(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

That is what I’m saying
I am not sure how he would react but it wouldn’t be ‘oh yes I can see why you’ve done that’

this is the only place I feel safe telling the whole truth because it’s totally anonymous

everything else I just feel like things will happen :( and I’m so so scared

like terrified

I am not sure how he would react but it wouldn’t be ‘oh yes I can see why you’ve done that’

Do you think your safety would be at risk though?

I don’t know. It’s possible he would lose his shit and probably yell and maybe physical displays of anger but I can’t imagine him physically hurting me

Its hard to imagine a hypothetical situation

I said no I just don’t want things to change I don’t want to leave him

He isn’t going to change… ever
You cannot possibly consider staying with him - he is a serial rapist. He should be in prison!

You're a little like a fish who can't see the water, Poet.

This is your 'normal', so you think it's safe, and not dangerous, because you don't know anything else. But it's not safe.

Every day that you and the children stay, it is a dangerous situation for you all, because he is violent and abusive.

I know it's frightening to think of leaving being taken out of your hands, but I do think it is worth thinking about how seriously everyone you've spoken to so far views the situation, and considering whether your judgement has been warped by years of abuse being normalised for you.

I expect the reaction to doing something that massively displeases him is untested, because you always try to please him. I think you know he would get nasty in all kinds of ways.

I know you feel panicked about this spinning out of control, and the unknown of what is next. I really wish you had a real life person to talk to here. Perhaps given the latest phone call you do need to unburden yourself to your mum or someone.

Ultimately, we want you to have control of your own life and future but I’m thinking to get there you may need others to take the wheel for a bit. Let people help you, it’s too much.

It's ok OP, they are not going to do anything without talking it through with you more. They will not rush in, even if SS are alerted. They know all about volatile men. The fact that you have contacted them shows that you are a protective mother.

I think they are right in their assessment that you are in immediate danger. It doesn't have to mean threat to life, it means in danger of harm. Verbal aggression is harm.

I couldn’t . If this is my reaction to speaking to a stranger who is mostly confidential there’s no way I could spit this out to my mum.

you’re right I’ve never done anything to make him this angry

I feel like this is somehow unfair on him. That I’m going behind his back and telling people awful things . True things

and when I’ve told people here or irl everyone’s been telling me yes he’s violent , not it’s not isolated, yes you’re in danger and I just can’t handle it

I feel like it’s all too much and I just want it to stop

Poet let’s try and slow things down. Firstly, nothing has physically changed from that first conversation. They have to tell you about SS referrals because it’s part of their policies. It’s very important that the relationship they build with you is not built on any form of dishonesty. Even if they did make a SS referral, based on risk to the children, it would not be a situation where turn up straight at the door with the police. What they would do is look at protective factors and also your own understanding of how the environment affects your children. You’ve shown here that you’re starting to understand that; even thought you find it hard to not say he’s a good dad. You have made so much progress with seeing his abusive behaviour for what it is.

Right now though; nothing has changed. You are no more or ho less safe than you were before the phone call.

I imagine it was very confronting to hear their worry and concern. It would be like someone meeting someone else with purple eyes when the purple eyed person lives in a country of people with purple eyes. To you this is normal, you’ve got so used to it that his abuse of you feels safer than being alone. But actually, it could feel really validating to know that they, an organisation designed to support survivors of domestic abuse, are very concerned about your husbands behaviour. Is there a world where that could feel validating to you? You’ve been very concerned recently with not being believed. They believe you. They believe you are being raped. They believe your husbands behaviour is abusive. I realise it’s very scary to have this reflected back at you.

I wonder if you could find the courage to ring back. Right now you’re panicking, understandably, about what might happen. Could you direct that into finding out the answers to your questions? You’re worried about them referring; talk to them about it. Explain that you are very worried about how this process is going to work. Ask what options there are. They will not force you to leave- ask them to do some safety planning with you. They can do this while you remain where you are. It also shows you understand the risk and are taking steps forwards.

Sorry Poet

If you can find a quiet space and practice box breathing - breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Do that a few times and then maybe try the exercise from @throwawayimplantchat reposted below -

5 things you can see
Look around slowly and name five things. Try to notice small details (textures, colours, light, shapes).
4 things you can feel
This can be physical sensations—your feet on the floor, your clothes on your skin, the chair supporting you, something in your hands.
3 things you can hear
Listen for both obvious and subtle sounds—traffic, a clock ticking, your own breathing.
2 things you can smell
If nothing stands out, move slightly or think of scents you like (fresh coffee, shampoo, outdoors air).
1 thing you can taste
Notice the taste in your mouth, or take a sip of a drink.

Again, wanting to stay silent is a completely normal response to abuse.

From the National Domestic Violence site:

'We know that abuse thrives in isolation and that it walks hand-in-hand with fear.
Fear muzzles the truth. It hides behind a veil of shame, and it rips you open from the inside out, making you feel like less of a person. We also know first-hand that fearing an abusive partner can be paralyzing, traumatizing and have long-lasting effects on people’s psyche and body.

To understand violence, we need to accept that fear is a completely natural reaction to a threat, and therefore, it is OK to be afraid.'

Your panic is understandable but you can’t bury this and ignore it any longer. You really need to work with them to protect yourself and the children, they will not do anything immediately but if they suspect that you are protecting him at the detriment of the children, they will not look favourably at you.

You told them that you don’t want things to change, but you do @PinkPoetAgaiin. You want him to stop abusing you, which he is not going to do.

Exactly correct
That is my number one emotion right now

You don't have to do anything right now - you can just take a breath and press pause, and wait until you feel calmer.

But I feel the need to gently push back on the idea that it 'stops' if you stop engaging with people who are trying to help you.

The thing that needs to be stopped is your husband's abuse, which is harming you physically and emotionally. Even if you did stop going to therapy, or talking on here or to women's aid, and buried your head in the sand, the mental toll it's taking on you isn't going to stop until he stops. And he won't.

All you can really do to make things stop, is to start taking the control back from him. And engaging at your own pace with people who want to help you, like Women's Aid, is the only way to do that.

Poet, they are so experienced in these matters, they’ve seen it all before. You must continue to engage with them and develop the safety plan. His assaults are regularly happening and have been getting more aggressive over the last few weeks.

Call them back and try to engage. I do not think they will progress to social services this afternoon. SS are in such demand, it’s not going to happen like that.

You cannot let your husband know about any of this because it’s too high risk. If you are overwhelmed, go to your parents. You cannot deal with this on your own. We all want you to have a happy life with your children. That isn’t going to happen if you remain with your husband. He’s got a user manual, he’s not going to change. Hopefully you have some time to process if he’s out tonight.

What does that mean it won’t look favourably on me? Because I don’t believe he is a risk to them?

Perhaps take this from it - you were believed. By the therapist and by WA.
Of course you can keep posting on here it seems to be the one outlet where you have a sense of safety and control.
The posters on here can do their best to give you moral support and will keep doing so.
However, you must understand that if WA are concerned about your children it’s not because you have been talking about your DH his back. You were concerned yesterday about being believed. Today you were really believed.
Whilst you have very little control about what goes on in your household, your children have none at all. Whenever children are in any kind of danger, they deserve protection, and so far that protection has fallen to you,
But it’s hard to protect them when you cannot protect yourself.
Keep seeing your therapist.
Speak to WA again and talk about these fears you are having.
You are scared of any kind of change, it is harrowing for you.
But you are not going to meet anyone on this journey who is going to defend your DH, apart from you. If your husband escalates, then anyone aware of what he is doing will feel they should have done more to help you.
I still think you should tell your mum. It won’t kill her, it will upset her, but she could be key in providing you with support on every level.
You are afraid of this man and that is not love, I am afraid.
As sick as you feel, you have achieved a lot today.

Oh Poet, big deep breaths, drink some water, do the grounding exercises. This feels like someone has pressed fast forward and you are not ready, that’s ok, we are here. Just breathe.

Your response is totally normal, and it’s so brave of you to share this. Trust that women’s aid absolutely have you and your children’s best interests at heart, you are a fantastic mum. They are experts though, please call them back.

What does that mean it won’t look favourably on me? Because I don’t believe he is a risk to them?

More like you don't acknowledge that he is already a risk to them.

They have been subject to his aggressive outbursts and that is domestic violence towards children.

You contacting them and asking for advice/help shows that you have protective instincts towards your children.

If you stop letting them help you, you would no longer be showing a protective attitude towards the children. Leaving them in a domestic violence environment is not protective.

BUT, crucially, they will understand how difficult this is for you because you have been abused by him the whole time you have been with him and as a consequence you are unable to recognise the seriousness of abuse which is 'lesser' that what you are personally going through.

In your mind you have 'grades' of rape. There is no grade. There is just rape. But because you can't at the moment, through no fault of your own, see this, it shows that equally you can't 'see' the abuse towards your children. You 'grade' it, making physical abuse in your mind, worse than verbal aggression. It's not. They are both domestic violence.

They want to work with you to keep both you and your children safe.

Children are seen as victims in their own right if they experience the effects/are witness to domestic violence. They have told you that they are concerned about you all, please engage with them and be honest. It’s so hard for you as your world is full of stress and anxiety but you are the only one who can protect the children at this point and you can do that by seeking help. You have had a heavy day today, take some deep breaths and make yourself a cuppa ☕️

breathing again now!
still not feeling good though

I just don’t want everything to get messed up. I am so loyal to him it’s stupid. I’ve forgiven so much over the years . I just feel like why can’t I forgive this and then nothing has to change .

i used to be more accepting that rough/degrading sex was part of his sexual preference , which lots of people have, so why can’t I tolerate it now . I’m not asking this is just how my brain is working at the moment

You use the word 'tolerate' not 'enjoy'.

Try not to spiral here, you don’t even know if they would even consider a referral necessary, and there’s no suggestion there is concern about you as a parent. Think of a mum and children who are being beaten, SS would work to get them to safety away from him. However if the mum was telling them all was fine, lying about the bruises, then they would of course have no choice but to consider her a risk too - because she would not be working with them to get the children safe, but keeping them in danger. That’s not you. Please don’t start making cover stories because you are afraid, if your children are not in danger then there’s nothing to hide.

You can’t forgive future financial/sexual abuse/rape and intimidation that will likely last for years and years to come. You honestly deserve more than this life ❤️

So basically now that I have made initial contact and shared some of the abuse, I now have to act because if I don’t I then look like I am contributing to their abuse basically ?

This is what I was so worried about
I love them so much but I just can’t seem to accept that ripping their family lives apart and a dad they love so much from their lives would be any better than their current situation.

And they do truly love him. They are not fearful of him. They would be devastated and I’d get the blame .