(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

The way you all describe what he’s been doing is true , I just can’t get passed maybe he doesn’t realise what he’s doing is technically defined as re. I don’t believe he would know about ‘enthusiastic consent’ i didn’t . Or that he’s supposed to check I’m ok at every stage.

I wanted to come back to what you said here Poet as I think it's important.

Do you rely on the law to define acceptable behaviour in other areas of your life? Sadly there are still numerous countries in the world where it's legal for a man to rape his wife. If you go on holiday to Dubai, and he rapes you there, is that ok for you, because it's allowed?

Sorry to be blunt. But as other posters have said, him not being aware that what is doing is illegal is neither believable but nor is it really the issue here. He's your husband, is what he is doing ok for you? Should he not care about your pleasure and enjoyment during sex? Should he not communicate? And when I say "should" - from your perspective - not the law's. Isn't what you want in a husband that he cares about you and wants you to enjoy sex with each other?

It doesn't matter what the technicality of the law says, people leave marriages every day of the week in this country because they aren't happy with aspects of their marriages. You have expressed to him and on here your deep, deep distress at the fact that he forces you into sex acts without your consent. It doesn't need to meet a threshold set by a third party for it that to be enough to leave. You have agency.

I really do think this is the best way forward and it needs to happen now. This situation is too mentally challenging to deal with on your own, Poet. You need to get to a position of strength and you cannot do that on your own.

Thanks , I don’t mind the list! It’s helpful

• women’s aid talked me through a safety plan and covered a lot of what to think about. They also mentioned a phone and I will try and organise this over the weekend from a supermarket. The money thing is more tricky but I could start getting small amounts of cash out as someone suggested. It will take ages to build up though as there is often not a lot left in the joint account weekly ‘spend’. I also know where all passports are and things.
• Still a bit nervy about the gp but I’ll try and pluck up the courage . Does anyone actually find their gp easy to talk to? I really don’t …
• I have another therapy session tomorrow afternoon in person
• The thought of speaking to my mum about it brings me out in a cold sweat. I couldn’t just dump it all on her I think it would really affect her health. Any suggestions for what I could start with to just let her know the basics of the situation?
• I am on the waitlist for local support WA but they are absolutely packed, sadly

And to those asking I am 99% sure he had nothing to do with original assault . I was seen with another boy who I had a ‘thing’ with.

And yes, it’s entirely possibly he has a history of coercing . He had a reputation as a bar manager for inviting girls to stay after closing and all that. Nothing sinister was ever suggested but I can imagine lots of boundaries have been pushed. Our first date I was a bit drunk but I remember consenting to the sex . I remember being so impressed that he had his own flat . So naive! He didn’t use a condom even the first time we ever slept together and I remember thinking that was a bit strange - I was on the pill but he didn’t ask me

Did that boy behave differently towards you after the violent incident?

“Any suggestions for what I could start with to just let her know the basics of the situation?”

“Mum, I have friend, she has confided in me that she is being repeatedly sexually abused and controlled by her husband - I’ve told her she should really tell someone; most especially her mum.
I really want to help her - what would you do?”
her answer will be all you need to know 💐

Tell her H is violent and getting worse. You have no access to money with him knowing about it and you and the kids may need to leave suddenly.

I know how you feel, OP. I had to let my DM know that my F (her beloved late H) had sexually abused me right through my childhood, as did my DSis. It was distressing, though by then we’d pieced together that he’d obviously known what was happening and done nothing, which had already distressed her.

My DM obviously found it distressing, though she was more furious really, which she still is. It still makes her weep when she thinks about it, so she keeps busy with her Christian charity project in Africa (at age 86).

I’m sure your DM will be distressed and she’ll probably also blame herself for not realising that your H isn’t the man she thought he was. (Though obviously she has less logical reason to feel guilty than my DM, she’ll still think she should have realised, as I know I would feel as a mum.) But I’m sure her anger against him for what he’s put you through.

I hope this is helpful. I can certainly understand why you’re reluctant, but I honestly think your DM would want to be there for you.

@PinkPoetAgaiin regarding breaking it to your mum you could start with something that invites her to ask questions. You could start quite subtly and say “mum things are not right between myself and Mr.Poet, it’s getting worse and I feel quite scared”. I think tbh she’s your mum and she will probably sense your tension relating to your husband. @PinkPoetAgaiin Do you think she will ask you questions that should make it easier for you to open up? Do you think it would be helpful to have 5 simple bullet points you could stick to and tell her. I could do it for you if you like? We can change it of course, you chose what you want to say.

You can withdraw consent at any time. We always freeze whenever we hear a child wake up and wait and listen to see if they go back to sleep. Sometimes the position doesn’t work for me or one of us needs to change position because it is uncomfortable. Sometimes we start again and sometimes we just have a hug and go sleep. We have young kids and get tired!

Once with a partner I didn’t know well I started thinking about something unrelated that was difficult and I cried. He stopped immediately and wouldn’t start again even when I asked him to.

There’s no reason why anyone can’t stop at any point if the other person wants to. Thought experiment if you believe anyone gets so into it they can’t stop - Everyone would stop immediately if their mum walked in.

OP I am so sorry that you are being so badly treated. I wish you a happy healthy safe future as soon as you feel able to leave.

Regarding the gp, not that it’s an exhaustive list but a female gp that is middle aged would be good. The reason I say this is you will not be her first domestic abuse patient. So hopefully she should know what to do. My gp was brilliant, she must have been late 50’s when I went to her. She gave me so much time and advice and was so understanding. I owe her so much. I’m really sorry you’ve had people fail you Pinkpoet, I know because of this it’s hard to trust and have confidence in yourself. If you decide to go, we can help you with what to say as I know you find it hard. Hope you physically feel better today,

Yes maybe that would be helpful
thank you

Not really - he was also bit of an egomaniac

But I just shut up and never said anything which is probably exactly what he hoped would happen

Has your mum/parents had any questions about a) why you are going to therapy, and b) why you asked them if they could pay for that? Perhaps not, but both of those things are directly related to what you are going through at home so could be a starting point if your mum has asked about it.

You don’t have to say everything there is to say in one go. Even if you just start by saying that your marriage is not what it appears - that he specifically is not - and you are struggling at the moment, you can pause there. If you get platitudes then perhaps she’s not understood or it’s not a good idea, and if you get questions then go from there.

I’m so sorry . That must have been so so hard. For everyone involved .

Most things in my wider family have mostly been ‘perfect’ to the outside world at least. Hardly any marriage breakdowns even through all the aunts/cousins . No dramas. I do feel a certain amount of shame and responsibility.

She thinks it’s because I am struggling/not coping with life juggle and she sent me articles about delayed PND . So that’s what she thinks the therapy is for.

I think I said our relationship is ‘strained’ but she hasn’t mentioned that again

It sounds like she is approaching your problems with wanting to help then, and ‘strained’ could just indicate the usual stresses of balancing life with jobs and children so not necessarily something to cause concern. I do think it’s worth trying to have the conversation.

But if I say something like this, my mums personality being how she is, she would simply not be able to carry on with her life for worrying about me/us. So that’s why I’m hesistant. If I told her she’s insist I get out straight away and everything would snowball . Which I know appears a good thing but it panics me.

and as I said before , I feel where I am at the moment emotionally , I would probably leave and then most likely go back. And that would be without my mums support. And then that might damage our relationship and I’d have no one.

When I left once before (pre kids) I actually didn’t tell her or my dad, I stayed at a mutual friends house for two weeks crying my eyes out and didn’t reply to any of my mums messages. She was worried about me but didn’t know if left. I knew if I’d have gone home and she’s have seen the state I was in and heard the details of the argument she would have been resistant to letting me return and then I’d probably end up rejecting her

when H and I moved in together so quick I could tell she had some concerns but I (classic) started backing away and shutting down so she backed off

I think so too. She must have been slightly skeptical when you got with this older man when you were just 18. Do you have a sibling you could speak to instead if it’s too difficult? Perhaps trying to tell the GP first would be a step towards confiding in family.

this seems really odd though, if he had actually beaten you that badly because I think you said you were badly bruised, so assaulted as well as sexually? sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick, and dont want to upset you. - Id have thought he would have avoided you. It doesnt make sense unless he was superbly arrogant.

Your Mum sounds lovely 😍 @PinkPoetAgaiin
If this was happening to my daughter I would want her to tell me.
But I can understand why you are protecting her from everything at the moment.

There does seem to be a strong element of feeling the need to keep up appearances for your wider family. It may be that not all has been well behind closed doors for everyone though.

I mean you thought H was perfect up until a few weeks ago so maybe perfect isn't so great.

Don’t tell your mum, she’s just another thing to worry about. Tell a friend or boss.

I strongly agree with this, Poet I think you absolutely understandably don’t have the mental space right now to tell someone who will be as deeply affected as your mum by this. All in time. Telling her, with you knowing how she is likely to react, will force you to do things before you’re ready and that isn’t safe. Trust your gut on that. You need some real life support but from people who are slightly more emotionally removed than your mum. A friend or coworker or manager. As well as GP and therapist x

Yes the whole thing was extremely odd/distressing. I had a lot of bruising on my upper body and intimate areas and bite marks too. The boy in question was also taking drugs so I assumed that had made him agressive in the heat of the moment.

I guess I will never know