(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I would tell him OP.
Text him, even better.
I have a cut inside me which is sore because you had sex with me the other night when I said I didn’t want to.

you are not entitled to my body.

men are not entitled to sex from women.

PERIOD.

GREY ROCK when he starts the whole you make me feel like some kind of predator act. WELL IF THE SHOE FITS.

text him again the next day for evidence. You did X, I said no, you continued doing X. Why? Now I am raising it with you and you are giving me the silent treatment/ banging smashing things and there is a dreadful atmosphere which is upsetting me and the children? Why?

Sorry OP he really makes me sick. And I agree with other PP. This is about power, control and dominance over you. That’s what gets him off, the orgasm comes second.

do you feel able to label it more verbally?
STOP.
I said no!
I’ve said no, why are you continuing?

And remove yourself from the room.

His moods and reactions to you are escalating, I really hope we and the other support around you can help you make plans to start leaving. There is another life that awaits you free from this sick disgusting man.

He just makes her do other things instead and she's not allowed to say no, even on her period, with a migraine. There is no respite from the sexual abuse.

Again a good example of how he can control himself and it’s all about his preferences. Just pointing that out, I don’t think his apparently overwhelming need to have sex magically disappears when you have a period.

I’m glad there’s at least a time of the month you get left alone, but its horrible to think that period blood is too off-putting to him but an unwilling, un-turned on partner is absolutely no problem.

Reading your more recent posts, I have to say - I think he would hurt you. And I think, deep down, you know that.

I think that could be one of the reasons you're scared to say "NO!!" very forcefully and shove him away from you, or fight him off when he rapes you - because you know he'll just escalate to physical violence to subdue you, and it won't stop him from raping you, and you (understandably) don't want to have to face that escalation if you can avoid it by placating him.

Because if it was just 'he sulks', well - let him sulk! What's the harm? But it's not that. I think perhaps you're afraid that if you don't fall in line, he'll do whatever it takes to make you, including physical violence, and you don't want to find that out.

When I was assaulted the first time at 18 I got in a terrible habit of buying a bottle of wine at lunchtime and drinking it alone, every day. For months

Today I am not working and alone with my thoughts. I have this overwhelming urge to do the same. I wont - because I’ve got to be a mum.

But wow it’s so tempting

Nope OP. Not going there again.
try and keep a balance of being busy/occupied but resting too.
keep your mind focused.
can you get out for a walk? Visit someone?

I’m not surprised poet, you’re attempting to function in constant fight or flight mode with migraines (these may be PTSD related), frequent rapes, sexual assaults and parenting four little children on top of it all. You’re a remarkably strong person to be doing that but it is simply not sustainable. He is making you unwell. I know you don’t feel ready to leave so won’t push but I wondered what the next steps are regarding your brave call to Women’s Aid?

Here’s a grounding exercise you might find useful when you find yourself slightly dissociating as you have done in the past.

5 things you can see
Look around slowly and name five things. Try to notice small details (textures, colours, light, shapes).
4 things you can feel
This can be physical sensations—your feet on the floor, your clothes on your skin, the chair supporting you, something in your hands.
3 things you can hear
Listen for both obvious and subtle sounds—traffic, a clock ticking, your own breathing.
2 things you can smell
If nothing stands out, move slightly or think of scents you like (fresh coffee, shampoo, outdoors air).
1 thing you can taste
Notice the taste in your mouth, or take a sip of a drink.

I too believe that IOtterly has hit the nail on the head. You are telling yourself that he would stop, or that he wouldnt hurt you if you continued to say No, but I think you know he would either just wait until you were asleep and carry on, or would simply ignore you and carry on - probably claiming that he didnt hear you the next day and then crying and making it all about him.

I think he would go for the 'wait til she is asleep' method first, as that has worked fantastically for him in the past.

However I do believe that if you put a loud protestation at that point, he would simply carry on, or could possibly turn even nastier. He is playing the clever game though, because by hitting her, and convincing her that her no means yes, he thinks there is no hard proof that he is doing anything wrong. You can see that he has got away with that for a long time, And until recently Poet didnt realise it was wrong.

Thats why he did the thing with the humiliation, and the forcing her to say yes, it was a ramping of control to bring her back in line and to make her shut up about it all. Yes, you are right Poet, he is in a furious mood, because you are simply not doing what he wants regarding this - ie shutting the fuck up about it all and letting him carry on with access to your body whenever he wants.

And just a reminder OP.

This is not your fault. Not for a second. Ever.
it is nothing to do with you.
there is nothing wrong with you.

you have been victimised by sick misogynistic men. The shame is theirs and theirs only.

remember this.

thank you x
but it’s hard

I got a lot of judgement when I was assaulted the first time for putting it about and I always blamed myself a bit for putting myself in that situation

and now this
it does make me wonder what am I doing wrong here

This is helpful thank you.
The local womens Aid service will offer therapy and support but it’s a waitlist again. Unless you’re in immediate danger or homeless .

I put my name down

It's not you, it's that you were traumatised by the rape and you unfortunately met another predator who has exploited your trauma and vulnerability ever since.

Who judged you for what happened? Think about the source.

Lots of young people get drunk and flirt or go home with people. Not a single one of them deserves to be raped and brutalised.

I got a lot of judgement when I was assaulted the first time for putting it about

Judgement from who? Your family, your friends, professional services?

Do they not class being raped regularly by your husband ‘immediate danger’?

Friends . I didn’t tell any family or professional services.

Friends at the time (we are all 18/19 they didn’t know any better) felt sorry for me but suggested that I had been getting too blackout drunk and sleeping with people and how could I say I wasn’t into it if I didn’t remember?

I didn’t show anyone the extent of the bruising because I wanted to never show my body to anyone again . at that point

Ok, this is horrifying, but if you only noticed that cut today, and you were on your migraine drugs that make you sleepy last night, that he did something to you in your sleep... You only know about the times you've woken, not whether you wake every time 😢.

Otherwise, when was the last time you had sex, and it's a bit odd that you didn't notice the cut before.

Also, personally I've never had a cut like that from sex, so it's a very worrying development tbh.

No they would class that as fearing for your life, dial 999 type danger
Obviously they did stress that the abuse is not ok but I said I was just looking for support at this stage

So you know yourself they didn't know any better - and neither did they have the full understanding of the viciousness.

It wasn't your fault, love.

I’ve just looked OP. Womens aid do class rape as being in immediate danger.

Did you tell them he's putting his hands on your neck and putting his full body weight on top of you during the rapes?

This hasn’t happened because you’ve done anything wrong.

Your husband chose you as his target because you were vulnerable and had just been assaulted so were looking for someone to rescue you and also to take control as you felt out of control.

He selected you in order to manipulate you, we now know the methods he used to start with as we know he loved The Game book.

He has eroded your sense of self and crucially your ability to trust yourself. But you know this is wrong, what he’s doing to you x

Also, yes getting blackout drunk isn't a great idea from a personal safety point of view but thankfully in this society it still doesn't entitle men to rape us. I'm so sorry you had crap friends.

its crossed my mind. I do think I’d wake up though. Hideous thought . The times he’s started sex when I’ve been sleeping I did
wonder how long it’s been going and if I didn’t wake up would he have just carried on .

I may not have noticed necessarily , it probably happened the last time we had sex which was 3 nights ago I think

Your friends did not understand consent either OP. It's very worrying that young people think you can give consent when unconscious. Of course you can't. I do think that they were trying to show care though, even though it was clumsily expressed.

I told them as much as I could
I told them he puts his weight on me and he puts his hand on my neck for a few seconds

I was very clear from the start that I was not wanting to get the police involved and didn’t want any repercussions at the moment , just support

They probably knew if they went too hard it would scare me off