(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

When he has sex with you he is often rough and even holds you down, holds your neck / hair / pushes on your back from behind so you’re pinned down. That is physical violence OP. It does hurt you x

Yea true and actually i am really sore today as well :( it feels like a cut or something

Yes I see what you mean. I guess I don’t always think of it like that because it’s a normal part of sex for a lot of people and might just be his ‘thing’.

We do it other ways too but lately it’s always been this

It is his "thing" because he's a rapist. It is not a normal part of sex for you because you haven't consented to it.

I would also dispute the idea it is possible to consent to being assaulted, but I know people disagree about that and don't want to derail.

Do you know why you are still unable to type out that he rapes you, even here? It is not a forbidden word on MN.

If it's somebody's 'thing', it should only happen if it's also their partner's 'thing' - and if they both agree to the 'thing' every single time.

I know this is getting clearer for you, but I think it's helpful to keep reminding you x

It’s not normal to do a ‘thing’ during sex if your partner isn’t an enthusiastic participant. Let alone if they’ve already repeatedly said no and were asleep when you started.

How horrific to be woken up from much needed sleep after a day looking after four small children, because your husband is having rough sex with you despite you having said earlier in the evening that you didn’t want him to.

I feel so, so sad that he has trained you to believe this is simply a valid sexual preference of his rather than sexual assault and rape.

A normal, decent bloke wouldn’t want to do something sexual with someone who didn’t enjoy it. I think it’s become increasingly clear (and I realise how upsetting it must be for you) that not only does he not care if you enjoy it, he is actually turned on by having sex with you against your will.

Also having rough sex from behind during the rape while you were heavily pregnant cannot have been especially safe for your baby. The level of contempt for a woman and baby he has to have done that is shocking.

I am really proud of you for starting to see glimpses of who he really is and his manipulation. I can tell from the way you’re writing that your level of awareness that this is abuse has increased x

Because it’s a horrible word and I don’t like it and it feels too hard to write it down

I don’t know why

I understand this completely poet and think it’s a very normal and typical thing for someone in your situation x

Its only a normal part of sex for couples if they are both happy about it, and there seems to be an awful lot of evidence that this is a relatively new phenomenon, to the extent that it now plays a role in mainstream sex lives, due to increasingly violent and abusive porn, accessed at a young age.and ultimatekly causing alot of problems, mainly with young women. (and young men too who are becoming traumatised and desensitised, then ultimately brutalised by what they are consuming)

Yes I still struggle to accept that he did that when I was pregnant . that was the first time I knew he could do something like that

When it comes to what’s normal and typical for people, I guess I’m inexperienced in my own way, but I couldn’t have penetrative sex without a decent amount of foreplay and I expect that would be the case for most women, So I would say, putting the rape aspect aside, the sex is far from normal.

This is most likely, I think, because he's sensed a change in you, and he's trying to reassert dominance.

I would bet anything that for him, the enjoyment isn't in the penetration or the climax at all, it's in the fact that he's forcing you to submit to and pretend to like your own debasement and humiliation. He knows you don't like it, and that's what he loves.

As you've begun to show signs of pulling away from him, it seems he's escalating the roughness and dehumanising aspects of the rapes to try to make a point – 'I still control you. You'll do whatever I want. I can do whatever I want to you whether you like it or not, and you'll take it – and we both know it."

It's about reinforcing the grooming he's enacted on you; to be afraid, to obey, and to know that saying 'no' to him, or doing anything that upsets him, is too dangerous. That's why he punches the wall, or throws things – it's a deliberate show of dominance and intimidation, to scare you into submitting.

It seems as though your whole life revolves around making sure he's happy above all else, because otherwise, bad things that are too scary for you to contemplate might happen. You're essentially living in a prison, trying to please your own rapist, and it makes me so sad for you.

Was just coming up say this. Even if it’s his ‘thing’ it has to be consensual. Sex is about mutual enjoyment not one partner forcing their preference onto the other without explicit consent.

Morning @PinkPoetAgaiin you have a cut inside you?
He is forcing himself inside you in the middle of the night without any foreplay , it's no wonder you are sore and cut.
Penetrative sex without any foreplay is painful to most women. It's horrible what he is doing to you, he is physically hurting you through rape.
That is physical abuse.

It seems as though your whole life revolves around making sure he's happy above all else, because otherwise, bad things that are too scary for you to contemplate might happen. You're essentially living in a prison, trying to please your own rapist

This is what I see here too @OtterlyAstounding. The children can’t mitigate in the same way with behaviour as they are children, but Pink Poet tiptoes around him, keeping his mood at the forefront, and he’s still angry and unpleasant towards her. If she didn’t placate so much I have no doubt he would escalate. I’m sure I’ve said it before but I think it’s PinkPoet who saves him from being the worst of what he is through her own de-escalation tactics.

I can totally see why you feel so happy and loved - and relieved - when things are ‘good’ @PinkPoetAgaiin. You are anxious and fearful when he is stressed, and get a warm glow when he’s being the great husband and father, because everything revolves around him and his mood, good or bad. I don’t know if you’ve had space to think about what you want out of life, instead being caught up in meeting his needs.

It’s different but a bit like the highs and lows of dating someone who blows hot and cold, and you feel so high when affection is returned and so low when they cool off. I’ve been there and retrospectively understand that I was so busy worrying if the person liked me and if I was good enough I didn’t have space to examine if they were good enough for me! You can similarly feel like you are in love and can’t live without them but you are just caught in that addictive high/low cycle. The truth is that real love is ‘boring’ - it’s stable.

If my DH was stressed I would feel sorry for him and want to help - I’d also snap back if he took it out on me - but I wouldn’t internalise any of that as fear or anxiety. It wouldn’t cause an atmosphere and if there was one I’d suggest he took it elsewhere! Likewise I don’t feel a high and rush of love for him for being a normal decent human being either because that’s the baseline.

I'm sorry, Poet. The fact that he is penetrating you when you're dry, without even the application of lubricant, makes me think that he is trying to hurt and damage you. It's not normal for a man to want to have sex if his partner is dry, because it's common knowledge that causes pain and abrasions or tears for her (and frankly usually isn't comfortable for the man either!)

I also just want to reiterate what pp have said - that him grabbing you, holding you down, or positioning you without checking in with you regularly to assess your comfort (either through a verbal acknowledgement, or signs of obvious enjoyment) isn't normal either.

These are not things that the average man does.

Yes that’s what it feels like. A small one
I’m can’t be sure how I got it but I noticed it today when I tried to use a tampon and it hurt

Oh my love. Can you use this as a reason to try to put him off? Can you say you have a cut inside you that is painful so you need to not have sex until it’s not hurting any more as it will make it worse and could even cause a longer term infection?

I wonder if explicitly saying you have a cut and therefore cannot have sex without it at minimum hurting and at worst causing a longer term issue may put him off. And if not, it could further help you see how he is never prioritising your wellbeing?

I do not believe he would hurt me. I don’t have a reason to believe he would as he never has - physically I mean.

If he got very angry and slapped you in the face, would that make any difference though?

He would be very sorry and cry and say he was really stressed with work and couldn't relieve that stress with sex. He would blame you being ill when he really needed you and you let him down. He's not a monster, he didn't want his stress to come out like that. And you would console him.

Because you love him and you want to be with him. It's not really any different. Once you tolerate one slap, he sees it as permission for regular slaps. The same way has he does with the rapes.

And you feel that you can't complain in case that slap becomes a punch. The same way that you feel you can't say no to sex in case that sex becomes rape.

It's all violence, it's all physical, it's all the same.

It isn't normal to be sore after sex.

He's not even bothering to make sure you're lubricated, is he.

Rough sex can be part of a couple's sexual menu, but importantly, it's agreed and consensual between them. It's not just done without checking in.

@throwawayimplantchat yes I think I will tell him and he may listen to that . I did tell him before I was sore as a reason not to and he didn’t listen

also I have a few days without sex as he doesn’t like it first few days of my period.

No. Not usually
It’s not usually painful at the time but sometimes it’s sore afterwards

I’m so sorry that you have previously told your husband you were sore so didn’t want sex and he went ahead and raped you anyway. He is physically abusing you.

You need to start lying while you’re working on your resolve about next steps poet. Say your period is longer than usual. Say it’s heavier than usual x

The fact he is having rough sex with you without lubrication, natural or otherwise, is just further proof that he is actively enjoying the fact you are not actively consenting. Most men would find it hard to maintain an erection in that situation and would immediately check in with their partner and stop as it would be clear physically they weren’t receptive.