(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

Yes, OP has also said (paraphrasing) that she's close to her mum, who would be devastated and keen to protect OP, if she knew what her husband was doing. So I think we can assume that her mum is a capable and positive presence in her life.

Although I feel as though if OP were to want a night at her mum's at this point, it might really get her husband's hackles up and cause him to escalate the abuse further.

Also @PinkPoetAgaiin thede injuries should be documented with the gp. Have a think and I hope you are doing a bit better x

You are doing so well. It seems really intense for you though. Is there any chance of a break?

Depending on how close your mum is to you, I wondered if you could take the kids for a mini-break over the May half term to your mum or another friend/relative. Distance gives perspective and all that. Might also give you an opportunity to speak to a friend or relative to give support. I'm sure your DH will be against the idea if he can't come, but I thought I'd make the suggestion, just in case.

As another idea for how to get a break, could you say that a friend/relative has a crisis and urgently needs you to go to them? I would definitely support a friend or relative who needed to use that excuse.

On my GP surgery you have to submit an online form to get an appointment. You could submit the form describing your injuries so that it’s recorded, then decide later about going to the actual appointment.

It is rape if someone is very drunk. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if you were spiked too.

I agree with @ScrollingLeaves I would not be surprised if you were spiked that time, as you say your friends told you they had seen you kissing a young man and I believe they agreed you left with him
but you have no recollection.

I also agree with the others you really do need to tell someone in real life, as several of us are very concerned for your safety.

You say you sent your previous thread to your friend, did she read it and the previous one, does she know about this thread - is she following the thread ?
but I don't think she lives locally ?

did you give your real name when you phoned the helpline.

We do not want to be reading about you in a newspaper or hearing about you on the news.

I think you need to clarify what you mean by that last sentence!

I'm assuming you don't want to read Poets name because of a serious physical assault?

As no decent Helpline would disclose Poets name to the media.

If you go to a SARC, they can check for signs that you were sexually assaulted last night, and they won't usually report to the police, and can store evidence for later if needed. They are run by the NHS, not the police. Here is some information on them. Note they can go to the police if there is a serious and immediate risk to you, children are at risk etc, but whilst you clearly are at risk, your situation is also exactly why they exist and the decision is usually up to you. You'd be able to get clarification on this before you talked to them.

https://sarchelp.co.uk/sarcs/what-is-a-sarc/

I think it was clear she just meant she’d hate for her to end up as the subject of a news story. If I saw a story about something terrible happening and any of the details echoed OP’s situation I would wonder if it was her (and be so gutted for her) I think that’s what she meant x

Well, that's what I'd assume as well, but I thought it's a bit unclear ?

And yes, I too would wonder if I saw something awful in the media, and it was similar to OPs situation 😞

I hope pp is ok. It’s alot when you have young dc to take care of, feel unwell and in a very volatile situation. Sending solidarity @PinkPoetAgaiin x

its hard for me to get on here in the evenings unless he’s at the gym but I wanted to let you know I’m ok x

Hope you have a peaceful and assault free night and tomorrow morning, Pink Poet

And that you feel better tomorrow. x

Thank you for letting us know you’re ok, @PinkPoetAgaiin. I also hope you’re left to sleep tonight. X

Thank you for letting us know. I hope you feel better tomorrow, big hugs x

I really hope the night and morning were uneventful poet x

yes - they actually were
no issues and I am feeling better migraine wise. Working today

Prince Charming is back. Lots of talking last night about how he knows he’s not been a good husband and he’s trying so hard not to let work pressures affect his family life. He knows we can get through this. He knows he has contributed to me not being ‘well’ and he wants to do better. He hugged me and he did not try it on afterwards . Progress?

progress ? or is it words rather than actions ?

a lot of words I agree , but the action being that he didn’t try to initiate any sexual contact when hugging in bed after this ‘emotional ‘ conversation

I wouldn’t trust that he is actually making progress as he is a rapist and abuser, they simply don’t change and this brief respite is just part of the ongoing abuse cycle.

Regardless, I’m so relieved for you that he didn’t assault you this time. Don’t let this dampen your resolve to prioritise you and your children, you are still not safe with him poet x

Just catching up on all the messages from last night ❤️
I could ask to go for a weekend to a friends , maybe not the abroad friend as that would be expensive. The organisation of leaving the 4 of them with him for the weekend would be a bit of a headache. If I asked to go to my mums that would raise alarm bells because why would I need to go stay with her when she lives quite close

Not progress, sorry. Just a cycle of reeling you back in. He senses you are drifting away and he’s performing as needed to reassure you and settle you back in your box.

Also remember you’re on your period which you said he finds hugely offputting normally so part of him not initiating last night is probably down to that.

Did you tell him about the cut inside you and that it will take time to heal so you can’t have sex for a while? Maybe do this asap today and say you thought you’d mention as you felt he was really understanding last night etc. Use it as a chance to try to buy some more time x

100% this. It’s the mr nice guy part of the abuse cycle. A few empty words to get you back onside fir a few days before the abuse starts again.

It’s just the same pattern on repeat. And it’s so sad that you’re so deep in his abuse that you wonder if not bring raped fir a few days is progress