(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I don’t blame them. They were really young
too and this was years ago. They also had loyaly to the boy I suspected .

Sorry I am wittering on today! I haven’t been able to get to therapy last/this week so Im spilling it all here !!

You were young and immature as were your friends. I would guarantee they see things through very different eyes these days

Your DH wasn’t young and immature. He was already a fully grown adult man who chose to target a vulnerable young woman who was feeling like she was damaged and has groomed you every day since. He stole your young adult life from you

I think you’re right OP and I’m glad that you understand their hesitancy to go too hard isn’t because it’s not a very dangerous situation, it’s because they didn’t want you to feel unable to continue speaking with them x

Don’t apologise for sharing your feelings x

It is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT xx

Poet, your friends were idiots, to put it kindly, and should've known better even at that age. My group of friends all did at that age, back in the early 00s.

You were not at fault for being raped and brutalised, no matter how drunk you were, and as PP have said, your husband deliberately targeted and preyed upon you because you were made vulnerable by your trauma.

You deserve your bodily autonomy to be respected and preserved, not transgressed upon and violated. Your husband should be the person who helps you build stronger boundaries around your body, not the person who tears them down and trains you to think you don't even have the right to say no to him :(

Oh Poet, I am so sorry what happened to you when you were young. Your friends did not support you properly and it’s very clear there was some bias towards this pos boy that did this to you.

Today you sound very clearly physically depleted and in pain. I did often think the way he’s raped you would have a been internally painful for you. It’s awful and as its internal the only thing really that will heal it is being left alone by your husband.

I do feel your husband would hurt you if you put up any resistance and I think you know this which is why you’ve never challenged him. I would not encourage you to see what happens to be honest. He’s hurting you now and he knows it and we know you being upset and likely in pain is a turn on for him.

On a day like this I’d really love to take you and your children to safely.

When I’m on my period my partner leaves me alone until it’s all done. I get hugs and kisses and nothing further. Once I did try and give him something just for him - he declined and said he would prefer to wait as it was not fair on me and he didn’t want to just receive.. and this is also a man with a high sex drive who on a good morning will happily have sex 3 times if I’m up for it :(

I’m not sure you would only be feeling sore from an internal injury 3 days later. Most likely he raped our assaulted you in your sleep last night. Did he know you were taking meds that made you drowsy?

Also, it’s rather concerning that the injury feels like a cut. That would suggest it’s likely not from a penis rather an object.

I am so sorry this is happening to you Poet. I can’t stop thinking about the Pelicot case and the others that have been in the news recently about husbands taking their wives and recording it
to give to others. And then there’s the Rape Academy all over the news too.

Im even more concerned for your safety now.

Ah right ok x

I have seen that thread too. It’s so shocking. I had to back away because I think It would send me over the edge

The truth is I don’t know 100% if he’s done it while I was sleeping . I feel like you can get small cuts/abrasions from rough sex? I have in the past and not just with him.

My first ‘boyfriend’ when I was 16 was also really rough and I often had pain/stinging after
He also pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do, in a much more obvious way than H
he was my age though
So you can see why I thought all this was normal …

Have you thought any more about telling your mum about the gravity of your situation?
Your friend’s advice was useless - “can’t live with him- can’t live without him” … Yes you absolutely can live without him.

I’m not sure how much more convincing, reading, listening to podcasts, taking advice, therapy etc it is going to take for you to “out” this monster and have some peace in your life but the support of those that love you would be a massive start.

Manifesting your future in a safe home, free from all of this mind fuckery and being raped repeatedly, perhaps even helping others in your situation can be a big motivator - only you can make this happen for you and your kids.
How much worse can it be?

I've noticed a theme in your posts that your frequently think or ask x or y behaviour is "normal". Normal for men, normal for sex lives, normal attitudes, just how men are.

Fundamentally it doesn't matter if absolutely everyone is doing something, thinking something, every man is like that - if you don't like it, you don't have to tolerate it.

Your one, rare, precious life is about making yourself happy. Not about what you can tolerate in pursuit of appearing "normal".

Again, just to reiterate – it's not 'standard' to have rough sex at all, let alone the sort of rough sex that would result in something like vaginal injuries. Some people might engage in consensual activities that are rough, such as spanking, hair pulling, or erotic strangulation (dangerous and not recommended even when consensual!), but things that cause vaginal injury are very rare. So definitely not normal!

It sounds as though you have never been given a chance to develop a positive relationship with sex, Poet, given your first boyfriend also raped you via coercion :(

I also encourage you again to reach out to someone in real life, such as your mother. I'm worried that your husband is escalating in his violence towards you, and I think it's increasingly possible he could cause you serious harm if this pattern of behaviour continues. He seems as though he's moving towards strangulation during sex, or crushing you so you can't breathe, and if he does that, it introduces the real fear that he could (unintentionally) kill you one of these nights.

I've never had rough sex. It doesn't appeal to me and I would be scared that I would get hurt. You don't have to do anything you don't eagerly and happily consent to OP.

Why haven't you managed to get to therapy @PinkPoetAgaiin?

@PinkPoetAgaiin it’s really important you tell someone in real life what’s going on. For example, if you didn’t call in sick for work your manager could raise the alarm that you were in danger ( instead of being pissed off at you for not being in). Same with your mother. if you checked In either her every morning and night and then one day you didn’t, she too could raise the alarm.
I don’t really want to think of you coming to harm, it makes me so upset. You are physically really weak right now on top of everything and I really don’t trust your husband with you.
tell us things you are scared about so we can try help with a safety plan x

Her DD was in hospital

This is my concern too. Presumably we are talking about minor cut, then vaginas heal fast - like the insides of mouths do, so most that are pretty superficial should be mostly healed within a couple of days. So either it's pretty bad (which thankfully I doubt because it's not going to be possible to miss that for a few days), or it's more recent.

It's certainly very plausible that it was from last night, which is a horrifying thought.

Op, has this ever happened before - unexplained cuts, soreness, bruises, body aching, which you couldn't account for?

I wish that on the nights you need your meds you could go to your mum's OP. It's easy to just say you need respite from the kids. And DH being the hero he is will happily step in and care for them so that you can rest.

It surely wouldn't raise any suspicions for your mum if that is what you are worried about but it would keep you safe whilst you're under the influence of your prescribed medication.

Or would he prevent you from doing that?

You’ve been desperately unlucky Poet - horrible BF as a teen, then a nasty assault and now DH situation. This is NOT normal though, none of it - it’s bad luck plus bad luck plus more bad luck. It’s really not normal lovey. And PP here is dead right that you don’t have to force yourself to tolerate it.

This is making lots of assumptions about DM being local. It may not be that simple. Not everyone has family around the corner with room to host.

Can I just say, you don’t need to apologise to us. For anything. You are allowed to take up room here. You are allowed to disagree here. You are allowed to refuse advice. You are allowed to express your feelings- all of them, the messy ones, the weird ones, the confusing ones… all of them.

You are allowed. No need to apologise.

Also making assumptions that mum is helpful and healthy.

Many of us with these kinds of experiences are vulnerable because of something in our childhood- a parent that didn’t nurture or encourage their DC to have a strong sense of self. Mums aren’t always helpful.

Yes, exactly.

OP did say that her mum would have all four children if she went away for a mini break so I'm taking it that mum is around and healthy/supportive.