How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

I should be thinking about the living arrangements etc but I need to make sure everything is done correctly. I don't want/can't afford another divorce. I want a clean home, fresh bed and things as i left them when I go to bed.

He is not hearing you. Neither are going to fix his lack of respect for you or himself. And sadly you have heard this before, many times.

What are you going to do if he refuses to move out? What is your notice period on your rolling lease?

This is utterly gross, beyond gross. Not only is it a risk to his health, but a MASSIVE risk to your own. Fecal bacteria can cause urinary tract infections that can travel to the kidneys. Don't ask me how I know.... I had to have extremely powerful antibiotics to halt kidney damage! Beyond that, you can be looking at sepsis if things get bad enough and sepsis can come on suddenly, without much warning. It almost killed a close relative of mine, but she had an obstructed gall bladder that lead to it.

My now ex occasionally forgot to change his underwear and didn't shower every single day, although he claimed that he washed down there. His penis often stank of old urine. Just as well we didn't have penetrative sex really! On more than one occasion he hadn't showered for 3 days and wore the same underpants. But had enough energy to spend 4 hours masturbating. I wish I was joking. Often if I hadn't been to his house for some time, I'd find the toilet had poo stains on the back of the bowl and as he became more comfortable with me, he'd leave the poo and not bother cleaning it off.

These men are gross. He needs a serious hygiene lesson or two. Can you ask the district nurse to pay you both a visit. A little humiliation from a health professional may just do the trick.

I don't think this is about MH, since he's pretty much always had no respect for how his lack of hygiene affects you. He's promised to change, as he has done so often, but he'll slip right back to stinking in his beshitted clothes the minute you start to relax.

It's horrible to have to stay on alert for such backsliding and be constantly prepared to reassert your boundaries. Completely exhausting. Life is WAY too short for this.
And also, I would feel so DISGUSTED by this. I could not respect someone like this, I would feel contempt for them rising in me. And once contempt is there, it is poisonous. It feels horrible, who wants to feel contempt for another human? But it's a self-defensive reflex that forces you to act.

Hold strong, OP. You really don't have to live like this.

I will not be moving from here no matter what, this is now my home for however long.
I want to make sure we stay on good terms if possible but I wont accommodate any piss taking. We are exchanging pleasantries but no meaningful conversation. We will have to talk and be honest and plan the next steps over the weekend. X

If he doesnt clean that fistula and dress it everyday he will get a bone infection (osteomyelitis) of the pelvis and may have to start getting bits of himself amputated. It is NO JOKE. Ive seen this loads of times Ive worked in the NHS for 46 years. Its especially common where I work now. One patient ended up with a hemi- corporectomy but didnt survive. Please google or dont if you are sqeamish.
Especially common where poo is involved. He's dicing with death.
If anyone left a shitty flannel in my bathroom they would be getting their nose rubbed in it.

I would use this angle. Does he really expect you to find him attractive? Surely this is what differentiates your relationship from other friendships. Would he want to live with a friend and would he expect that friend or housemate to literally deal with his shit? Just leave OP, this is no way to live.

Oh OP

I'm not sure if you can make him leave as per pp but you have another bedroom so I'd focus your energy there.
If you've had a really good mattress protector on your bed then I'd probably suck it up and buy a cheap single bed for the other room, get any of your stuff out of the boxes and put his stuff in there. If no mattress protector then buy yourself a lovely new mattress and drag the current one into the spare room. Get a lock on your bedroom door.

I couldn’t live in the same house as a filthy drain smelling man let along share a bed.
I wouldn’t care how chaotic he was nor if he was incapable of looking after himself I’d kick him out pronto.
You not his mum nor is he a toddler.

OP tell him he has to change his disgusting habits immediately or you will be divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Tell him his behaviour is repulsing you and you are very unhappy. Wish you well

I think it’s possible the surgery might make the situation worse too, presumably he might be dealing with a seton drain etc and if he’s already struggling with hygiene that is not going to be pleasant.

divorce second time around does not have to be expensive. If minimal joint assets, just start the process online at gov.uk.

There is no nice or patient way of telling him you find him physically repulsive because he is not hygienic, stinks and leaks. If he promises to change etc tell him that it’s too late, the attraction has gone for you. You are not his mum replacement and he will have to move out asap.

‘This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do’

I was out before you even got to the summary’s. Absolutely no way, it’s rude and disrespectful.

So dogs off lead is very dangerous?

WTF is the matter with him?

Why do you love him?

What is lovable?

His total disrespect is enough to kick him out

Guess who would be lined up as the carer if that happened?

Hold your line to break free @Itsapersonalhygieneone

She maybe emotionally bonded to this man but surely it's some kind of trauma bond?
I think the OP should not sacrifice herself to this man, I realise that leaving would be easier said than done.

Just checking in to read your updates Op. Well done in taking those first steps . Thinking of you .

So are you thinking about letting him
stay??

I don’t think it’s his mh

he knows what he has to do to keep wound clean an isn’t doing it

He hasn’t listened to you in the past because he doesn’t care and when you get to the point you can’t take it anymore he make promises he will change that he has no intention of keeping. Once you realise your nice kind husband has no interest or intention to ever change and doesn’t care if you living with him causes your MH to deteriorate I think you will see past his inept stinking Frank Spencer act and see the man he really is. A man who expects you to clean his skids and see to his needs without a care for yours.

If he really was nice and kind, he would meet basic standards of cleanliness. It honestly sounds stomach churning. Yes the fistula will get fixed but he sounds disgustingly dirty. I can't see how
you could find him attractive. I live in an otherwise all male household. They all shower at least once a day and floss and brush their teeth and leave the bathroom in a tidy state. I mean his teeth must be in a dreadful state.

Sounds like you need to be cruel to be kind or he will lose you (or maybe already have)

Omg leave already!