How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

Buy him fragance soaps, they work for me. The body spray doesnt really make the difference unless its sure. Body washes work well at first but the smell goes away fast. Try imperial leather soap, it works wonders for me.

Get out while you can! This man will expect you to look after him / be his housemaid for the rest of the time you are with him. From what you have described, he is not a man who cares about himself or his environment or you.

In the long run, this will get worse. His habits are ingrained. Don't let him wear you down to the point where you have no energy left to escape.

Do you want to stay ? I couldn’t

@Itsapersonalhygieneone

How are you doing today? 🤗

Thank you for asking, I feel a tad low tbh. I know it wont change, nothing can be done my end until Monday and i can get some paperwork together and call a solicitor. I've not felt great with my condition today so I've kept out the way to get peace today.
Earlier he asked are you having a shower? I asked if he wanted it left on, he said I wasnt going to bother 😒 ffs! I just laughed and said no while you are here you will shower. Wtaf.

Someone asked re a mattress protector and yes I use 2 all the time and change weekly, I have a lot of laundry 🙃 between towels, bedding and the clothes. All bedding and towels are washed at high temperature so that's also costly and I use the Dettol in wash too. We dont use the same towels.

I also know when he gets the operation and he needs a seton that will be worse. So no thanks 😒

I appreciate everyone replying, sorry I haven't posted sooner. Xx

When he gets the operation I sincerely hope you will leave him to sort himself out - and he'll be living elsewhere.

YUK !!!

Did this happen the very day after you married him or was he filthy before that ?

Thanks for updating us OP, there are a lot
of us cheering you on. Stay strong, you deserve a better life than this x

I hope you stay firm on him moving out, even if he goes through some motions of seeing the mh or nursing team etc. Those don't sound like the problem. The problem is that he doesn't see leaving faeces around as a massive health issue and as completely unacceptable, and he also won't respect you enough to even make the most basic of considerations for you. That is not love.

Stay firm op. Live separately, whatever happens with divorce and when.

I think when you wrote your original post you were hoping there was a solution that you hadn’t thought of. You had been questioning yourself if it was you being unreasonable because your MH has been bad.
The replies on here have been unanimously horrified what you have put up with, that your husband is a filthy beast who has no intention of changing and you need rid of him.
No wonder your mental health has been affected!
Being single will bring you peace and a clean home!

Its been a long and horrible weekend 😪 thanks for all your support.

I haven't posted on this thread,but I've been following it- you shouldn't have to create a stink( pardon the pun) in order to be allowed to live your life with dignity,especially when you have health issues.
Well done for sticking to your guns.

I have thought so many times I would be happier on my own. I would be fine financially.

Then… why haven’t you left him?

How is he behaving? Is he talking at you or trying to pretend you haven't said anything?

I’m so sorry it’s been horrible OP. So sorry.

You mentioned your condition was bad. Are you ok now? How are you feeling?

I’ve been following the thread but this is my first post.

I could not believe it when you asked him if you should leave the water on for him to shower and he said no
😬. Honestly can he not smell himself and I can imagine he feels really gungy?

I am having an op in a few weeks and the surgeon said I won’t be able to shower for 48 hours . The thought of that makes me recoil. I have been thinking of ways I can wash my top part and bottom part and keep my dressing on my stomach dry. I think I’ve figured it out and my partner said he will help me.

I am sorry you’ve had a horrible weekend. Would you like to tell us about it or can we help in any other way?

This filthy man with dirty teeth is also incompetent at looking after living animals.
I wouldn't trust him around your dogs at all OP.
It's an accident waiting to happen. 😔

My exH was a bit like this. Leaving skid marks in the toilet, personal hygene cloths on the sink, not washing for days and not brushing his teeth, sneezing without covering etc.

It’s grim and demoralising, not to mention having to clean up after an able bodied man who just cannot be arsed with things normal adult do without having to repeatedly row about. I felt like a cow as well.

It’s nice not to have to deal with constant upsetting things like that, day in day out.

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe

wrong thread !

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I know, I got it removed :(

He has been trying too hard and in turn it's making me withdraw more. I tend to shut down and that's what I have done mentally really.

He was trying to make a joke about certain things, like oh I better go and take my medication before the medication police get me. I ignored him to a point then said look you might find it funny but I find it demeaning and childish that it is all a joke to you. Apparently it was an attempt to lighten the mood!

I said yesterday I want a life without running after or managing another person, and I needed to put myself first with the exception of the dogs obviously.
I know he is panicking but I still feel the same as I did when I started this thread.

In reference to a post above saying why haven't you left him, it isn't as easy as packing a Mary Poppins bag and fucking off, I don't know what else to add to that really. It's been like a dripping tap for so long. If it had been a big dramatic combustion maybe it would have been easier I suppose.

Thank you for asking about my health, I spent the day in the garden digging up some deep bindweed and mares tail roots. Very satisfying, hopefully the weather will last and I can get my soil ready for planting. Stress exacerbates my condition that's another reason I don't want huge dramas, he knows I am not being passive this time.

Well done op. Sounds like you are making the right decision and he still isn’t taking the situation seriously.

The trouble with trying to reason or explain to a person like your H is they deliberately ignore your words and feelings and deflect it on you. They make out you are the problem i.e your MH is making you grouchy your picking on them, that you are being unreasonable and then try to shut the conversation down by trying to kiss you or declare they love you. They deliberately ignore you because they refuse to take any accountability of themselves and when you seem serious that you can’t take their behaviour any more they then try to appease you by cuddling you or a kiss and throw in a few promises in order shut you up. Some use tears and guilt to wear you down to get their own way.
You have to condense your words to ‘we are done, I want you to leave!’
He will play the pity game where he will try to make out you’re breaking his heart and then move onto you’re so unreasonable. He could turn angry @Itsapersonalhygieneone and you may have to change locks once he leaves for work and have his items packed outside the door when he returns.
You have spent years trying to reason with him, explaining his hygiene is a massive issue that has eroded the relationship and affected your MH. The explanations are over, you are not responsible for the chaos he chooses to create and live his life.
I know you have said you didn’t want to be a twice divorced woman but it’s far better to be happy alone than any feeling of shame divorce makes you feel. We all make mistakes OP stop being your own worst critic and live a single clean happy life ❤️

You sound like someone who has put others first, tolerated more than is fair, asked for very little from life, and blamed yourself for feeling any resentment or anger. No wonder your MH is poor.

Like all of us you have basic human needs - to be cared for, valued, to be heard and seen as a person worthy of love - and it seems to me you’ve felt these are signs of you being selfish or demanding. You are not being selfish or demanding, intolerant or uncaring, for wanting a clean home, an adult partner, control over your life.

Your disgust or anger at him is actually a great part of yourself which has finally shouted at you loud enough for you to attend to what matters to you. Love feelings like those, as they serve to protect and support you. Don’t let them be silenced by any more promises or flattery from him.

Try putting yourself first and see how that affects your MH! Good luck. You can do this