @throwawayimplantchat, you are already twisting yourself into a pretzel over your awful, abusive husband and giving him all your headspace, you simply don't have enough room left for your mum.

I am so very sorry you are going through this, I think about you a lot. I'm sure that goes for everyone on this thread. As soon as I log onto Mumsnet I think, how's Poet doing, I hope she's safe. Please know that we all care about you and we want the best for you, and we're perfect strangers. Yet your husband treats you worse than a virtual stranger. It's so very sad. 😔

Agree with @Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife i do do login to mumsnet specifically to see if you are ok Poet.
Yes don’t tell your mum if it’s too much emotional pressure on you. Tell her when you are ready or close to leaving and I am sure she will be your right hand. Have a think and don’t decide now on who to reach out to next. Hopefully the therapy will help find some clarity and confidence regarding your next steps. This is the last place people will pressure you, I can imagine reading the messages is very overwhelming. But I’m proud of you as you’ve really opened up and are starting to defend your husband less. All personal progress ❤️ You will get through this.

If you don’t feel like it’s the right time to talk to your mum then fair enough; of course she would want her baby to be out of this situation asap. A positive though, if you do get to the point where you need to leave or just need help, talking to your mum will be a good step as it sounds like she would support you and would offer a safe place to go.

I can honestly say that this is the ONLY thread where I read everyone's comments. Such worldly-wise, supportive women 🥰🫂

Yes you are all amazing and the advice is so helpful ❤️ I appreciate it so much!

The universe is really NOT filling me with hope that victims of sexual assault are being believed though - just seen the thread about the girl in epsom and the police have said she made it all up!! I can’t believe it

I don’t know the details obviously and maybe she did but it seems unlikely
If people/the police don’t believe situations like hers then no one would believe me

But, and I say this gently, Poet, you have clear evidence in the form of text messages acknowledging what your beast of a husband has done to you. They WILL believe you.

But please, put the police out of your head, just for now, and concentrate on your therapy, potentially disclosing to someone more neutral than your mother and make an appointment with the GP. Slow and steady wins the race 😘

Edited for a typo

I disagree there actually. The police absolutely did take her seriously and conducted an investigation, appealing for information which then led to a near riot (racist idiots). It sounds like she was genuinely confused after a head injury, and reading between the lines with how they have concluded that no offence took place I’m guessing they could tell from CCTV of the area that a different chain of events took place. I’m not saying there’s not huge problems with securing convictions but I think in this case the police have been able to prove even to her that she wasn’t attacked.

@PinkPoetAgaiinspeaking as a psychotherapist, I think you should bring up the topic of telling your mother in therapy. they can help you explore your barriers to telling her and your concerns and work them out.

Sometimes (where appropriate) family members are invited in to have sensitive conversations the therapist helps them navigate). You and your therapist can explore if this is appropriate.

I second this entirely. You have a lot of virtual support, Poet, and I'm sure if you can reach out to your GP and others in real life (maybe not your mum yet) that they'll support you too

I can bring this up in my session this morning.

thank you ❤️

That was a great idea from that poster.

Really hope nothing happened overnight or this morning and that your therapy session goes well x

Nope , another night/morning without any problems. Lots of loving language (love bombing?) and I got a few messages last night as he was out about how I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he knows we can come through this stronger. He definitely knows I’m unhappy.

Trying to remain aware.
Ive got therapy first thing this morning and I’m feeling nervous about it. I hate it when they say ‘what would you like to focus on today?’

Too many things !!!

I think it would be sensible to view his current behaviour as the love bombing stage of the cycle, the precursor to another incident / rage, rather than accepting it as a genuine change from him or a sign of progress. I worry otherwise you’re going to let down your guard again and excuse behaviour. This is actually typical of his textbook abuse cycle so be prepared for the next bit of it - perhaps something to discuss with the therapist?

Perhaps you could consider discussing how finding out the content of The Game book made you realise he had used techniques in the book to manipulate you from the start (telling her your ages at the time as I think this is importantly) and how unsettled that made you feel?

Sadly we know he’s building up for the weekend. There’s an element of making you feel guilty in those kinds of messages too and keeping you in your place. He also knows you have therapy today, these are all deliberate moves.

Interesting he said ‘we can come through this’ - I wonder what ‘this’ is to him?

Time to ask again for access to the finances?

Maybe over the weekend. He’s got a big day/night out with work tonight

I think he means this period of stress/strain in our marriage and me being clearly unhappy and mentally not well.

He’s also admitted to having a stressful time at work with deadlines and things

It might be helpful to write down a short version of your situation in advance and ask if you can pass it to the therapist to read. That way she has all the information and hopefully that helps her to know what to start with.
I’ve not been to therapy or am I qualified but I always with anything like to see the big picture.
We are all really on your side. I was thinking about you this morning. When I was pregnant both times I felt so ill, then was v uncomfortable and my libido fell off a cliff genuinely think I only had sex about 3 times in both pregnancies and also was v weird about it when breast feeding as my boobs would leak. My husband was always so kind and patient about it, I’m so sad for you that you don’t have the supportive partner you deserve.

….. or send the link to all of these threads 🥴

I hope your therapy goes well today.
I would also hope that you can ask for advice as to how you can keep your therapy private from him - explain how he asked you about what you spoke about, so need some phrases so that you dont need to tell him, wiothout it being confrontational.
I would tell her that WA assessed you as high risk and have referred you to local services. This should at least sharply bring her into focus because some do like to view the world as 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

I think you are aware that you are in the love bombing part of the cycle and are seeing it for what it is. Yes its a breather, slightly, but I dont think it relieves stress because you now wont trust it. But better to be living in the truth than really believing his lies. You are taking the steps to get out of the door.

I also agree about not looking too much at the high profiule cases, and the police. Not now. Now you need to concentrate on building a small trusted support network behind yourself, who wont add to your stress, and who , like WA, will allow you to take the steps in the right way for you and your children. You dont need to be carrying anyone elses emotions in this. Its hard to come out of the fog, and I can see that you dont want to make the mistake of jumping too fast, knowing that it might mean you go back.

And yes, we are rooting for you. I too check morning and evening to see if you are OK

Yes, but it’s an interesting perspective given what be said the other day about the state of your relationship:

”Otherwise he is being very lovely
and very chuffed about all the sex
quite often commenting about how much I seem to be wanting it these days”

I suppose I’m saying, which I think you are also noting, that he’s full of shit.