How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

Trying to lighten the mood, deflecting it as a YOU problem, passing everything off as a joke is classic passive aggressive manipulation to make you seem to be unreasonable. He will be telling you he is walking on eggshells next because you are abusive! It’s to make you doubt yourself and break you down.

@SpryCat this is exactly what happens word for word. The manipulation with kisses and declarations of love trying to win me over. Then the upset, like Friday crying on a video call, making a dramatic exit from work to try and intercept my walk, he went home because I refused that. Told me about calling the GP and he has an app with a MH practitioner this week. I was so closed and cold his tactics changed what seemed like every 5 mins.

@Bonden my MH is very poor, it has been since I was young, I do have a fab GP. He also decided to start requesting this GP when he was registered under another. 🙄 I am under the care of the MH team again so I don't feel i am on my own with that.

@SpryCat yes it is passive aggressive, or a joke with a jab to quote an old saying. I have kept him at a distance physically emotionally, I can't look him in the eye, I feel a tad dead inside since Friday.

Have you told him to leave OP? I know you can't leave, it's your house, and nor should you. But why is he still in your house if you've told him it's over? It sounds like he's not intending to go anywhere and is thinking that this will all blow over. Have you made yourself completely clear and told him you want him gone?

I think you are being so strong and choosing to put yourself first, I hope he moves out quickly so you have some peace x

@zurigo yes I have told him he needs to look for somewhere else to live. It will be like trying to get a tyre off with a tin opener, I will need to persevere and keep sticking to it. I have no idea where he will go or have the finances to go in the next week tbh.

"his tactics changed what seemed like every 5 mins."

This is called channel shifting, it is a common strategy of emotionally immature and manipulative people when boundaries are laid down by someone. The channels are:

1. Guilting/shaming/self-pity
2. Anger/blaming/aggression/threats (including to harm themself)
3. Lovebombing/apologies/promises.

They cycle between the channels to see which one elicits a response. Any response, including an angry one, is a win for them, because what they're trying to do is keep themself centralised in your head. When they don't get a response, they cycle between the channels faster and faster.

Complete withdrawal and repeated statement of the boundary - that he needs to leave - seems the only way forward at this point.

You know him better than us: are you sure he won't get violent? You've never really said no to him like this, right?

You have retreated into yourself to protect yourself from manipulation and hold onto the truth, he is trying to twist it to appear a lovely kind H who is trying to appease you.
The core of the matter is he needs/wants a mummy/nursemaid and you wanted a H and both of your needs and wants don’t align with each other and never will.
You need to centre yourself, stay calm whilst being assertive and batting all responsibility of himself back to him by using ‘I’ and ‘No’.
For example,
him: I don’t understand what’s changed? Can you explain why you’re suddenly decided to end our marriage? (Acting perplexed).
You: I don’t want to stay married to you.
Him: There must be a reason you no longer love me? I’ve always been a good kind loving H? (Acting perplexed and rewriting history)
You: I won’t be drawn in to explaining to you yet again why we are not compatible. I don’t want to be with you.
Him: Where will I go? You want to kick me out on the streets? You obviously have never cared about me or loved me! (He is trying to pin his responsibilities of himself onto you and guilt you)
You: I am not responsible for you, your actions or your decisions. I refuse to get drawn into any explanations or justifying myself.
Him: I need an explanation so I can change, I love you and will do anything to make our marriage work! (He’s panicking and pretending he will change to ensure you keep you as his nursemaid)
You: I don’t want to be with you. There is no chances for you to change left!
Him: This time it will be different! (Same as above)
You: No I do not want to be in a relationship with you.
Him: Tears, declarations of love and how you have destroyed him. He may talk of suicide to really make you panic!
You: If you feel you are in danger to yourself then I will call an ambulance.
Him: Gets angry and aggressive
You: Call the police and get him removed from your property, change locks etc

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta thank you for explaining that it gives me concrete behaviour to say to him, you are doing this. No he won't be violent in any way, manipulation is his star quality.

@SpryCat this is what I was saying Friday, using I and my and I no longer want. I was conscious if using i don't think or any little "in" that could be used.

I think that is why I am so drained, having to think carefully before I speak. Using the correct words.

Have you anyone who can help you irl? Someone who can tell him to go, change the locks and stay with you for a few days?
People like him are attracted to vulnerable people and once they get their feet under your table they suck the soul out of you with their needs. Your MH will never improve with him, the only way people like him keep getting their needs met is by pushing your head under water so they weaken you enough that you feel unable to make them leave.

When you've already explained everything at length, in detail, and multiple times, and they keep pretending they don't understand, it's because:

1. They don't WANT to understand
2. They don't RESPECT what you're saying, because the only person in their world is them and you are simply the (recalcitrant) filler of wants
3. They want to wear you down, force you to argue and explain yourself again and again, until you collapse with exhaustion or get confused, and drop or water down your boundary.

In such cases, it's good to put it all in writing - email or text.

And then say:

"Asked and answered. Check your phone."
"Asked and answered."
"Asked and answered."
"Asked and answered."

despite recent comments on here, don’t change the locks. He has home rights

Oh that has turned my stomach the dirty pig. How can you put up with that. I’d divorce him and I’m not even joking

The tenancy is in OP’s name only.

Does not matter. They are married. It is his home. Would be unlawful eviction.

@UpDownAllAround1 is correct, the tenancy is in my name but it is the marital home. I will hopefully be able to clarify this in the next couple of days if I can get an appointment for some advice.

No is a complete sentence.
You don’t have to explain.You don’t have to justify your reasons.
He knows and doesn’t care all he is interested in is wearing you out so you give up trying and he gets his own way.
That isn’t love it’s pure manipulation.
You are not dealing with a nice, kind, loving reasonable person.

I am absolutely baffled as to why you married him if he's always been like this

Not always @LostThestral when we moved to a property in 2019 it started to emerge, we hadn't been living together that long. I had only left my exh the year before. I did feel pressure to marry him, as in I didnt love him enough or want a future with him if I didn't.

He met you while you were vulnerable after your marriage had ended and railroaded you into proving your love for him by marrying him. He was manipulating you right from the start. He knows no woman would accept him as he is but he believed marriage will keep you together so rushed you into it.

Have long have you lived at your address?

Yes he needs to go. You are literally dealing with shit, and this is too much. Write a letter to yourself today as If you were your best friend.... do some visualisation about how life will be in your clean home after he has gone. Work on something to make that happen everyday going forward from right now.

My exh was also a bit like this, he is long gone and now my home is beautiful haven and a sanctuary away from men who do not meet my standards ( funnily enough I am single) .
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Please do not let this person define you a moment longer...

@SpryCat 6 months here, 7 years previous.

As you have health and MH problems could you legally get him to leave because he is endangering your health and mental cruelty i.e deliberately leaving faeces about, endangering your dogs by letting them out of the house without a lead